In this raw episode, host James Kennison returns to Gospel of Kennison on Labor Day 2025, sharing his ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. He opens up about how these struggles have impacted his podcasting, work, and creativity, likening depression to riding a roller coaster during a crisis. James reflects on his transformative summer vacation in San Francisco and Yosemite, where post-bariatric surgery weight loss enabled him to conquer challenging hikes. He discusses transitioning to part-time work to cope, the support from his bosses, and his internal conflict about self-worth. Lighter moments include jumping car batteries for strangers and family updates. Inspired by a Margaret Thatcher quote, James vows to keep fighting because sometimes you’ve got to fight a battle more than once.
Warning: Discussions of depression and anxiety.
Full Transcript:
Hi folks, welcome to the Gospel of Kennison episode 233 brought to you the week of September 1st, 2025. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison. This is my audio journal.
So it’s been a while and I apologize for that. Um, it would have been longer and further, but I felt like doing this today. And so because my depression changes moment by moment. I figured in this moment, I felt like recording.
So I might as well, might as well jump in, you know, and do it. So I had prepared the notes. a while back, a couple, couple of days back, I guess. And I, I intended to record, you know, on like Thursday of last week.
But, uh, by the time I got home, the moment had passed and I wasn’t able to. So in case you don’t know, You’re new to the show. I am James and I am 52 cause I had a birthday since the last episode. And I struggle with major depressive disorder and major depressive and major anxiety disorder.
And I have, um, since my late thirties and I, Um, had a rebound about two years ago where it let go of me and I got my head above water and I began trying to reenter society, getting jobs and stuff like that. And I don’t know, maybe two or three months ago. the bottom dropped out again and I have been, I’ve been in bad shape again. So this is me coming back and explaining what’s been going on and what life has been like.
Cause it, it’s been different this time. Um, overall I haven’t been able to podcast or do anything creative. It has drastically altered my job, um, and my mood and my personality. But there have been moments of respite where I’ve been able to function and Yeah, so let’s go into it The first thing I want to mention is we went to a trip our summer vacation was to California we went to San Francisco and Yosemite and This was the
first time I had done a vacation then Again, if you’re new to the show, I was 316, 318 pounds, somewhere in like that. And I had bariatric sleeve surgery and I was supposed to get down to 240 and I got down to 170, which is where I’m at now. It’s been over a year. and I’m maintaining my weight and stuff like that.
So this was my first time doing hiking and physical exertion stuff on a vacation, just to give you some context. We’d gone to Mexico a couple of years ago and I was at my full weight and it was maybe a half a mile of walking between our condo and the city, you know, the little small town that we were staying in for the restaurants and stuff like that. And I could not walk that whole distance without my back hurting so bad. Um, so they got me, they rented me a bicycle and it was a terrible bike, but it was better than walking.
And I was able to, you know, when I say I wasn’t able to walk, I was able to walk, but I would have to sit down and rest a couple, couple, three times to get where I was going. And, It’s hard to remember what I felt like at that point. You know, I, you feel like a loser cause my kids are skinny as rails and my wife has maintained her weight and figure since we were married and you know, here I am the fat guy. So that was rough.
Um, so we go to San Francisco and what are we doing? We’re walking up hills everywhere. We’re walking everywhere we go. We went to Chinatown, we went to the wharf, and we saw the walruses, and we had Chinese food, and we went to different museums, and we just had a day of walking.
I walked miles, miles, never tired, never winded. It was amazing. Then we got to Yosemite, And there was a lot of hiking that we had planned, you know, beautiful, gorgeous place. You know, if you get a chance to go, you should go wonderful waterfalls.
Uh, just every, you can’t take a bad picture there. Everything is gorgeous, but we did this hike the first day and I don’t know how many I don’t remember all the specs, but let’s just say that my watch told me that I climbed the equivalent of 150 flights of stairs on that first hike. It was thousands of feet vertically and only a few, like a mile and a half long, but it took several hours. And I have lost a ton of weight.
And I was able to do it, but stair climbing is not something I’ve trained for, you know, and that’s really what it was, was just a series of, of shelves. You know, I wouldn’t call them steps, but they were just shelves of rock that you would walk up and then step up and then walk a little bit and step up and walk a little bit. And, you know, far, far, far cry from, you know, any actual mountain climbing, but it was a steep, rocky, uh, ascent. And I did, uh, I had to rest.
I had to rest, uh, not a ton, but maybe four times as we were going up and I felt bad, but, uh, it was working muscles that I hadn’t worked in a long time. And I realized though I’m thin and I’m in shape, um, I’m still not strong. You know, when I lost all that weight, you do lose muscle too. So I’m, I’m good, but I’m not wired for climbing mountains, you know?
So, uh, then that was easily though. The first day was the hardest hike we did. Uh, we, but, but I made it, I made it all the way to the falls and I was proud of myself, my family was proud of me. The next day we did another hike that was very vertical.
And I made it to the top to see this waterfall called Mist Falls. And only to find out that that was about halfway. that there was another ascent that could get you to the top of the falls. And my wife was going to do it.
And I was like, I don’t want to do it. It’s the last thing in the world I want to do. But then I did it. And I’m going to tell you, that was the most treacherous part because it was just rocks and they were wet and I was afraid I was going to slip down.
And when you go up like that, you also have to consider, I got to get back down for me. I’m going to have to walk on these same slippery stones on the way down. And it kind of tortures you the whole way. But I don’t know how to turn it into a fantastic story other than to say, I made it all the way to the top.
I rested up and I beat everybody in my family. I got there first. I got there even before Jennifer. And that was with pauses for breaks.
So that was exciting. And, uh, I never want to do it again. Never. I I’ll hike, I’ll, I’ll do hills, you know, stuff like that.
But do I ever want to just do that? I lost five pounds. I was 165 pounds when we got home. Um, that was exertion, my friends.
I just never want to, I don’t want to do it again. I will take my wife. She loved it. You know, going to Yosemite was my idea.
Um, but that was too much. It was too much. I’m not a hiker. So it wasn’t long after that when we got back that depression started creeping its ugly head back in.
And I have been dealing with that off and on, mostly on and not off. Off is right now. at 7 a.m on labor day monday so that’s why i’m doing the show because my thing has always been if i can do it i will do it so that when i can it’s not that big a deal but i will tell you depression obviously took me out of podcasting which i hate i love podcasting but you have to be i have to be in the right mode i have to be in an entertaining mood um And I have to want to be funny.
I have to be able to see the positive in things. And I’ve likened depression to going on a roller coaster. Um, say you’re in line for a roller coaster. This is you without depression and you’re looking forward to it and everything’s going to be fun.
You’re looking forward to the thrills, the ups and the downs and all that stuff. It’s just going to be stellar. But then you get a phone call from a policeman and he says, you need to come to the hospital because your wife has been in an accident and she may pass away. Uh, But your friend that you’re with says, yeah, but you still need to go on this roller coaster.
And suddenly, imagine that you had to. Imagine that you were stuck. But there’s no way you would want to get on that roller coaster. There’s no way that you would want to stay.
Um, and if you were forced to get on it, every thrill, every time your heart went up in your throat, you know, and your stomach lurched and all the different things that happen on a roller coaster, it would be torture because your mind would be somewhere else completely. And everything that was supposed to be fun would be a delay. It would be a struggle. It would be a challenge.
It would take everything that’s fun about a roller coaster and make it torture. And that’s the closest I can get to explaining what my depression does to me. It makes podcasting seem like a demanding thing, something that I have to do. And it turns it into a reminder that I’m a failure.
Isn’t that weird? Something I love so much, but I can’t do. So my brain and my depression says, look at you, you’re not, you’re not functional. You can’t even do your hobby.
And so, uh, it’s been really bad this time. The anxiety, the depression has been the worst it’s been in maybe 10 years and it has, uh, changed my job. Um, for those that don’t know, again, I, I work at a, I worked at a company that manufactures and sells screen printing equipment and digital printing equipment. And I do their website and I do videos and stuff like that.
Well, I did. I was doing so bad at work that I just texted or emailed my boss and said, I need to take a week and a half off. Cause I was thinking about quitting. I was just thinking about quitting.
I wanted to quit so bad because everything was stressful about the job. Everything was horrible. Like I said, it takes everything great. And I loved my job, absolutely loved it.
But then, you know, the depression hit and everything’s horrible now. And I didn’t want to do videos. I couldn’t do videos. And I was getting more and more videos added onto my plate.
You know, we need a product review for this. We need this and this and this. And I just couldn’t do it. And so I said, I need a week and a half off because I was wanting to quit.
I talked to my wife, I talked to my daughter and they both said, don’t quit. Which was kind of frustrating because I knew they would say that. But when my daughter said it, I was like, okay, it’s not just Jen. Jenna sees the value in staying around too.
So I managed to get a week and a half off. And that was really good because it was, you know, the anxiety lifted and I was able to think a little straighter. I still depressed. I still didn’t like my free time.
You know, that’s the thing. You get off work and normally you’d be like, ah, now it’s time to relax. But when you’re depressed, you can’t enjoy anything. You get no, uh, nothing.
You get nothing out of anything that’s good. So video games, movies, books, um, spare time, nothing but sleep, sleep evades me though. Recently, um, during the day, I can’t sleep during the day. I can nap for like a 45 minute period, but that’s, that’s it.
So I used to sleep a lot when I was depressed because it was like taking drugs. You know, you could just, Go into another state of being and then come back out and you know of course drugs are bad and sleep is not horrible but. I took a week and a half off and i started thinking ok it’s getting time to go back what how am i gonna be able to manage it. And so I emailed my boss with much trepidation.
I said, in order for me to keep my job, I’m going to have to go part-time. Um, I’m going to have to quit videos and, uh, any kind of social media stuff. And I’m going to need to go, uh, but I’ll take a pay cut. I’ll, I’ll take a pay cut to what you were paying me when I first started.
And I was only doing, um, you know, uh, the website updates. And he said, okay. And that was huge because, uh, when I was younger and I was working in Florida at a church, uh, when depression really, really started hitting, I had asked my pastor if I could go part time. And that meant for me that I would still do services.
but I would not have to keep office hours. And so I would do my work at home and come in for staff meetings and stuff. And it was a temporary thing. I just, you know, I didn’t know that depression was going to last a better part of 10 to 13 years.
Uh, so I just needed to get my head squared away. And he went to the board and the board said, no, And come to find out all these years later, what they did was illegal. You’re supposed to be able to make reasonable accommodations for people with disabilities. And that was me.
But I don’t care. They were just mean. Beyond being illegal, that was just mean. It was mean.
It was very mean. So I quit. I quit that job. And it really hurt.
It hurt bad. And it still affects me to this day that I feel like I am not worth anything if I am not able to perform because I wasn’t able to perform for them. And because of that, I had no value. So, uh, I feel like even at this job that Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.
The point is, though, is they said, sure. And that was huge. Absolutely huge. And so that’s where I’m at right now.
It’s been just over a month and I’ve been working part-time. I go in every day, uh, or every weekend from eight to 12. And I’m telling you, getting off at 12 is perfect. That morning just flies by.
And it’s great because I still have a schedule. So when I’m depressed, it’s very easy for me to just lose my schedule and go to bed late, wake up late. you know, and just kind of muddle through a day and have no structure. Uh, you know, sometimes, uh, I won’t even shower in, in a day because there’s just no reason I’m not going out or anything.
And I’m just a loser bum hates myself and showers aren’t fun. They don’t feel good. They’re just a chore. So, uh, self-care is the first thing that goes really when you’re, uh, when you’re depressed.
So it’s not, it’s not that gross. I mean, it’s gross, but it’s not super uncommon. Um, But no, I, I get up in the morning, you know, I have my breakfast and I go to go to work and I put in half a day and I leave and it’s been working really well. And, uh, the only thing is my boss really wants me to get back to normal.
And it was very, it came across very nice at first. Uh, And he’s a very nice guy. So it’s not going to get bad. It’s just going to get bad from my perspective.
But the first thing he says is, um, you know, when you, whenever you want, you can have your full-time job back. And I was like, Oh, wow. That, um, I sure didn’t get that at the church. You know, that’s crazy.
That’s awesome. I told my wife about it. I’m like, he said, I could go back anytime. So, cause I had been thinking, I ruined it.
I ruined it because when I took the job, I took it at a certain rate, and then when I started adding responsibilities like video and social media, I got a pretty substantial raise. And then for me to go part-time and knock that raise down, it felt like a really bad failure. And so to know that I hadn’t messed it up and that it was possible for me to get back to that point is huge. I haven’t yet, but it is huge that it’s available.
Now, uh there was a little bit of a string attached to that obviously is that he meant he wanted me back doing videos again and so he asked he says i know you can’t be in the videos but can you film them and edit them and all that and i said well let me just let you know i i’m just back i don’t know if i can handle that or not i’ll get back with you and then he got back with me in a week or so and said you know um You don’t have to do this, but I’d really like you to. I really want you to.
I really want you to. And so I wrote resignation letter it basically said that You know, I don’t want to quit but I can’t do what you want me to do. You deserve someone that can I realize you’re not a charity So, you know, I and I’m not taking advantage. I just can’t do anything more than what I’m doing now and then he and he The president or what?
Yeah, I have two bosses. One of them is my real boss. And another one is, um, he’s going to retire shortly, but he’s still there. And, uh, they called me into the office very uncomfortable, obviously, but there were nothing but nice.
And they said, you know, we’re in this for the long haul. We believe in you. We think you’re awesome. Uh, you’re, you’re very talented.
You’re very intellectual, blah, blah, blah. Um, And just just blessed me, you know, with tons of acceptance and dare I say love and appreciation. And said, you know, we’ll work with you and do what we need, you know, you need us to do. And that was great.
That was awesome. But earlier when I said I was getting ahead of myself, here’s where it fits back in, is I have decided in my head that they only value me that much because of what I can do for them. That’s how depression works, is it twists everything good and turns it into something bad. And since he said the phrase, we’re in it for the long haul, That means, in my twisted mind, that he is expecting me to be full on eventually.
You know what I’m saying? Long haul. So they’ll put up with this, and they’ll deal with me, but the deal is I have to be back to normal eventually. And my thing is, what if I never go back to normal?
What if I can’t, and even if I do, I don’t want to do videos? What if I never want to do that again? Maybe my brain has blamed the depression on the videos. I won’t know till I get there.
Maybe I will decide I don’t want to put on any more responsibilities because I don’t want to have to let people down again. You know, what do I do? Take my full job back, get my paycheck back. And then six months to a year later, just go back to part-time and take another pay cut again.
I don’t want to, I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be like that, but that’s, that’s what I worry about. That’s what I stress about. That’s where my anxiety comes in, I guess.
So again, just to restate it, you’ve heard my story. I am accepted. I am cared for, dare I say, loved at work. Um, it’s still a stress for me, but I get off at noon every day and it never gets old.
It’s always awesome to walk away and to get, to come home. I get to run errands, you know, get oil changes, go to Costco, pick up stuff for my wife. Um, It is nice. I get haircuts, you know, uh, so, so, so it’s good stuff.
It’s, it’s good. It’s a good thing. And I don’t know that I’ll ever want to give it up. Now the pay is not as good.
Obviously I took a pay cut and I’m getting part-time wages. I’m not getting paid holidays anymore. Uh, I don’t, I don’t get PTO, but I’m, I’m, I’m, I’m happy with that part at least. you know, within reason, obviously.
So, um, narthex 0.5 happened in outside of Atlanta in Sharpsburg, I think is what it was called me and John and about 35, maybe other, other people came together. And we did it, man. We did a live show, and it was a lot of fun. And we went out to eat afterwards.
There was lots of great points in the episode that was great. When I got home, I was so depressed, though, that I couldn’t put out the show. And yesterday, I felt like it, so I edited it. And I put it up and the bonus contents on Patreon.
And so people have already responded, you know, Hey, glad you felt you obviously feel good enough to put out the show. Thanks for doing that. You know, we’re pulling for you, that kind of stuff. And it’s been really great.
We’ve, we’ve taken a break from podcasting and we tried to make it seem like it was on purpose. So we took a break till September, but September is here. And I still don’t feel it. I barely feel this.
So we are, we are on hiatus still. I don’t, I don’t, at one point I wanted to quit the show altogether and just go ahead and put it to bed. Um, because I’m tired of the way I am tired of being hit and miss. And I at one point never saw myself getting back to normal, but now I’m at the point where I don’t want to stop it, but I do want to do it, but I just can’t, can’t yet.
Can’t. I wish I could explain it, but it’s that, it’s that rollercoaster thing. You know, I’m just not feeling good, not feeling like being funny or silly or even stupid. Just feel gross.
But Narthex 0.5 was great. It was a good experience. I think people had a good time. I got to shake hands, hug necks with a lot of people that I only knew from a username or a story they’d submitted.
A lot of people drove a long way to come out and visit us and we gave away a bunch of stuff. It was just, it was a lot of fun. Let me talk briefly about my disciplines. That’s something that’s been a big topic in a lot of my past episodes, and I’m just gonna say I’m not doing any of them right now.
I was walking 30 minutes a day, I was praying and reading, and all of that has fallen by the wayside for now. Every now and then I’ll read two chapters. Every now and then I’ll bust out a prayer. But as far as working it in to my daily routine, I’m not.
And that’s terrible. It’s terrible. But it is what it is. I watch a lot of YouTube and it’s an escape.
I’ll just admit it. I mean, it’s a way for me to escape. Sleeping is one of them and keeping my mind busy is another. So in the car, I listen to audio books.
When I’m home, I watch videos. I try to play video games, but I have no joy in that. I watch a lot of YouTube shorts. And when I sleep, I play SCP videos in my ears, sleep with an eye mask that has headphones built in.
And so that keeps me from thinking too much at night, because at night, all the bad thoughts like to come and keep me awake. So I’m like inundated with media all the time. And, uh, it’s not great. So I’m trying to trying to wean myself off at least sitting down and watching videos on my phone.
Cause that’s what got me editing video or the audio from the show yesterday as I sat there and I turned off my phone and I sat there and sat there bored. And I was like, is there anything I could do that would be, you know, fill up some time and make the podcast? So I did. So, yay.
So another thing I did, and this was earlier than Yosemite, it was when the depression first started to creep in as I quit children’s ministry. I would like to say that was a sad thing, but it really wasn’t. I enjoyed it, but I didn’t like the way it was structured, set up. There was a children’s pastor in charge that never did any actual ministry.
And she was a token children’s pastor, and the lady that was doing all the children’s ministry was unpaid, and she was doing everything. And you’re like, what? Shouldn’t that be the children’s pastor’s job? Yes.
Yes, absolutely. When I was a children’s pastor, I never passed that off on other people unless I was on vacation or sick. It was my job to bring the Word of God to the kids. And when my people needed stuff, it was my job to get it.
And there were several things that were wrong in the service. Like, you know, the microphone would go wrong, or one of the video games would quit working. And I would tell the children’s pastor lady, and she would just kind of laugh it off, and it wouldn’t be fixed for a month. Nothing would ever change.
And it’s like, what do you do all week? You know. If I were in her shoes, my number one job would be to make sure that my people, who are doing it for free, would have the tools they need to do it successfully. And so that put a bad taste in my mouth when that wasn’t happening.
And then I saw the work that the Children’s Pastoral Lady was doing. She was doing all of it. She was putting together the curriculum. She was putting together the games, or I was doing games.
I also was the only person that was in there every month or every week of the month and I saw a lot of kids that were misbehaving and I saw a lot of teachers that weren’t reading or preparing in advance. And so it really was a struggle to be a part of. And I thought, you know, I can’t leave because the children’s pastor lady is so put upon already and I’m helping her. I’m helping her not have to do games.
I’m helping her to fill in blanks when people don’t show up. But it was really troubling me the way it was structured, that this children’s pastor lady was just kind of bouncing around on Sunday, shaking hands and hugging necks, and not having to do anything. But yet, this unpaid volunteer was struggling with her family and having to get all this stuff done. But I realized, you know, first of all depression made it impossible, but I realized too That it wasn’t my job to save the situation It it was the pastor’s and that children’s pastor’s job so I stepped in and stepped down And I did not feel bad For the
first time in a long time. It was a good decision. It was the right thing to do for me And it was great because right after that, things really, really took a dive and I would have had to quit in a stupid way instead of, you know, with my brain on straight. Weight-wise, I’ve been maintaining.
It fluctuates a couple of pounds every day. If I weigh myself in the morning, I’m 170, 170.5, 171. If I weigh myself in the afternoon when I’ve had meals and drinks and stuff, it goes between 172 to 173.5, 174 is the highest it’s gone. But I hover right there between 170, 171.
And it’s been good. It’s been good. I am very aware. Even in my depressed times, I’m staying on top of things.
I’m not eating too much. I’m drinking enough, trying to get plenty of fiber and protein and nutrition out of my food. I’m not eating junk. Lots of chicken and steak and I love broccoli.
And I love asparagus. And, you know, fruits, apples fill you up really good. Lots of water. And, uh, I I’ve been drinking caffeine medicinally and it helps, especially at work.
I drink it right before I go to work and I can actually face people and be nice. Not that I’m mean, but. When I’m really, really bad, I can’t even pull my eyes up from the screen to greet people. Like, I can’t fake being happy enough to say good morning to someone.
So the caffeine helps me to have the energy to at least be polite, which is, you know, if I couldn’t be polite, I wouldn’t want to go in. Like, I would quit. So this is helping me quite a bit. there was a point that I was drinking too many caffeinated drinks.
And so I went off of them, uh, or I want to say two weeks. And then I started back up at a lower, you know, just controlling my intake, you know, and I had the headaches and the whole thing, but I was like, I don’t want to be addicted to this stuff. And I kind of had become overly reliant on it and didn’t like that. So I don’t know.
I, it’s just a thing for me. Um, so as far as weekly updates go, I always like to try to bring you something from recent. Uh, I got in my truck the other morning and it just wouldn’t turn over. And so I grabbed my son’s jumper cables Well, first of all, I went to work.
I went to work in my wife’s car because I figured the battery was dead, but I didn’t know for sure. So we jumped my truck. It was a Wednesday night and we went on a date and I thought, what if this truck won’t start back up? So I backed into a parking spot so that the battery would be facing outward and we went in and ate and sure enough, we came back out.
The car wouldn’t turn over. It was the battery, obviously. But i had the i had the jumper cables and man there was a millennial millennial a boomer. Is right there and he my wife had mentioned like as soon as you turn over the car he stopped and started looking i think he wants to help.
And so i went up to him i’m like hey sir how you doing you know he’s like battery dead i’m like yeah. Can you give me a jump? He’s like, yeah, have you got cables? I said, I do.
And man, he was so happy. There is nothing happier in the world than a boomer that has some way of assisting you. They love it. They love to help.
They love to be of use. And so he did. He pulled his car up. We jumped the car.
We went straight to a parts place. I got a new battery. And we’re good. But I have jumper cables in my truck now.
So the next day, I was invited to go to lunch with one of the new bosses at work, guy that kind of stresses me out. But we went there and he drove with another co-worker and lunch was fine, whatever. I go to leave and I’m driving away and my co-worker calls me. He says, dude, do you have jumper cables?
And I said, actually I do. He says, my car’s dead. Can you come give me a jump? So I did.
I pulled in nose to nose. Uh, it was side of the road parking. So it was a little stressful, but we got him jumped. And, uh, soon as we were done with that, this kid comes up.
And he’s a light-skinned black kid and he says, my mom wants to know if you could do this for her. And I’m like, okay, uh, where’s, where’s the car. I need to see the car. Cause there are scams that are run all the time, you know, just every all the time.
So they said the car’s over there. I said, I tell you what, you guys start walking toward the car. I will follow you there in my car. So my thing was, if there’s a dude, um, if it’s, you know, they’re just asking for money, I can just drive away.
But no, there was a car and it was parked in dude. There were, It was diagonal parking, cars on both sides, car across from it, the whole thing. They went in and tried to ask if anybody, you know, they took some license plates and asked some of the businesses if anybody could move their car. And, um, the car was so dead that I couldn’t even get it to shift out of park into neutral to back her out.
So I could, you know, jump, jump it that way. But, uh, I just, I just stayed. Cause I was like, if this was my wife, I wouldn’t want somebody to leave her stranded. Uh, she was, you know, saying things to kind of let me off the hook.
Like, you know, you tried that kind of stuff. And, um, I can’t, I ain’t leaving. And luckily a car across the island, because it was an island concrete barrier between, pulled out. And I said, dude, to the little guy, I said, go stand over there.
And I pulled my car around and I jumped up on the island. which was a good six inches in the air, but that’s what you got a big truck for. And I was able to kind of get nose to nose, even though mine was like a foot and a half in the air. And I jumped the lady, the car works.
She’s praising Jesus. Everything was wonderful. And, uh, we got out of there. So I jumped two people in a row.
So I just wish the boomer knew that I paid it forward twice. in one day. What are the chances, you know? So anyway, that was it.
Nothing hilarious or anything. Just one of those weird, odd things, you know? Uh, family updates. Jen is working on her second year at a, uh, her job.
And, um, last year she had to do their process to get the work done for the taxes this year. She’s getting to do her product process. And though it’s a lot of work and a lot of stress, it’s a lot better. She’s working with the right people.
All the people that didn’t like the changes got into other parts of the job instead of her part. And so she’s working with people she wants to work with doing it her way and she says she’s way ahead from where they were last year jenna. I worked hard over the summer and an internship at steeple investment firm here in saint louis she’s back at college. And we went to visit and she has a very cute house and her dog is doing awesome His name is georgie and he’s he’s great.
Yeah, or she’s the best dog in the world, but she’s gonna um She’s been working at this restaurant and making good money, but they offered her a spot at stiefel there at in the college town And so she’s going to be working there instead. And that’s so good for her. Jay is working with kids in an aftercare program. Been doing it for a while now.
He’s running and staying fit. He drinks a lot of healthy homemade smoothies. Which uh, I would take partake of but um I think they’re just so sugary. I don’t know.
I mean, it’s it’s natural sugar, you know, it’s fruit sugar, but I would I would rather eat Real fruit rather than uh, I would probably drink too many and gain a lot of weight. So Uh, what am I watching, reading, playing, doing? I’m reading nothing, nothing worth mentioning. I have an audio book that I’m reading through, but I’m on book four in the series and it’s not even a series worth mentioning.
I’m not proud I’m reading it. It’s, it’s, it’s just, and the book four is terrible. It’s all dialogue. Nothing’s happening.
Uh, or it’s the worst. Uh, what am I watching though? I started watching alien earth. I can’t even remember what service it’s on.
It may be HBO Max. I’m not sure. But if you like Alien, the movie or that world at all, if you’ve played Alien Isolation, the video game, they do it justice. It is a it’s a good series.
It doesn’t feel like TV. It feels like you’re watching an extended movie. Uh, and it is, uh, it’s good. They’ve enhanced the world a little bit with some additional stuff, but it all pays tribute and fits well within the world.
So there you go. I’m playing video game wise. I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft, trying to connect with some of the people that play Minecraft, uh, on our shared server. If you’re a person that listens to this show and you play Minecraft or would be interested in, we do have an official server.
It’s called The Sink. And you have to be whitelisted. So just get on Discord and mention that you want to be a part of it. And I will whitelist you.
And we can get you on there. But we’ve been working together on some projects on the thing. And it keeps me busy. It keeps me distracted.
I’ve been playing a game called Satisfactory, which is a factory building first-person simulator, and it’s pretty good, but I get very stressed out. I’ve been playing the Callisto Protocol, Borderlands, Dead Space, tried a little bit of Evil West, Far Cry 6, Hardware’s Legacy, and Warhammer 40,000 Boltgun. I just kind of shift between them. None of them hold my attention very long.
None of them are very fun. So what am I doing? I’m doing nothing. I’m doing nothing.
I take out the trash. I edge the lawn. Um, you know, that, that’s it. I’m doing nothing.
And I, I can’t wait to change that. So closing thought always like to kind of recap. And I found a, uh, saying by Margaret Thatcher, she says, you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. And I’ve had a setback.
Um, and even though it feels like a failure, it’s not an outright one. I, it all depends on if I get back up or not. And I am still fighting. Um, my, my goal, even though this is the worst depression that I’ve been through, um, since I, especially since I got a job, it’s, uh, my goal is the same.
I’m not accepting depression is normal. I’m fighting it. I want to be normal. I want to be dependable.
I want to be happy. I want to be productive. And, uh, so I’m not going to accept this as normal. I’m not going to give up a matter of fact, my boss was very insightful when I talked to him and, and my other boss, he said, one of the reasons you’re so down on yourself is you have such high expectations.
And he’s right. I have very high expectations for myself, and when I don’t meet them, it actually contributes to the depression. But I don’t know how else to be. I want to maintain, I want to be miserable when I’m down, if that’s what it takes, because I don’t want to become complacent.
I don’t want to be satisfied with where I’m at. I don’t want to accept who I am. And I probably need to go to counseling about that, because if it’s not helping me, it’s hurting me, right? But I’m going to keep doing what I can when I can, and I’m going to keep my weight in check for sure, because that’s one thing that has not changed, is I am very serious about keeping my weight properly, you know, proper.
So you may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. That really clicked with me today. I thought the worst of my depression was over. I thought I had suffered enough.
That’s apparently not true. So I just have to deal with it. And thankfully, I have a job that allows me to do that. I need to focus on that as a positive instead of turning it into a negative.
This episode was brought to you by our supporting listeners on Patreon. A special thanks to Carrie Wright and Carrie Bernhardt. Join the community and become a supporting listener today. Patreon.com slash GOK.
And thank you to all my supporters who support me even when I’m not doing shows, it blows my mind, but it means the world, believe it or not. Um, let me know what you thought about this episode. You can send feedback, comments, questions, James at nlcast.com. You guys are great for everything else.
Visit gokcast.com and, uh, we’ll see you next time. God bless.