Apparently you have to be 14 to get your story on this week’s episode! Did you know that our stories and personalities make the show better than therapy? This week Valerie experiences a chilling surprise when something cold slips down her shirt, while Nathan has a near-death experience simply rearranging his room. Maureen’s husband struggles with a less-than-fresh attempt at eating healthy, and Zeke faces disaster trying to use a broken bathroom. Ashley’s first sit-down restaurant experience turns into a fiasco, and Dan’s dogs get into all sorts of trouble with their doggie door, leading to some seriously dumb deeds.
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Full Transcript:
This is that story show where your hilarious real-life stories get the audience they deserve Hey podcast people, I’m your host. My name is James Kennison.
I am John Steinklauber. This week on that story show, Valerie has something cold go down her shirt. Nathan almost dies rearranging his room. Maureen’s husband tries to eat fresh. Zeke tries to use a broken bathroom. Uh-uh. It all goes wrong for Ashley at her first sit down restaurant experience. And Dan’s dog do dumb deeds with doggy door. Thank you for that alliteration.
It’s all right.
The dogs do dumb deeds with a doggy door. Welcome
to the show everybody. We always like to start with an opening story. This is called Brush Battle from Valerie in Tuscany, Italy. Oh,
we have an Italian listener?
I guess so.
Wow. It makes me want to do my fake Italian accent, but then I’m going to offend our Italian listener and
then- Oh, go ahead and offend him.
Hey! That’s just not even- It’s
not even so American. I can’t
do it. I’m too woke now.
Oh my gosh.
Sorry, I can’t say that.
With 2 small children at home, who only want their mother for everything? For getting them a glass of water to wiping their bums. I’m not able to get away and do as much work as I should. Finally, the night before several new young hens would be arriving, I went out with a headlamp to cut down canes and brush from the overgrown holding pin next to the coop. Dang, there’s so much going on there. She’s got a headlight. It’s dark. She doesn’t have time to do this during the day. The kids are obviously down. She finally has
some alone time. And how does she spend it? Not with Bon Bon’s and her feet up in a bathtub, but out there in the chicken coop, clearing away crap for the new baby birds.
Baby birds,
baby chicks.
Focusing
on getting as much done as possible before inevitably I get called back to the house, I made a mental note of the tunnels under my feet from rats. I’ve been battling for months and the giant garden spiders hanging just a few feet over my head in the dark. No, no. That’s a gallery. Do this job in the day. Yeah, day time job, daytime job, unless you’re running a charity for freaking rats and spiders. And I don’t think there is such a thing. Not even vegans really get involved with the rodents. Have you noticed, you know, PETA
never puts them on the list of where’s the line between pets and food, you know, nobody cares about rats. So I crashed down and jigsawed through many canes, grabbing the bunch with both hands, and I began pulling them from the thicket toward the burn pile.” Man, she is country. Are you sure she’s from Tuscany and not Alabama? I don’t know.
I mean,
I don’t
know. I’ve never met anybody from Tuscany.
Yeah, I don’t know what they do. I guess they have land. Anyway, just then something- Grapes
and stuff, you know? It’s a wine country,
what do we
eat? Just then something large, hard, and cold fell down the back of my shirt. I dropped the canes and began flailing like 1 of those blow-up guys in front of an auto dealership. Do they have those in Italy? Apparently too small to be a rat. It wasn’t beetle season. And we’re spiders cold. Lord, please don’t let it get stuck in my bra. I finally managed to free the creepy thing from my clothes and down by my feet it rolled. A wild grape. You called it, John. You didn’t even know.
Yes. Because in my imagination, Everybody in Italy grows grapes because that’s where the vino comes from. Hey, a vino. And they all eat pasta. Oh. Is that right?
That’s
right. Am I close? Yeah. And if I’ve offended every single Italian, I do apologize. Your food is the best.
We love you Italians, but I don’t believe she’s from Italy. I mean, that sounded too much America for me. Rats and spiders.
Because it didn’t have an Italian accent in
there. Canes and I mean, the grape kind of lends some legitimacy to it. I wanna believe we have people from Italy listening, but I don’t know. I don’t know. Do they have the blow up guys in front of auto dealerships in Dagum, Tuscany, Italy? I don’t know.
I’m going to have to Google map it.
They just seem cultured for that, you know? Like maybe 1 hand waving, you know?
You say too cultured, you mean they’ve got too much class. Is that what you’re saying?
Yeah, like I’m saying, their blowout machine man might just blow 1 hand, you know, like waving at people or saluting. Salute.
It goes, it goes like this.
Yeah. Hey, what’s the matter with you? I don’t know.
What’s the matter with you? Gosh. Nice.
All right, I got a question for you real quick. I’ve been thinking about this all week. If your pet could talk, first you have to pick 1. I’m gonna pick, I’m gonna pick Leo.
Okay.
And you have
to- Is that
the 1 you hate? Yeah, it’s
the 1
I hate. Okay. Because what would be its strongest opinion if it could talk?
Okay. I think I could answer that.
I think I can too. You go first.
It’s going to have to do with food because my cat, I’m going to pick the indoor cat because I got 2. We got 1 that lives outside, 1 that lives inside. OK. Actually, they both have the same opinion. What? When is dinner? When is breakfast? That’s all they think about.
They’re like little hobbits.
Little hobbits, Yeah.
They want second breakfast.
And leavensies.
I think my dog would say stop showering. Stop showering? I gave this some thought. Yeah. We like the way you smell. We like the way butts smell and we can’t smell yours because you keep taking showers.
It’s always so clean. We don’t know who you are.
I think that’s literally the opinion that they would have. That would be 1 of many, but that would be the primary 1.
You shower too much. We don’t know.
We don’t know who you are. That’s a good, please go back to depression where you didn’t shower every day. Oh, Anyway,
we felt so close to you back then.
Even though, I smell you across the room. This following review is brought to you by podgagement.com. Better than therapy, 5 stars. James and John, you have an amazing talent of helping people feel joy. Wow.
Wow. That’s awesome.
I love you.
Should run for presidency.
Both of us together. We’ve, we’ve tried this. We’ve talked about this before. We, we wanted to give everybody a 4 by 4. 4 by 4. That’s right. Number number 4 by 4. I love that the podcast is clean, but not too squeaky clean. I love James’s little devilish remarks and songs and John’s voices and jokes. That’s good. Cause that’s pretty much all we’ve got to offer. She summarized.
I’m not even good at those either.
I mean,
that’s the bio on the website under about. It’s just James songs, John voices and jokes. That’s it. You guys are the perfect yin and yang creating a perfect and humorous pizzazz Podcast starting to sound like AI you guys really make an impact on people’s lives or at least mine lolz PSI have laughed so hard that I’ve wet myself and I forgot to write the stupid name down of who it was. So thank you for the review. Thanks. No credit given to you, but please leave us a review on iTunes or Spotify. It makes us really happy
as you can tell. And it makes it really helps the show. So,
yeah, thanks. Yeah. And I’m sorry. I kind of feel responsible that we caused somebody to wet themselves.
Yeah. I
mean, maybe we need to
make a new warning for the show.
Yeah. Well, I mean, what do you, I don’t, I don’t know. Do we owe them a pair of underwear or a Yeti cup?
You squeezed the underwear out in the Yeti cup. I didn’t think that all the way through. We had a problem with wet pants and I had to get him dry. You know, somebody wrote in and they said, James, if you don’t wash your hands at home after you use the bathroom, then all your doorknobs belong to the toilet. According to our rules, right? But I said, I don’t know how, but hands are different somehow. Like if that little boy had peed in his mom’s hands instead of that Yeti cups. Somehow or another she could have flung
that junk outside and washed her hands and it would be fine because your skin is always refreshing.
That’s right. That layers that you’re always shedding off those skin cells.
Hands are different. Not that you should ever pee in your mom’s hands. That’s gross. Listen to last week’s episode for context, because I could realize that out of the blue, that would be something that I would turn the podcast off for.
I do listen to episode 480.
Yeah, I wouldn’t listen to this show if I were you. We do have a news nugget though. Let’s do it. Oh, thank God. Why is it not playing? It comes. It’s this computer. I’m telling you, it is on its last legs. I can’t even launch the software. I’ll just put it in later. I hate doing that.
Put it in post.
Yeah. That’s stupid. So stupid. All right. All right. A curious four-year-old accidentally breaks a 3500 year old jar at a museum. Oh, curious is in quotes, by the way. Curious. Another word for bratty,
stupid. Gotcha.
Little watched. Yeah. Yeah. Can we say turd on the show? Absolutely.
OK.
Especially in reference to a 4 year old who broke a 3500 year old jar. This thing is about the size of a four-year-old. A curious child accidentally, quote unquote, broke a centuries-old jar while visiting the Haik Museum at the University of Hafea in Israel. So this could be a Jesus jar.
Well, it’s older than Jesus. Well, technically, I mean, you know, Jesus, yeah, you know what I’m saying.
Yeah. Museum officials said Wednesday the jar is at least 3, 500 years old. The museum told CBS News in a statement and dates back to the middle Bronze Age. The four-year-old boy pulled the jar slightly, his father told CBS reporter partner.
Yeah, just slightly.
It was curious. I bet that’s where that word came from, too. His dad, who was supposed to be watching him. Yeah. Yeah. The boy was curious about what was inside. That’s in quotes too. Alex said. Yeah, there I called it. And the movement caused the jar to fall, smashing into several large pieces. How do you, what do you do there? You break you buy, you know, is that, is that? Sorry, we have to delete your child now. Oh, there it goes. You guys don’t know. You guys don’t know how long I’ve been trying to get sounds
to play.
It just comes up randomly.
And I was just going to edit it out that we were having problems, but I’m leaving that crap in cause dad gum it.
I love the hard
drive. That’s right. Oh, I think we never podcast my computer. I’ve been telling you guys, the computer is going whack and I was trying to play Doos Nugget intro. Let me see if it works. No, it still doesn’t work.
It’s gonna start playing in about 10 minutes.
Yeah, but
it played the featured.
It wouldn’t even launch the software for it and then featured stories. There it goes. There it
goes. Let’s do the news.
So that’s why you guys bought us the new computer. By the way, thank you. Thank you. Why haven’t you built it, James? I bought all the parts and tomorrow is building day. Okay.
That’s right.
I have a very busy week. So
it’s a hard working man.
Anyway, I am, I am, I would, if my kid broke something like that. I Would be honest. I would not stick around for the news to show up
I would probably take the first flight
to the moon and take the fifth is what I would do
I would that’s a perfect opportunity to turn into a bat and fly.
It’s a perfect opportunity to go into an Israeli bathroom and beat your child soundly on the bottom and possibly use a shard of That ancient pottery to do it. Let the punishment fit the crime. 3500 licks.
I’m just curious, like something that old shouldn’t be just out. Out.
Right. But But we’re from America. The oldest crap we have is 250 years old, you know, and they have thousands of years. So it’s all relative.
It’s all over the place.
To them, that’s just average old.
Maybe they didn’t really care. It’s like, oh, that’s just a 3500 year old. We got a 6000 year old 1 over
over in the corner there. Have you ever been to 1 of these though? They have them corded off with alarms if you go past them. This kid was not being watched. This man should be held accountable. He was curious, says the man.
He was
just curious about what was inside.
He was just curious. He pulled the jar slightly. No, he tipped it over so he could see what was in it. He grabbed it with both hands and yanked. He’s 4. He did not tip it slightly.
Yeah, he just tipped it slightly.
It would not have broken if you had been watching him. That’s all I’m saying.
Alex sounds like a very American name too.
Yeah, That’s true. He went over there and destroyed somebody’s history. That’s par for the course for us Americans. Let’s just go and wreck it. We’ll just go wreck it. It’s manifest destiny all over again. Everything in here belongs
to me.
Scott’s will.
I’m the most important person in the room. I’m from America.
I paid to be here just like everybody else I want to break something I’m entitled Geez so is my four-year-old
He was slightly he just pulled it slightly James.
Okay. So what do you think the kid, what happened to that kid?
What happened to
that kid? What did he get for doing that?
He probably got a stern looking at by his dad.
I don’t even think so.
Maybe he got his iPad taken away for 10 seconds.
I don’t believe it. He got nothing done to him. I, 10 bucks, he got nothing. This man was so worried about the way it made him look.
Oh yeah. He didn’t even care. You can deduce a lot out of this little story, can’t you?
I can. I always I always look at the worst and see it every time. What do
you think this dad this kid’s dad’s name is? Alex. Is Alex not Alexander, but Alex.
That’s what it says in the story, Alex.
Oh, OK. I thought Alex was the boy’s name.
No. His father, Alex, told CBS News partner.
OK. What’s the thing the little boy’s name was then? No, don’t guess. Cause then whatever name you guess, everybody’s listening. Who has that name?
I was just going to call him the butt jar boy. Little turd. Yeah. See what’s in this thousand, 3000 year old jar. Nothing’s in that jar, but history.
But well, not anymore.
It is history now. All right, let’s see how long it takes to play the featured story song. Oh! It’s time for some featured stories. All right. This is called shelf slip. It’s from Nathan. It reminded me of story. So it got on the show. This story takes place about 6 years ago when I was 8. No. At this age, I loved to rearrange the furniture inside my room. Oh man, I used to too.
Did
you? Yeah, dude. Just moving stuff around. I would draw pictures before and after. I would make measured drawings.
Really?
Yeah, that’s how I set up my office to this day.
That’s impressive.
I do it on an illustrator. I measure everything out. I used to do it in a sketch up until they started charging for it. I would do 3D renderings. I would measure all my furniture and figure out the most ideal way to place it. And then then I would know from the first time. But anyway, a child, I used to do it too. And in our house at that time, my room was very tiny, not giving me very much work. Or much space to work with. I had this really heavy bookshelf with tons of books that
I wanted to move to the other side of the room. I thought, how can I do this? And my super stupid brain came up with this solution. See I tied a rope around the top of the bookshelf and I pulled with all my strength.
Nice. Yes. I see. I see the logic behind that.
It’s like early early Spider-Man.
You know, he made a
lot of mistakes on where he placed his web. Yeah. First time
I see that in the movie.
Like we don’t do the tops of chimneys. We do the chimney where it attaches to the roof. You know, yeah, we don’t do stove pipe, you know, things. We stick to brick, you know, I don’t know, but he pulled with all the strength. Naturally, the bookshelf did not move forward, but it did come down on top of me. I was covered with a bunch of dusty books that have never been, should have never been in my room anyway. Luckily kind
of 8 year old keeps books in their
room?
Well, you’ll hear my story in a minute. Luckily, the bookshelf did not fall directly on me. So the worst damage I had was a bunch of bruises, dusty bruises. I guess the lesson is think before you tug or get ready for a bookshelf hug. Are
you serious?
Yeah. Go Nathan. He got his own little recap in there. Bookshelf hug. No when I was a kid, I combined 2 things. I combined a shelf falling on me, glass falling on me, and that trick you pull where you pull out drawers on your dresser to make them into steps. Oh No, yeah, so on top of my dresser was a bookshelf a small 2 shelf job But it had glass doors on the front and I needed to get in there for something. I don’t know what, but I was like, I can’t reach. I’m going to pull
out my drawers and make shelves out of them or steps.
Nice.
So I did. And I got up about to the third 1 and that whole thing fell over on me and it landed on my bed on top of me. Glass broke all over me. Books hit me in the face, mushing the glass in. I had glass sparkles in my face. I’m lucky to be alive. You are. My mom picked them out with tweezers and I cried the whole time. And that’s why I moved out last summer because she was done. You can’t keep breaking my stuff, James.
That was a true story.
It was. It was a true story. Just not the timing.
Just not the time frame. Nice little punchline.
Yeah, I had to have something. It was pretty crappy otherwise. Alright, let’s see when this 1 plays, because we’ve got an LBB. 1
of the many tools of the devil. Okay,
Everything seems to be normal now. Ram is working. Something went right. This is called Fast Food Fingers from Maureen. While driving to Florida, we stopped in a very country back roads area for a bathroom break and snacks. There’s no better place. That’s what the back woods are made for.
That’s right. Backwoods, Florida.
If you can’t find a place, the backwoods are the bathroom.
That’s everything outside of Orlando, by the way.
Yeah. And everything outside of Atlanta. I heard, I heard Atlanta described as an island in a sea of rednecks.
That’s actually pretty accurate.
That’s pretty accurate.
Wow.
Yeah, I love it though. There’s a reason I live here in Georgia.
Anyway, after eating too much fast food that day, my husband wanted to eat fresh. So he walked over to a subway just a few miles, a minutes after leaving though. I saw him walking back, the car empty handed. When he got in the car, I said, where’s your food? Apparently when he got to the subway, he saw a lady outside having a cigarette. And as he went inside, he saw that same lady follow him back in and get behind the counter to go to work. He pleaded under his breath, please wash your hands over and over
to his joy. The lady walked to the sink and turned the water on, but his chagrin, she just squished her hands under the water and turned it right back off. Didn’t use soap, didn’t dry them. Nothing. She calmly looked at him and stated, Sorry, we don’t have any tomatoes today. The truck hasn’t delivered any this week. It’s just as cool as could be. My husband used that as his out. And he told her, he changed his mind. There was no way he could enjoy a sandwich without those tomatoes. Oh man. And we were so disgusted by
that and I was so proud he didn’t feel social anxiety just to get a sandwich because his anxiety is that real. So here’s a PSA to all the sandwich artisans, quote unquote. At least pretend to be clean when you’re preparing to make us food. Lie to me. My mind doesn’t want to know what you guys are doing when you don’t follow the rules. Maureen with our LBB.
1 of the many tools of the devil.
Sometimes people ask, what does LB mean? It means living, breathing, butt head. And it’s someone that just exists to be that. And that’s this lady from Florida today that didn’t have enough tomatoes.
And you know what? I love that Maureen’s husband, you know, use that as an out because I was kind of in his feet, in his shoes there. And I’m thinking, what would I have done? And like, that would have been perfect. That would have been like the heavens opening up and angels just giving me an opportunity to say, Oh, you’ve got an out
my friend. You don’t have tomatoes? Oh my God. Just throw your hands up. Just traumatize it.
That’s what I came here for. I mean, nothing personal.
I don’t want tomato sandwich. I know you can’t handle it.
It’s not your fault,
but man,
what’s the deal with those tomatoes?
Yeah. Okay. Well, I’m just going
to let you get back out there to your break.
I’m so sorry
to have intruded on you. Here, I’m going to leave you a tip because I feel terrible because That’s what I would do.
You would wouldn’t you?
Probably gonna dip you how much do I dip you on doing nothing? Is that yeah 20% or 30?
I’m just not sure.
Well, you know 20. I 100%
Just just give her some soap and say here’s a tip wash your freaking hands lady
or put some dang gloves on Oh I said dang just in case anybody misheard. Oh, yeah, I didn’t I didn’t swear
Sure sure you didn’t John What was that? What did you just say? Oh my show anyway, oh Man This is called Crapper Catastrophe from Zeke. Where do these people get their names from?
Zeke? Yeah. Probably their parents.
I bet it’s Ezekiel. Okay. First of all, right? Ezekiel? Yeah. Sure. And he just sounds short
for Zeke.
Because Zeke sounds like he’s from Arkansas. You know, that’s the parents. I’m just thinking what generation names are kids Zeke?
Zeke. Maybe like that kind of sounds like 1 of those Pennsylvania Dutch names.
It does. It also could double as a Christian person’s name, you know, because my mom, My mom really went for that after she got saved. Like I was James by accident because my stepdad’s or my great grandfather’s name was James. And then my sister Leanne, I don’t know where she got that from. Amy was from Little Women. And then she got Jesus and had 2 kids with my stepdad and they were James and John, and they were brothers. They were closer than brothers. They were the brothers, James and John, they were best friends. We’re talking about
King David. Sons of David. Zebedee. Yeah, well, no, no, no, not the disciples. We’re talking about David and Jonathan. Oh, David and Jonathan. I said John, cause that’s what they call
him now. You did say James and John.
Oh my bad. My bad.
That’s that’s you and me. I’m like way to say I’m
we’re the we’re the brothers of thunder. It’s just a different kind of thunder. Can you play that thunder again? There you go. That kind of thunder. Okay. All right. We gave John a fart button y’all. Yeah, don’t make us regret it 1 day
Your computer doesn’t work, but mine does
1 day I was on a trip. Oh, no, no, no. Sorry. Love the show. Really hope you guys continue soon. Okay, we did. I’m 14. This happened last year, so I can qualify as middle school drama. Okay.
Dang it! Move out of the way, stupid.
I can’t wait for the next episode. 1 day I was on a trip with my dad when we stopped at a gas station for, you guessed it, gas. Oh, we’re kind. I was going to guess a snack or something. You know, this sounds a lot like the last story. I was a 14 year old With something to do with finding a bathroom. But anyway, my dad was no they’re stopping for snacks in bathrooms My
that’s right.
My dad was pumping the gas while I went to take a poo-poo He said I said that to make John laugh Predictable dude, how do you like How do you like that?
I’m embarrassed now.
A 14 year old just makes you giggle.
He said poo poo. I mean, he says that.
A guy named Zeke that wants to make you laugh. I went in, I asked the clerk where the bathroom was and headed out on my adventure. I rounded the corner for the bathroom, it entered. That’s when the crap hits the fan. James, you can edit that out if it’s not a pro pro. The only stall it had was under maintenance. It had a sign outside and the door was locked because I checked it anyway. I was not about to take a crap in the urinal. Though apparently that crossed his mind. So in my middle school brain,
I think, why don’t I just crawl in, take a dump and leave? No 1 will notice. So I did what my middle school brain instructed. I got on my back and I slid feet first. I never would have thought about this, but he said he went on his back to keep his face off the floor. Oh, I’ve crawled under there as a child, but I always went normally. You know, I never scooted on my back. I wasn’t trying to clean the floor with my shirt.
Oh, and he’s in a gas station bathroom.
Yeah. So not not imagine what kind
of germs he just rolled around
in the very essence of middle school drama. So he’s on his back slid to minimize floor contact. As soon as my head cleared the door. I look up at a dude on the crapper. Oh Can you imagine that view Underwear stretched like a hammock between 2 ankles pair of combat boots, you know them Hairy legs He may be looking at his phone. I don’t know. Hey, get out of here. He didn’t have to tell me twice before he could raise his boot to me. I freaking did the lowest limbo slide straight back out from 1 of
that door. And then sprinted back to my dad’s car and we drove away and none of my family knows this and I hope to keep it this way. Hope this makes it on the show. Zeke, PS, I am safe, by the way, with my secret because no 1 in my family will ever listen to this show no matter how hard I try. PPS, I still have to take a crap. Or should he say poo poo?
All right. Well, here’s a couple of things. First of all, Zeke, I wouldn’t be worried about your family finding out. It’s the dude that was sitting on the toilet.
He’s going to find you.
He
listens to the show.
And he’s going to be sending something in next week about how he was just having a peaceful moment on the can and he sees this little kid
sliding up underneath him. And he was already nervous because he was breaking the rules. He was using a crapped up toilet and then this kid apparently had the same idea I did. Slid himself under there like he was working under a truck.
That’s so gross.
He’s working on the undercarriage. Luckily, my undercarriage was on a potty.
How big was that stall?
If it was only 1, it was handicap size.
You’re a good, good point. So Zeke had a little bit of room to wiggle up underneath.
Yeah. And not- Get out of here. And not immediately see, you know? Like the legs weren’t obvious.
So. Yeah, yeah. You see, in my brain, I’m picturing this dark and dingy bathroom. Yeah. And It’s got way too many puddles than any bathroom should. And like some of the lights are kind of flickering. And that’s why the dude on the can couldn’t actually see Zeke crawling up underneath there.
Yeah. Well, you don’t talk at first. When you see a child’s head appear underneath a door, your first reaction is not, hey, it’s, I can’t believe I’m seeing that. And that goes on silently in your brain for a full second and a half. And then your next thing is based on the age of the kid, it’s you either scream at the kid or you scream to whoever should be in charge of that kid. Hey, did you break a jar earlier? Yeah. Is your dad’s name Alex? Who are you? Oh man. This is called Dining Dilemma. Ashley
Kay from Utah.
All right. Utah.
When I was about 14, what is it with 14 year olds this week?
It’s just the 14 show.
Oh, when I was about 14 years old, my best friend and I would go to the movies and have lunch on some weekends. And 1 weekend we decided to try something a little more grown up than usual, fast food. Before the movie, we chose a sit down Italian restaurant close to the movie theater. Fancy schmancy.
Fancy. Was it? What’s the name of that place where they grow the art of the olives in the garden?
I don’t know. Anyway, we chose to sit down. I felt a little out of place going without an adult, but I told myself it’d be perfectly fine. When we were seated, I was getting more and more self-conscious, but I tried to ignore it. I was also very uncomfortable physically. My chair was very hard. It was digging into my skin painfully. And I had to constantly shift to try to get comfortable. All the while I’m getting side-eyed from all the strangers around me. So when we had paid the bill after much confusion about how you’re supposed to
tip, I finally stood up and looked at my terrible uncomfortable seat on the chair, where I’d been squirming around for the last 30 minutes or more. I saw a big round black object. I stared at it blankly until a light bulb finally went off in my 14 year old brain. It was, it looked exactly like the serving trays the waiters were using to serve dinners. The entire time I was trying to enjoy my Italian cuisine and act like an adult, I was sitting on an extremely large obvious tray, a tray that other customers could see sticking
out from under me the whole time.
Oh my goodness.
I’m sure I turned the color of tomato sauce as I quickly shoved the chair in and left the restaurant while not making eye contact with anyone. My friend never said anything. So I just kept the embarrassment to myself. And ever since then, I have tried to be as unaware of my surroundings. Wait, wait a minute. That’s not the lesson. Ever since then, I have tried not to be as unaware of my surroundings and where I sit. Hope it makes it on the show. Ashley K from Utah. Goodness Christ.
Ashley learned a valuable lesson that day. Always be aware of your surroundings.
Don’t trust the busboy.
So, oh yeah. Why didn’t the waiter or waitress say, hey, you’re sitting on the serving frame.
You’re going
to have to clean that anyways.
When you imagine it’s sliding down the chair
and you
had to squirm your way back up and pinching your legs and stuff. But you’re trying to be cool, right? You’re trying to be grown up. Maybe this is the way grownups have, why they’re so crappy to the servers, you know?
Now I got a question. Was, so like when you go to like the Olive Garden or whatever.
Oh, that’s the name.
Yeah. Yeah. They have the tray and they set it down on like 1 of those collapsible foldable things.
Yeah. Like a trivet thing. I don’t even know.
Yeah. It’s like a little legs and then they set the tray. I wonder if that’s what she was sitting on. She’s like sitting up really high on the. I feel like I’m sitting on the table.
I feel like I’m still in a high chair. I’m 14.
Somebody leave the tray on a chair.
I think they left it on a chair, dude.
See, that’s actually Kay. You need to go back to that restaurant. And you need to tell them that you had a bad experience because somebody left that tray on your chair.
Or just go ahead and ask them for the booster seat if you still need it. Dad gum.
Okay.
You know, if you need to sit on plastic that bad.
Dude, I loved the booster seat growing up. I sat in that thing way too long. Really? It was the best.
I hated them. I was the oldest man. I wanted to get the thing as quick as possible. It had 2 settings, you know? Yeah. Yeah. You flip it over.
Yeah. But it was like a hug for your butt.
No, I mean, I lived in Jacksonville. If we wanted to boost, we got the yellow pages out, dude.
Yeah. I, I’ve said, I remember sitting on kids these days don’t even know what a phone book is.
No, I was
about to say
the Yellow Pages means nothing to most of our audience. Middle school, high Yellow Pages was the business directory for the phone book. It was a book of phone numbers.
And the larger the city,
the bigger your pages. Yeah. So you’d go to a small town and you’d say, Hey, bring me the yellow pages to try to boost your kid. And they’d bring you this thing is like an inch thick.
Yeah. You’re like, I’m going to need a few of those.
I need a dozen or more.
And they would have them. You’d just come home
and they would be on your front porch. And if it rained, they would be 300 pounds and sopping wet.
Oh, man. Those were the days. Those were the good old days, kids.
Yeah.
Get off my lawn.
You know, I realized the other day that kids don’t know what the icon on the save button means. Oh yeah, yeah. Because it’s a freaking disc.
It’s a
3×5, 1.2 megabyte hard disc. Megabyte? Yeah. 1.2 megabytes. Did you
get megabytes on a floppy?
3.5 inch floppy? 5, 1.2 megabyte
hard disk or a megabyte. Yeah. 1.2 megabytes on a
floppy, 3 and a half inch floppy.
I’m talking about the, the, the, Not the big ones. I’m talking about the smaller ones that were plastic. Yeah, those were 3.5. Really? I thought they were 1.2 megabytes. 1.3. No, I
don’t know how much space. I thought it was…
I know it took 7 of them to load windows. Megabytes.
I’m going to have to Google that because I don’t even remember. But you had the 5 and a quarter inch ones that were huge and that had the exposed window for the floppy. And then we still called the smaller disk floppies. But good grief. Are we starting a new podcast here with talking about crap? Retro news.
This is from Dan from Williamsport. It’s called Rabbit Rec. It’s our last story. We have 2 dogs, a golden lab and a black lab. And I pretty much have the same feeling about dogs as you do, James. I don’t hate dogs, but I really don’t like them either. The golden lab is dumb and the black lab is even dumber than that 1. So anyway, we have a doggy door in our back screen door that is too small for the dogs to fit through. It came with the house when we bought it. So when they want to
come in, they’ll stick their head through and stare at us waiting to let them in.
Hey, let
me in please. Okay, I’m kinda in, but I’d like the rest of me to join me. Yeah. Can we get the rest of me in as soon
as possible, please? Thank you. Anyway, I saw a dead rabbit when I went and opened the door that the black lab had just killed. Just great, just great. I let her in the door, closed the door. I went to get my shoes on so I could go around and get the poor bunny. I went out the front door and around back. And when I got to where the rabbit was, it was gone. Oh no. So I’m like, holy crap. I thought maybe it got up. I thought it had been dead considering some of its insides were
on the outside, but maybe, maybe I was wrong. I was perplexed. If it was still alive, it was probably suffering. So I started looking around the area to put it out of its misery, but it was nowhere to be found. So I gave up and I walked in the back and all I could see was blood everywhere. The stupid dog had stuck its head back through the dog door, snatched the rabbit and dragged it into the house while I was getting my shoes on and going around the house. Thank God we have hardwood floors and no
carpet. In conclusion, if anybody out there is interested in purchasing a black lab, please call 1-800-DUMBDOG. Again, that number is 1-800-DUMBDOG. Call now and I’ll throw in a golden lab for free now. Hope this makes it on the show. Dan from Williamsport.
Go pick him up at Williamsport.
Comes with a free rabbit skin cap. Oh, dang. That’s a deal you can’t say no to right there.
I’ll tell you what, that’s some pure quality dogs catching rabbits and making hats.
So terrible. That’s why I hate dogs, man. At least my stupid tiny dogs are too tiny to catch rabbits.
That story reminded me. Remember the story that somebody said a while back? Where the dog went out and dug up the old.
Yeah, his predecessor.
Running around the house like a foot in my mouth.
I need to remove fire to show that.
Yeah, it was, oh, what was the dumb dog’s name? Challenger was the dog’s name. The new dog was Challenger. He went out in the backyard and dug up his predecessor and brought part of it into the house.
I just wanted to be in the house with us. That’s all.
So they dug a deeper hole.
That 1 needs to be on our best of.
Yes.
That’s a good 1.
Yes. Yes, I agree.
All right. I have
to find it first.
We got a few announcements. First of all, we raised the money for the podcast machine. Thank you so much, everybody. You guys are so awesome. Thanks to our patrons who jumped in first the people that subscribed to us on to our mailing list The folks who gave through social media. And lastly, the folks that heard about it on the show. Thank you so much. We have purchased the parts for our new machine. We need it so badly and hopefully it’ll last another 8 years. What was that sound, John? Were you slurping? Were you freaking slurping on
my podcast?
I didn’t mean to. It got to the end of the bottom of my drink before it realized it. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. We’re nothing if not professionals. Stickers, Keychains and hats are now available on our Etsy store, etsy.com slash nlcast or just go to nlcast and click on merch, you know? Merch. Yeah, stickers, keychains and hats. They are good keychains too. I use mine every day. It does not, It’s not a cheap crap that falls apart. Cause I bought some of those. I bought them and I won’t even mention the name of the place cause I love them for stickers, but I bought their key chains and their key chains are crap. And I had it in
my pocket and it fell apart. And I was like, I told them about it. They said, let us send you 10 more for free. I said, I don’t know why, but okay. And those were crap too. So it’s just, so I got some that I got for originally for Narthex con and now they’re available on the Etsy store.
So I have 1 too, cause I was at an Arthex Con.
There you go, there you go. So we need a list of your favorite stories. We are trying to put together a best of episode or 2. So send your favorite story in jamesnlcast.com and just do that. Just do that quickly. Also, we’re announcing a theme show November 21st. November 21st, just a couple of weeks, few weeks away. It’s the wedding theme show. So we want your wedding stories. We want good ones. We want bad ones. We want Ones that made you cry made you laugh embarrassing relatives Yes, it went wrong. I have a laundry list of
things that went wrong at my wedding and I was hardly even a part of it. I just showed up in a suit. So, hashtag wedding, please, on your submissions at thatstorieshow.com. November 21st is the date that we are gonna do the show. So you need to get it in well before that, but make sure you put hashtag wedding in your submissions. That way we can filter them out and use them at the right time. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad-free listening swag and a weekly bonus podcast called
Stuff That Didn’t Fit on the Show. Try it out free for 7 days today at support.thatstorieshow.com. And thanks Mary-Krist and San Shen for signing up this week. Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynan. Guys, it’s time for us to get out of here. You have a funny life story that you’d like featured in a future episode, submit your story at thatstorieshow.com where you can type it or talk it while you’re there. Join our mailing list for the latest updates and take a moment and leave a review on iTunes or Spotify. We
love it so much when you do. And remember when something weird, annoying, embarrassing or painful happens, you don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed, just think, hey, you could be sitting on a freaking tray right now this belongs on that story show all right every verse has a different rhyme I was 14 and I wanted to eat somewhere fancy where I could sit in a seat. Wasn’t comfy. People were staring and they didn’t tell me that they sat me on a chair with a tray. Well, I was 14 and I needed to go. I ran to the
restroom, but it was closed. I figured I would just slip in, slip 1, and be gone. But the view from the floor told me it couldn’t be done. If you lasso a shelf and put it, here’s the deal. It starts to topple over and you might get killed. But I managed to revival just some bruises and bumps. I got pelted with some books that were covered in dust 2 large dogs and 1 tiny door I let 1 in and saw a rabbit full of rabbit gore and when I went to clean it up It wasn’t there
anymore because my stupid black lab uses stupid doggy door.
Nice
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