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Transcript:
This is that story show where we put your hilarious real-life stories into the spotlight clean comedy for ages 13 and up Hey podcast people, this is James Kinnison. I am your host Welcome to the show. Guess what we’re going to do? James has got the press. Okay. That’s what I, that’s the cool name I call for depression. So James right here, the guy you’re listening to struggles with depression. And I’m a little sad. OK, so it’s not as bad as it’s been in the past, but it’s bad enough to where I didn’t feel like doing a
show. OK, because you have to be kind of chipper. So we are releasing bonus content from episodes 467 and 468. And listen, if you like the bonus content, it comes out every single week. And you can get it by becoming a supporting listener at patreon.com slash that story show. So consider it. And if you can support the show, it is more than worth it. So listen to this. And if you agree, then head over to patreon.com slash that story show today and support the show. If you can, We love you. Hey, welcome to stuff that wouldn’t
fit on the show where we put stuff that wouldn’t fit on the show. I’m still James.
I’m still John
and I had a great show. How about you?
I had a great, it was fun. It was a day later than normal,
right? Because my son got in an accident
for reasons that were completely understandable and it’s Okay. But it was a great show.
Well, I appreciate you coming out on your day off to record the show. John.
It’s not my day off. It’s only Friday. Oh, I thought- I work on Fridays. Oh, I thought- I used to
not. Oh.
Yeah, when I started working for the school, I lost my Fridays off.
Well, I’m not, I don’t appreciate it at all then. I was, I was even going to do this, but I’m not, I’m not going to give you any claps at all.
Fair
enough. No.
Yeah. I don’t work on Sundays anymore though.
So that’s true. That’s good.
I did for a year though. And Friday, I worked 7 days a week when I ain’t no more.
Yeah. You have to listen to overcoming depression with John Steinklaubert, the clone.
I’m like, I’m going to be a guest. We’ll be a guest on it.
We’ll talk John through all of his issues. Oh, man. No, it was a good show.
Yeah, I
got to say I liked.
The God stick.
God stick was fine, but flashes, flashes was just on a whole another level.
Those English, they they now I don’t know a whole lot about Flash. Is he a patron?
I believe so, Yes.
Flash, I pretend like I know you, but now, is he a transplant? Like, is he an expat or is he?
No, no. He will occasionally record audio, like paragraphs of audio, and send them to me. And it’s like letters. They’re wonderful. How come I don’t?
I’ll remember. Have we had a voicemail? Have we had a voicemail from no flash? No, no. He just sends you, he just sends you,
he’ll send me feedback. He listens to almost everything I do. And he’s just a true fan. They just, I love him to death.
Flash, flash.
But, park Parker’s, misinterpretation, humiliation was really good too. Cause
yeah, cause I could picture myself in that spot and actually have done something similar.
So being a small boy, hugging a man around the waist, I think the worst.
I’m your friend. I’ve done that. Like this dude was taller than me and he gave me a hug and like my head leaned up on his
chest. Got stuck in his belly button. He wasn’t that tall. But okay. So yesterday I was delivering a bike to a friend in our church and I needed to borrow David’s car. David has a good friend of mine. She’s been on the GOK. Her name’s Tiffany. She’s staying with him right now because she just moved back from Georgia. So he’s staying with, she’s staying with his family. So anyway, I was supposed to meet with her at the house because I was borrowing the truck keys. So I see her and David’s dog walking as I’m walking to
his house, it’s a block away, about a block, I see her coming towards me and I’m like, oh, that is so unlike her, but that is so sweet. She’s walking the dog and she’s bringing me the keys. And I saw, I was like, Tiffany! And I got a little closer and I realized that that was a white lady Walking a dog very similar to David’s but not at all David’s dog
David’s dog
and thank God she was on her phone We had to walk right past each other, but I had a strict face on. Like I had not. Like I knew what I was doing, you know, and I was very tempted to kind of do a follow up yell like Tiffany like past her. Like pass her. Because I had looked square in her face and yelled Tiffany But she
didn’t know
she didn’t know she was on the phone typical millennial
not Tiffany She’s not gonna answer to that. No, she doesn’t think you’re calling her.
Yeah, I don’t call me
think you’re calling somebody behind her
Tiffany is if Karen is a person that’s a butt and LBB then a Tiffany now is someone who? Doesn’t answer you because she’s on an important phone call
You’re real Tiffany. Yeah, It’s like the op. It’s like the opposite of being ghosted in person. Except being ghosted.
Yeah, it is being ghosted in person.
Yeah, it’s that’s right. Yeah.
I got you. I understand. This is
thank you. I appreciate.
Just take that opposite out. It’s opposite day. So there’s no opposites.
Freaky Friday.
Hey, let’s, let’s rewind the week. Yeah, I’ve noticed I’ve got more stories and anecdotes since I’ve had my job.
Because you’re getting into a different groove.
I’m getting out of the house.
Yeah. Getting out of the house.
Doing stuff. Like.
I need to like interact with people more. I’m stuck in this cage and.
There’s this lady and I’m, I’m really good at customer service on the phone. Okay. I’m very nice. But this
is your podcast voice.
I do actually. I’m, I’m like, hi, this is, or I said, hi, I’m James. This is fast signs episode 4, 95. You don’t know how tempting it is to start a podcast every time I pick up the phone. But I had to write it down because that’s how addicted I am to scripts. I was like, hi, this is Fast Signs. I’m James. How can I help you? You know? And so this lady pours out her heart. I am renting, my business is renting a place and the patio is the main entrance and the landlord is closed
off the patio and I need signs tomorrow that say, please use the front entrance. And I’m like, she said, is that impossible? And I was like, well, it’s impossible today. Cause I said, we close at 4.30 and it is, it is like 3 minutes to 4.30. I said, but we do, we, we don’t say impossible. We just say, we have to charge you double. And she said, well, I’ll do it, I’ll do it. And so I wrote down all her information, what she wanted, the whole 9 yards, and I gave it to my boss the next
morning. He called her and turned out she was calling the wrong fastsigns. Oh, no. She had told me her whole story. I’m getting the lawyer involved. I’m like, ma’am, I’m so sorry to hear that. I hope things work out well for you. I really do. I hope you have a blessed day.” And she’s like, oh, and she got off the phone. She felt like a million bucks. Well, she called back today to the wrong fast lines. Got me again.
You
remember when I was talking to you earlier? I was like, yes, how is that patio thing going? Oh, it’s terrible. And the signs, can I talk to your boss? And I said, you know what? I had not heard the story that she had called the wrong place yet. My boss was out. I’m like, you know what? He’s out right now. Fixing your problem. That’s what my understanding was that he was going out to get signs. He had not told me that he had already talked to her and had told her that she was dealing with the
wrong company. He left on an errand to get coreplast, which is the corrugated plastic, you know, yard sign material. And so I talked her up and I’m talking and, and you know, like tell me, Oh yeah, I’m getting my lawyer and I’m like, man, yeah, that doesn’t seem to make sense that they would do you that way. You know, they’re charging you rent, but then making it impossible to make any money. She’s like, well, thank you so much. I’ll just call back later or you guys can call me. I’m like, oh yeah, we’ll get right back
to you as soon as possible. No, we will. And then boss, I talked to the boss, I handed him thing. I’m like, that lady called back and he says, she’s calling the wrong place, man. That’s what he says to me. She’s calling the wrong place. I’m like, oh man.
Oh no.
He’s like, I already talked to her this morning. She called back again. I’m like, yes, she was wanting an update. She’s calling the wrong place, man. Like, Oh, so I’m terrible at customer service is really the thing.
You’re doing good at it. She thinks that you work for the other store and she’s going to be looking for you at that other store.
Yeah, she’s going to want to hug my neck and I’m not there. She’s going to make a special trip to the central west end. So, so that’s not even my weekly update. It should have been.
That’s just a bonus.
That’s a
bonus story. Okay. So I deal with a lot of medications being someone that functioned is a functional, I don’t know what to call myself. I deal with major depression disorder and anxiety disorder, okay?
Highly functional.
Highly functional lately. Have been doing great, got a job, but still take my meds. They still keep me my head above water, but I’ve been trying to move my medications to another store because the store that I use suddenly is out of all the, the pills that happen to be- All the stuff
that you need.
Yeah, but especially the ones that I need the most that are habit forming. Now I don’t have a habit, but they are special drugs that are, you know, have to go through special channels, but they are suddenly out of it all the time. And I got a big, bad feeling that this, this city, store is selling them out the back door. Okay.
Yeah. Either that or their employees are buying them.
Yes. Yes. So something’s wrong. I need my meds. It’s been 2 weeks. I’m going crazy. I got brain zaps. Things are not good. I need to keep my life together. I need to podcast. I need to keep my job. So I go to a place outside the city and move my prescriptions and I get them all moved except for 1. So I call my psychiatrist receptionist lady and I’m like, Hey, there’s this stuff I can’t pronounce it. I’m just going to spell IKADHDAPADAM. And she’s like, I could DECODAM. I’m like, yeah, or whatever it was. And
she says, sir, that’s not a mental drug. That’s for high, high cholesterol. And I said, whoops, you know, my secret. And I just hung up. You just hung up. I just hung up. I was so embarrassed. I’m like, I don’t want everybody to know I have high cholesterol. I don’t think I do anymore since the bariatric, You know, I don’t get a blood test for another 4 months, but I probably don’t have high cholesterol anymore. But I, I do as of right now, I think. And so I just didn’t want to share that with her, But
it could have been so much more but it was embarrassing because I pitched it to my psychiatrist and then And then to get told, you know, that’s cuz you’re fat, you know, or you used to be you know That’s cuz you have high cholesterol. So anyway, so yeah. How could it have been worse? John?
You could have said,
I don’t know how to say this, but it’s spelled CILIAS.
Is that 1 of them?
Cialis? Yeah. What does that do? Is that hair medication? Yeah. No, it’s not, is it? No, it’s not. It’s not. It’s for men, specifically. Don’t even be on my show anymore. Sorry. I’m sorry. It could have been worse though. It could have been.
If that was what you, I mean, oh geez.
Can you imagine? I’m not, I’m getting, I’m getting strangely quiet like you do when I start sliding, when I start backsliding.
I would have had to find
a whole new doctor. If you can’t pronounce the Alice though, you’re you need a tutor and a doctor. So what was the other 1? That was a big Viagra.
Yeah, that 1 by I was trying to think of that 1, but I don’t know. I’m getting all sorts of ads for those things. I think I’m falling. What? You’re old.
Yeah, they’ve got you in a, in a, in an app somewhere that says he needs to know about this, about this time in
his life.
This guy leaves life.
Oh, all
right, John.
Did he make it in chewables? Is it my turn for a week?
It is. I’m done, man. I’m done.
All right. Well, here we go. So, my oldest, my son, my John, Johnny, he was born in January. That’s important to this story. He was born early in the year of 2005, to be exact. And we were having a conversation the other day around the couch, just kind of in the living room. And we were talking about our, Amy and I were talking about our first cars. And I was like, yeah, my first car was 1981 Ford LTD. And it was, you know, almost 10 years, I was almost, wait, I can’t remember what I was saying
but I was saying it was really close kind of to my birthday but it wasn’t got I was like 6 years off and Amy was like well my first car was a 1974 Volkswagen bug, and that was my birth year. Oh, I was like, that’s so cool. And she said, yeah. And on top of that, I think her brother got 1 that for his birth year or, or maybe her.
See, that’s 1 of my dreams.
Oh yeah. To have 71,
73,
73,
Not that old, John.
Oh, you want you want a 73. OK. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Amy’s was a 7.
I’ll even take a super beetle. I don’t care.
You know, super beetles are I had a super beetle and it was a. I think it was a 71, actually. Yeah. Anyways, it was great. Is it they had a great paint job. It was brown. I call it the Hershey bug because it looked like the same color as a Hershey rapper anyways not relevant to this story anyways Johnny’s like he’s got a 2005 Mercury Grand Marquis. Mm-hmm. And like Johnny, you’ve got a car that is your birth year. And he’s like, well, technically they’re made in 2004.
Oh my gosh.
And so I was quiet for a minute. And you know, he kind of talks about, you know, because it was manufactured, made and stuff. And I said, Johnny, technically you were made in 2004.
He looked at me
with his look on his face. He got real wide-eyed
and just kind of stared
at me and then kind
of like awkward embarrassment and then he’s like,
yeah, I guess that’s true. That showed that little punk. He’s trying to be all snarky Technically who was made in 2004 yeah? That is perfect. That is my favorite weekly update you’ve ever done
Glad because I I thought you know what I got to remember this and I did. Here it is.
That was great. So that was amazing. Technically, technically,
Amy loved it. She just laughed. She’s like, yes!
Because you know, that’s 1
of Johnny’s things. He likes to be kind of little snarky little know-it-all guy.
Right, right, right.
And it’s just an endearing quality that he has but it’s always fun to be able to volley 1 right back to him.
So everybody’s 8 months older than they are.
That’s good. That’s really good.
Yeah. Well, theme show theme song I wrote. Yeah. We got a couple of stories that we didn’t get to last week. We promised we’d get them to him this week. Trevor from Missouri writes, this is Trevor from Missouri and my story takes place in Disneyland.
Disneyland.
A few years back I was standing in line for a ride with my friend. And then the next in the line next to us, 2 young teens were goofing off and decided to fart really loudly in line.
How did this not make it on the show?
Just didn’t fit.
That didn’t bother me too much, but it made the large adult behind them very angry. And he took his hand and clapped it on 1 of their shoulders and said something to the effect of you think you’re being funny. Don’t do that again.
Oh, wow. The teens touched them.
The teens look terrified by this. I was pretty angry that this man had crossed such a line. So I stepped up and I said, hey, man, I get that it made you angry, but you don’t need to put your hands on him. And he turned his glare onto me because that’s how it always happens. They don’t back down. The but the buttholes never back down as he turned. He saw I saw thick tattoos on his arm. That’s always a good sign, too.
Oh, no.
And then it hit me. I was trapped in a sea of bodies with no real place to run if he wanted to hurt me. He looked at me over and he raised an eyebrow and huffed out, I’m their father.
Sir, would you like to get in front of me? Because
she liked it.
Please get Mickey Mickey. I can photo op real quick. I got to go. Bye. I can hear him.
Then I felt like a complete idiot. In my mind, I went from being a hero to being a young doofus that was criticizing someone’s parenting style, something I was definitely not qualified to do. Almost even more awkward was there was nowhere to hide after the confrontation. So there were very long minutes of going from line to line, standing about 8 feet apart from the man crossing him constantly. Yeah, Every time trying to not to make eye contact with the man that I mistakenly reprimanded. Thank you for reading this on the show. Trevor from Missouri.
Dad, you guys think you’re being funny, huh? Don’t do that again.
Absolutely within his rights. You know,
yeah, totally. Well, here’s the question. Why was he? Why was there somebody in between him and his kids?
I don’t know.
I guess I don’t
know. But you know the way the lines weave, you know, back and forth. So he could have been 15 people away in the line But still been just across the bar. Yep from him and his kids, you know
Yeah, I
don’t know but I just imagine having to weave past all the way through that line
I’m sorry again. I’m sorry still
Do you want my spot?
Can I get you some Mickey waffles or something?
We get off this ride. I’ll never see you again. I promise
Jen their father.
I’m their father you moron Jessica writes This last weekend. I went to the San Diego Zoo with some friends. We stopped at the Champagne, Champagne exhibit. Can’t say champagne. Trying to
say Champagne.
Champagne exhibit. We stayed there a little too long and we started seeing chimpanzees.
Is that your wife?
I’m a Stuart. Stuart, look
at this.
Stuart, Check it out. I’m looking for the eagles. The chimpanzees are everywhere. Anyway, we stopped at the chimpanzee exhibit and we noticed they were drinking cocktails. No, we noticed that 1 monkey in the corner was eating something out of his fingers that looked remarkably like green poop. Oh, no. All of a sudden he scrambled over to a rocky pit in the corner, squatted down. He stuck his hand under his butt And he waited for the poop.
That is soft serve.
He immediately started eating it. Gosh.
Oh, sick.
You know, there’s a great comedian named Nate Brighetti. And he talks about how DNA, like 90% of our DNA is shared with the chimpanzee. He’s like, I don’t think we, we give, he says, he says, we don’t respect that 10% enough. He’s like, cause they, we’re, we’re 10% away from throwing our own poop. So that 10% is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
And you know, what’s crazy is, is that people saw that sometimes just lose a little bit.
Yeah.
They kind of regress or whatever. Right. They’d lose that 10%. Let’s just say
that’s true. That’s true. So for a moment we just stared and thought aloud that what the weird what a weird monkey it was until several other chimps joined him. Oh, my friend exclaimed, it’s like their own soft serve. Hey, there’s your joke. You beat them to it. Needless to say, it was quite a hilarious experience. I don’t think so. I think it was.
It’s disgusting. Terrible.
I’m gonna vomit it.
I hope you enjoyed my story. Keep up the good work, Jessica. See, that’s why we have women that listen to our show because there are women out there that love a good poop story.
A monkey poop story.
Monkey. A monkey poop story.
Monkey. I’m sorry, Jessica. I’m sorry that happened to you. That you had to observe that.
You know what happened to me today? I was getting out of my boss’s car.
Monkey poop.
It has nothing to do with monkey poop. Just feeling like monkey poop. I opened, he parked, you know, up next to the curb. I opened the door all the way and the bottom of his car door scrapes like crazy on the sidewalk. And I said, dude, I just scraped your car. And I got up out of the car and the car door lifted off of it was just the weight of my body that had closed the gap and I felt under there and I said dude I kind of scritched it up and I realized I was
pandering Because I wanted to use a cute word like, scritched instead of scratched.
It’s just a little scritched,
you know? Did you use
a cute
voice? I accidentally scritched it. I’m so sorry.
And he said, I ain’t worried about it. And I was like, okay. But then I saw him over on that side. And I saw I leaned back out the window and I’m looking, but he’s, he’s in the car. He ain’t checking out the bottom of the door. He didn’t. He literally didn’t care. But I felt like garbage, man.
Did you leave paint on the sidewalk?
I don’t know I didn’t check I
bet you did. It always sounds worse than it is.
It felt like sandpaper down there like yeah It was bad. Just a
little scratch.
Just a little scratch.
It’s not even
worth charging me or firing me for. So, you know.
It’s not even worth it.
Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your bonus content. We enjoyed making it for you.
I did.
We loved that you listened. So.
Thank you.
We even had an idea. I think was it John that had the idea? Was it your idea?
I don’t know
about releasing bonus content whenever we can’t do a show
whenever we miss a little bit.
So our goal is to never miss a show. But when we do, I hate it. And it makes me depressed. It really affects my mental state because it’s like, you can’t even podcast, you know, your favorite thing in the world. And you can’t even do that. You’re a loser. That’s the way my brain works, my depressed brain. But John had this idea of taking bonus content and releasing it as an episode on the rare occasion. So it does 2 things, right? It fills the gap, it gives the people what they need and it exposes them to
the benefits of supporting the show like you guys do.
It lets them see how fun this part is so that they’ll want to be part of it too.
So I can’t wait for John to get sick with the flu or something. No, I don’t want to
get sick with the flu,
but we need you to, John.
I could just take a week off if you want me to. No, no.
I, John is going to be gone. Just FYI for a couple of weeks. Yeah. Right before Narthexcon. Yeah. But we’ve got guest hosts. We’ve got Donovan Atkinson, I think, and Chris Cowan are going to be filling in. And Chris is hilarious. Donovan’s a great Southern boy. He’s a good Georgia boy. So we’re replacing 1 good Georgia boy for another. It’s going to be good. So, there’s a little behind the scenes for you. We’ll see you guys later. Thanks so much. Bye. Bye. Hey, welcome to stuff that didn’t fit on the show where we put stuff that
didn’t fit on the show. I’m still your host James.
I’m still the guy in the other chair and I still go by John.
Yeah. We, we, we have a very good relationship, John and I, yeah, in case you guys wonder, We’re friends. We’re friends in real life. We talk to each other occasionally. Huh. John is a wonderful gift giver. Just always, always getting stuff in the mail from him. Just cards and stuff. He’s just,
all right now he’s fantastic. I, I don’t know who you’re talking about because that is definitely not me.
John stink lobster. That’s who
stink lobster. He’s that guy. He’s so friendly and smells like the sea. Barbasol. Old man shaving cream. Oh man. Barbasol.
You could sneak raptor eggs out in Barbasol. Isn’t that what they used? That’s right.
That’s right. No, wait, that wasn’t, that was the shaving cream.
Yeah, that’s Barbasol. Right.
Barbasol. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Barbasol. Yeah. You don’t even need to shave. You put that on your face and
it melts hair. I wish dang. You know, the stuff that, what do they have, you know, Nair, when we were kids, if you dare wear short shorts, Nair, for short shorts. You remember that? Yeah. You know, as a teenager, you don’t know that the stuff is basically battery acid, you know, and oven cleaner.
Oven cleaner, pretty much.
And so you just think, man, I’ll never have to shave. I’ll just slather that crap on my face and melt the hair away.
And that won’t hurt at all. No,
no. And it’s just a big fat lie.
It gets on your pants. Like when I would, you know, put it on my legs. Really?
I was about to say. You know another lie I heard recently? That we were all taught, we were all taught this, that bears hibernate in the winter. It’s total bull crap.
When do they hibernate?
They don’t. They, they go through a chill phase or something, but they don’t like fatten up and hibernate for the winter. It’s, it’s a lie. Yeah. And They taught us this in school.
Like I thought like I even saw things on like National Geographic. Yeah. The bear
hibernates in the woods for
20 days.
They poop in the woods, but they don’t hibernate in the woods. So it’s, it was even in my Boy Scout handbook that you had to watch out for snowdrifts because they would burrow underneath them and you could fall in a freaking bear den with a mama and her cubs and it’s like, it’s, it’s all lies. What? Yeah. Look, look at that
real quick. I feel like I need to look that up. Yeah. All right. I’m going to say do bears hibernate. I can’t, there it is. Fancy. Yes. According to Google AI, bears hibernate during the winter. However, their hibernation is more advanced when it’s typically considered hibernation, which involves periodic arousal to move around and feed. This says bears are superior hibernators because They enter a long period of physical inactivity and exhibit physiological responses to low temperatures and food availability.
That’s AI. We don’t believe in that. So, okay, here it is. Here it is right here. Wikipedia or Alaska Fish and Wildlife. Bears hibernate during the winter, but aren’t sleeping the whole time. That’s the
thing. Okay.
They gave us
and do some stuff.
They gave us information. They led us to believe that bears went into a coma.
That’s yeah. That’s what I believed when I was a kid. That is correct. But as I got older, I learned that they do sleep, but they don’t like they’re not like out for 6 months or 3 months or whatever.
So, okay,
I could, I wouldn’t mind hibernating.
Dude, I know it wasn’t say you rarely urinate or defecate or not at all. I shoot.
I would.
Could you
imagine not having to take a shower for 3 weeks?
I’m going to take and then you use an as angel. We’re Not having to take a shower. It’s just not what I thought was going to come out. I was, I was reaching buddy. I said shower.
I got 1 of those buttons too, buddy.
I know it. I know it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it.
All
right. So I got everybody enjoyed the show. It was fun. It was fun.
It was. If I’m being honest, I was I’m still adjusting to this new which by the way, patrons, thank you so much for this Roadcaster duo. I wanted to say thanks. I’m adjusting to using it and hearing myself with it and it’s very different, but this thing is incredibly amazing. And I’m so very thankful for it. So I feel like I owe you something now. So when my creative juices start, you know, coming out of hibernation,
You’re recording, you recorded an unboxing, right?
I did,
I recorded
an unboxing.
I think that’s good.
Well, I just feel like I could sing a song with this thing. Oh. Yeah. I could put this on there.
Hey there, let me tell you about myself.
I could sing a song with that or something.
Maybe you could. Maybe
you shouldn’t.
Maybe you should. That’s the word. There I go. Maybe you should. So did you guys like my Scottish girl? Listen again. Clean comedy for ages 13 and up. What do you think
about that? 13 and up.
I got a thicker accent.
She’s got a thicker accent?
Yeah, than the last girl.
Yeah. Now, do you think this is an actual Scott? Oh, definitely. Definitely. Yeah. Does she have a Tarot? No, but- is she a Stuart?
No, but yes, she’s
a Frasier.
You can tell when somebody’s doing a voice. They’ll tell you they’re not afraid to say it. They’ll say, you know, a lilting Scottish accent or slight Scottish accent, a professional Scott. I mean, there is every kind of accent you could ask
for out there. So, you know what I want to hear? A redneck Scottish accent.
World. Would you manage that? I don’t know.
I don’t know, but I would, I would pay fiver to hear that. Look it up, dude. Redneck Scottish accent. I’ll, I’ll do that tomorrow.
Okay. First thing. First thing.
And if there’s not the 1 there, I will work on a redneck Scottish accent.
I don’t think there’s any rednecks in Scotland. You have to find the equivalent of that. Like what is their redneck? You know?
Yeah, maybe they call them peatnecks.
I mean, like the English have their cockney, you know, accent, which should probably be considered, you know, a lower form of English, even though it’s my, 1 of my favorites. So what is the Scottish, What’s the, the, the basest version of Scottish accent that you can get? What’s that?
You can’t even understand them because there’s so much.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. That would be great. I’ve heard of Scots that you, they talk And like other Scots can understand them because
they’re so heavy on that.
You know what it’s like. I see in there, you know, she even, and the Scots like, Oh, I don’t know what you’re saying, boy. You’re going to slow down or something. Love it. Yeah.
Oh, let’s rewind the week. It’s a new sound effect. That is new. Yeah. Do you like it? I hear it again.
I do. It’s like I heard the VCR rewinding. Yes. A little.
That’s what DJs do. I’m a DJ.
DJ. That was amazing. And I just got a question. Was that the Corvette VHS Rewinder or was that the sandwich 1?
It was this crappy sandwich 1 that popped open when it was done. Yeah Be kind rewind or we’ll charge you 2 dollars
2 dollars man. Yeah, you know how old I am. I’m old enough to remember being on the phone with blockbuster And when I say phone, I don’t mean cell phone. I know no The push button phone with a cord accorded phone. Oh
All right So my my rewind of the week is that my whole family is on Life 360. Are you familiar with this app, John?
I am, I am.
It runs down your batteries like crazy. It does. Because You’re basically projecting your GPS coordinates to a satellite, you know, 24 hours a day. It just eats into my battery so bad. But anyway, for some reason On our 360, Jay decided that he was going to call himself Joseph. Really? Yeah. Joseph? Random, stupid, you know. Joseph. And that’s not a middle name for him, right? No, it’s not. It’s nothing. It’s just a J name that he picked. And I don’t know if he was trying, he’s not a guy that tries to be funny, you know? Like
just, he’s not that kind of person, but that’s why it kind of struck me as odd. And if he was trying to be funny, which that’s the only thing I could come to, I’m like, well, I have to be funnier than him. So I changed my name to Joseph senior
and now
his name is Jay. He changed it back.
That’s a drental course correction. That’s what we call that.
So I loved, I mean, you know, it got on his nerve so bad that I, I ruined his, his little joke. Dad, it was just a joke. Why do you have to 1 up me? I’m a terrible father. So yeah, I love you, dad. That’s, that’s my weekly update right there. My rewind is I’m a terrible father. Well, mine is I’m a terrible person. Oh no.
What did you do? I did. I it’s no, I’ll save that 1 for next week.
You can’t say I’m a terrible person and not qualify it.
All right, okay. All right, and here it is then. This is a car story,
all right?
All right. So I- Oh, let
me get some popcorn. Hold on, I love car stories. All right, go. Lightning McQueen is my favorite, go.
In the car. Okay. This is a, this is a, you’re an idiot driver story. Okay. Okay. And I, I spent years commuting through Atlanta, Georgia. And I can tell you stories about how nobody on that road knows how to drive except for a few people.
And 1 of them’s name is John Steinklauber.
1 of them is the angel of the highway. Yes. And I’m just kidding about that, but seriously, there’s a lot of people who are not good drivers.
Yeah, Atlanta’s scary. I remember driving through there for the first time. There’s like 18 lanes. Oh yeah, yeah. When you
go right through downtown. Oh. You got I-20 and you got 75 and 85 coming all together within the 5 mile distance and it’s just like, which lane?
And I was in a U-Haul and I needed to change lanes and I was so scared that I was going to run somebody. Oh, this is horrible. You had no rear view. You’re trusting on mirrors. You know, ugh.
Yeah, if you’re driving right now and you’re near Atlanta, just turn around. You look for a way around it using the side roads.
Just keep driving until you see rednecks and you’ll be fine.
And I’ll be right there with them. But so I was at a red light. And you know, some red lights, they give you the green arrow. And that’s when you know when it’s safe to turn. So this was like a, it’s kind of like a weird spot because you’ve got 1 road that’s kind of like north or westbound, it’s going 1 road, 1 direction. They’ve got 1 lane that doesn’t have to stop, right? Because they’ve got that pass through and it’s kind of blocked off a little bit. And then there’s another lane that is a turning
lane that comes into where I was leaving from. And so I had seen the lights change and it was my turn to go. And the people in that turn lane that are turning into the spot where I’m trying to leave from, they just pull out and they’re like, they’re like pulling out and I’m like, you idiot. I’m like, I’m starting to move and I’m starting to go And these jerks are going, right? And so like, we’re going to either crash or I want to have to slow down. So of course I slow down. And these people
are like looking at me, like I’m like the idiot that was doing something wrong. And so I’m like, I pull out, like these jerks don’t know how to drive. And then I realized that the light for me to go was actually red. And
I was the jerk.
I was the bad person. Because here I was being all judgmental on
these folks.
And I was the 1 that was wrong.
Isn’t that the way it always goes?
It is. I hate eating humble pie. It’s terrible. The bad thing is that in me and my stupidity, I actually cut somebody off that was supposed to be going. So fortunately it was early in the morning and nobody had their coffee yet and we all survived.
Good. Good. Man, St. Lewis has the worst drivers too. And, and as an added benefit, many of them are not registered, have driver’s licenses or insurance.
As you learned very well,
very recently. Yeah. And, it is, it’s scary. Like we knew eventually somebody was going to run a stop sign because there’s so many times you’re driving and you see them just shine through, right through a stop sign up ahead of you. And you’re going, you don’t have a stop, they do, but they go through. And I’m like, 2 seconds later and they would have killed us, you know? And it’s been 10 years. We were due, you know? I hate to say it that way, my name it, claim it word of faith mother, charismatic mother,
don’t claim it. Don’t claim it James, You gotta keep a positive confession. Power of life and death is in the tongue.
I know, mom. I know, but I still have a headache and it’s not a demon. I just need a Tylenol. So
yeah, There
you go. But no, I mean, we knew that eventually- Statistically speaking, yes. And it did happen. By the way, they are gonna fix the car. It didn’t tow to it. Why? So I’m so glad because I love that car.
Now, your insurance is gonna take care of that? Yep. That’s awesome. And then they’re going to go after the guy to pay to. Okay. Yeah. Oh, good luck. Good luck, dude. That doesn’t have insurance.
I know. I hope they get him. I mean, he was a nice guy, but you can’t be driving around.
Kind of having, even at the very basics, you can, you just do without a latte once a week and you can make it.
Yeah. Maybe you
can do
it. Let’s read some stories. We got 3. 0, one’s pretty long.
So, it didn’t fit on the show. So we got to read them right here for our fantastic patron friends.
Hi, John and James. I’m Stephanie from Florida.
Hi, Stephanie.
And here’s my story. So this story took place about 2 or 3 years ago and I just moved into my apartment. So there were boxes everywhere. Keep this in mind. Okay. Boxes. Boxes.
I see them. They are brown paper boxes. They’re stacked up. Yay. Hi. Yes. They’re still smell like the packing materials.
Everywhere. She, everywhere she bought, she bought these, these, these were bought. They weren’t borrowed. These are fresh fresh from
you haul. Yeah. Love those ones. Those are my favorite.
They are the best. You know what? I have a slight side story to add. We had some friends and, they borrowed that we bought boxes, right.
To
move. Because my, my wife’s work moved us. And so we had these boxes and we lent them to a friend, some friends of ours. And rather than give them back or pay it forward, they sold those boxes.
No. Yes. Did they at least give you some
of the share? No. No. No. No. Never heard another word.
What kind of friend does that?
As it turns out, very bad friends. Yeah.
It wasn’t me, was it?
No. When have I ever farted? Anyway, so we got boxes. We have to keep in mind When I was about to go to sleep on like the first week or so, I saw a lizard on my wall. As a girl and my girly habits, I screamed and ran to my dad asking him to kill it for me. Show me where it is so I can kill it. He said. So I led my dad back to my room. And when I was about to turn the corner, I screamed in terror. I got startled by a 4 foot
tower of boxes. She was so worked up. I’m going to die. Dad, save me. The only thing that would make this story better if she just like punched it in the face and not knock that top box off. Oh, it was all my breakable fragile stuff. So I thought the small tower was a giant lizard, but after that incident, me and my dad made jokes of it at family reunions. Hope this makes it on the show. Stephanie from Florida. Yeah. Heck yeah.
Man, I had some, my, my office is, is it, is a metal box. Basically It’s an outdoor shed that’s been converted into be kind of office space. And I had a couple of students in here, I was deprovisioning their Chromebooks and they were both girls and they were leaving and they stopped real quick and like, there’s a snake on the ground. And it was not a snake. It was a good size lizard, but it wasn’t a snake. And that’s just because our shed here backs up to some woods And we have a lot of lizards that
come in but I was able to escort the lizard out and escort them out as well But yeah,
I think lizard should be escorted out. Yeah, But spiders should be killed on sight. Well, when I was like in second grade, we had a project where you laid down on a big piece of butcher paper and somebody traced you and then you cut it out and then you drew inside of it, you know. Like your guts and intestines and
stuff?
Yeah, maybe so, maybe so, cause it had a face on it. And I put it on the back of my door, cause I was like, you know, that’s a good place for it. Yeah. And Every time I would shut my door, that thing would scare the living crap out of me. And it happened like 3 times in 1 night. And I, I freaking tore that thing down off the wall and crumpled it up and threw it in the kitchen trash. I’m like, don’t you come back either? I don’t want to see some crumpley dude stuff in
the back of my door. That’s the start of a horror story. Yeah. SBC 97.9. Yeah. The freaking crumple paper guy. Oh, that would be terrible. Yeah. Right. Right.
I had, I had a wood, wood doors in my house growing up and I, you know what pareidolia is, right? No. Pareidolia is, is, is when you see faces and stuff.
Oh yeah, yeah.
It’s just like programming within our body, you always see faces. So, but I, the back of my door looked like, because of the way the wood was, it’s natural wood, it looked like a shrouded death figure. Oh. And I hated, I hated closing that door with it. Like so, cause I would stare at it and it’s
like, everything looks like death. It’s very nice wood, but it’s death.
My mom scared me so bad with demon stories. Yes. Okay. It was so popular to talk about the devil when we were kids. And, and so I would, I would sit, I would lay in my bed and we had popcorn ceilings And my mind would create the most demonic faces out of these random patterns of popcorn. And I would see them nightly, the same faces. And it’s just terrifying. It’s amazing. I even stuck with Christianity at all. Seriously.
Leave your faith so that you don’t have to believe in the scary demons.
I had my deconstruction phase, but my intention was to hold on to my faith rather than just run away
and just discard it.
Yeah. So I do have a different understanding of things and demons really don’t come into the equation, you know, To be honest, for a minute in St. Louis, I have had more principality and powers kind of interactions than I have with any individual spirits thing. There is a darkness that floats over the city of St. Louis and it is, it is a lack of hope is a severe lack of hope. So if you ever visit here, you won’t feel it because you’ll be near the arch and the arch is beautiful, but if you come and live
here, it will, it will find you and it will destroy your soul.
If you’re not careful,
when Weston writes, so 1 time I went to St. Louis and my soul died. So
I was going to live there.
I was going to live there. And I went to the arch and it felt great. But then I moved into my house and my soul died.
And my hope was gone.
So 1 time I had my grandpa and grandma over and we were eating dinner. And My grandma hates hot spicy stuff. And he was gonna grab the salad dressing, but he accidentally grabbed the buffalo sauce without knowing it. And he put a whole lot of buffalo sauce on and he took a big old bite and his face was as red as a tomato. And me and the rest of my family started laughing a lot. Piaz hope this makes it on the show.
Grandpa didn’t make it that night.
Yeah grandpa died. I told you about the time I put vinegar in this old lady’s water And I thought I’d killed her. Yeah.
She’s going to die from drinking.
It was such a great idea. And then I just had to watch her the rest of the shift to see if she like leaned up, lost her balance or something.
You know,
she starts coughing up blood. I didn’t know what vinegar did to a person. I just smelled like Easter to me, you know Yep.
Well fun fact it helps dissolve like people drink apple cider vinegar Okay, and it helps dissolve like kidney stones and stuff.
Oh good. Maybe I Hope she’s dead now cuz she was she was terrible terrible person. Just the meanest old lady ever. Well, and I knew her mother-in-law, I mean her daughter-in-law, okay? And I did work for her. Like I was like her person she would call if she needed stuff done. And this poor woman would talk about this old lady because she was married to her son And neither 1 of them liked her
and oh, the son didn’t like his mom.
No, no Wow, and
I would have to hear these stories and then go work with her and deal with her and I was you know I never wished death on anybody but I now that it’s been 30 years. I mean she was 70 that hopefully she’s dead for her own sake. You know what I’m saying?
Right. She’d be a lot more comfortable.
Yes. She’s like, this water has never been the same since that day back in 2000 or no, 19, the last decade, the 1900s, I haven’t had good water since that 1 day.
Since the 1900s.
Nice. Ashley K. From Utah shares our last story. When I was growing up, my family would adopt animals regularly. Oh. So we have had cats, dogs, and birds. I am a lifelong unapologetic cat lover. And although I don’t prefer dogs, I do get along with them fine, especially when they are gentle and mellow, which is not most dogs. And that was not Buddy. Buddy, I know a very original name, was a black lab. And although he was very friendly, He was also the most excitable dog I’ve ever seen in my life. I know this dog. Anytime
we tried to walk him, he would either yank the leash or run away, making the person walking behind him fall down, Or he would choke himself in the attempt to run away. That is so bad for them. And they’re so stupid. Yeah. They do it. You think they’d learn. He even got hit by a car 1 time, escaping, but amazingly he wasn’t hurt. He bounced off that bumper.
Oh jeez. Hi, look what I did. I just ran
right over. Hey, you made a friend. I’m a dog.
Buddy loved being around kids. And during the summer, we had a large above ground pool that my little brother and some neighbor kids would swim in, but he was always desperate to get outside and play when the kids came over and he would bark consistently and run around the house in a frenzy. 1 time the kids were in the front yard swimming. Wow, they had a pool in their front yard, John. Wow. Okay.
This is in Utah. So I mean,
maybe they do things differently. Some people face the back of the tub, John. Why do they do that?
I don’t know
why would they do that?
So they
don’t need to stop her. That’s the explanation. How does that work? Well, see 1 butt cheek, you get a little hickey down there. Trying to keep the water in. 1 time the kids were in the front yard swimming and someone thought it would be a good idea to leave the front door open, but leave the storm door closed. So Buddy could at least look out and maybe calm down for once. So that was our idea. It’s solid logic, but he did not calm down. Buddy was causing so much commotion trying to get out of that storm
door that we put him in my grandma’s room. Grandma adored Buddy and could usually get him to relax. He would even try to sit on her lap like he was 1 of the cats. Yeah, big dogs don’t know they’re big. No, right. They don’t. This time Buddy went to grandma’s window that looked out on the front lawn. And in doing so, he knocked over the bookcase next to her recliner. So he nearly killed grandma. Oh, she screams. And when I opened the door, Buddy blasts out past me, jumped straight through the glass storm door.
Oh, in
1 fell swoop. After I made sure grandma was okay, I went out to the front yard, past a sea of glass, and Buddy had somehow jumped into the above ground swimming pool and was swimming with the children. Wow. Half the kids were having a blast, The other half were completely terrified. I’m dope. Eventually, not long after the glass door incident, we found a local family to adopt him with a big yard
and no pool
who lived on a farm with a bunch of kids he could harass to his heart’s content. Hope it makes it on the show. Ashley K from Utah. Yeah, but he got adopted out because he was a bad dog. You can’t live with us anymore.
That’s how he got to Ashley in the first place.
Yeah, it’s true. It’s true. Oh, buddy. Poor buddy.
The yellow ones don’t stop.
I wonder if I could jump through that window and land in the pool. Oh my gosh. So great. The first time I read it through, I expected grandma’s door, a window to get jumped through. But yeah, I wasn’t real clear on what a storm door was. I know screen doors.
It’s kind of the same thing. Like the storm door just has glass
instead of… Yeah, never had a storm door. No. It must be a rich people thing. I don’t know.
You know, I’ve never had 1 either. How do I know what they are?
Yeah, who taught you?
I don’t know, maybe I read it
on the internet.
I Google, what is a storm door?
A storm door is a door that… Do storm doors hibernate?
No, no they
don’t. Never, they don’t hibernate or defecate.
You can see through
them though. A dog can jump through it and 1 felt swoop
I’m surprised a dog didn’t get like cut up and stuff.
I know yeah, they like jumps in the water, And there’s blood that’s what I was a picturing There’s a red, you know, just reds just gashed open, you know
I’m getting sleepy swimming in this pool All
the kids
are screaming the lightheaded The pool looks like Kool-Aid.
Oh gosh. I’m getting sick.
That’s good. Time is any day in the show. Thank you so much for listening patrons. Thank you again for your support. I’m telling you the amount of upgrades we’ve been able to do. The part of the upgrades have been just learning new technology, using StreamYard to be able to live stream and record and be able to post YouTube videos of our podcast has been huge. But then part of it is, is technology.
I
literally get, John and I both just replaced so much cabling and hardware and boxes and switches and all this. And it’s just so simplified now.
It’s not, not kidding. I just press a button. Yeah. And this thing like it’s podcasting with it is just scratching the surface. Yeah. So,
yeah. But you guys know that I, when I go down depression wise, podcasting is 1 of the first things to go. I’m really, really, really, really, really hoping that I’m done with depression. But if I do go down, there’ll be more podcasts because of technology like this, because I only have to sit down and hit a button. I don’t have to worry about 40 things. And making
sure this level’s good. And that’s turned up and this is compressing.
I mean, when you hit the power button, everything freezes in place and you boot it back up and it just works. It just works. So, yeah, look up the Rodecaster Pro on YouTube or the Rodecaster Pro 2.
Or the roadcaster duo and just watch people talk about it. Yeah. It is fantastic. It is everything and they say, and more. And I didn’t believe it. I they’ve, they’ve had enough to where this is the second generation. And somebody I really respected on YouTube sold $3, 000 worth of his equipment and bought 1 of these. And his name’s Mike Russell and he has a pod, or he does voiceover work professionally and he’s, yeah. So. Maybe I can get, well, if it weren’t for AI, I would feel encouraged to get into voiceover work. But now that
they got AI being able to do everything. Yeah. There’s still, there’s still money out there. Well, anyway, guys and gals, we love you. We appreciate you. We, we, we thank you and We applaud you. How about that? And we’ll see you guys next week right here same time same channel and Okay, thanks shut up You guys bye. I hope you enjoyed the episode guys. Hopefully we’ll be back to normal very soon. Hopefully I’ll be back to normal very soon. Again, if you enjoyed the bonus content, I think it enhances the show. Check it out every week
by becoming a supporting listener. Patreon.com slash that story show and get it every single week. You also get all kinds of other cool stuff. So check it out. Patreon.com slash that story show. We’ll see you guys next time. Bye.
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