Audrey and Toby enjoy some peas as a snack, only to discover an unexpected prize inside!
James:
Hey, podcast people. Welcome back to that story show, episode 4 51, brought to the week of September 28th, 2023. I’m your host. My name is James Kinison. My good friend is here. Hey,
John:
I’m John, and that’s not important. James. You know what? I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m happy to say I’m clean now.
James:
You used to be a
John:
What? I used to be addicted to soap.
James:
You’re clean now. That’s great. That’s good. I just liked the way you paused at the wrong time during that sentence,
John:
What
James:
You did. That was a micro pause. Anyway. No, no. Let’s keep it. Let’s keep it. I like it when accidents happen.
John:
Yeah, just don’t isolate that and just play it over and
James:
Over. No, no, no, no, no.
John:
I used to be a,
James:
No, I wouldn’t do that. And also, I’ve never been tempted to log onto one of those AI voice generators and feed it audio from you, from the podcast and create a fake John. So then I could make you say whatever I want and play it on the podcast. And you could never say it wasn’t really you. I would never do that, and I’ve never been tempted. There we go. Really
John:
Kind of wish you were tempted. I’d like you hear what I would say at your best.
James:
I could make you say anything I wanted. I’m so tempted to though. I so tempted.
John:
So tempted. Oh
James:
Man. Man. Wasn’t Lionel Harris awesome last week?
John:
Yeah, he was a super cool dude.
James:
I miss him. I’ve been kind of chatting back with him this week, and he’s super grateful to have been on the show. He reposted us and all that kind of stuff, and he’s good people.
John:
Yeah, he’s a good guy. I could totally see doing that Again. I know
James:
Every time I am by myself, I feel really stupid about my dream to be a standup comedian, but then when I talk to one of those guys, I feel like these are my people. I could do. I could do this.
John:
They inspire you and give you hope, huh? Yeah.
James:
We always start with an opening story. This is called Sour Squares. It’s from Jenna. It’s a great name. I love that name. It’s my second favorite name in all the world, actually, because my daughter, Jenna from Fenwick, Ontario, she says, as a girl, my mom’s family was very frugal. For example, if she or any of her siblings didn’t finish the plate for supper, they got to eat it as a cold breakfast the next morning. Yeah, I can relate.
John:
My kids might’ve had to do that once or twice.
James:
Yeah. Yeah. Most often, this punishment was only enacted at the picky eaters of the family. My mom was not a very picky eater, so she rarely had to eat cold mashed potatoes for breakfast. However, there was one food that my mom absolutely hated. Date squares. Have you ever heard of this? Have you ever heard of this?
John:
Yeah, I think they’re delicious.
James:
Really? I had never heard of date Squares. Really? It sounds like love connection mixed with Hollywood Squares, like a 60 early seventies TV show.
John:
I’ll take Henry Winkler for the win. For the X.
James:
Exactly.
John:
We’ll go on a date later.
James:
Date Squares.
John:
Date squares.
James:
Her mom made them regularly and packed them as a snack for school lunches. Eventually my mom decided enough was enough she could not eat another Date square again. So from that day forward, every time she found a date square in her lunch bag, she put it in the bottom of her backpack. And there, there’s the doom sound kicking in right there, because if you were smart, you would’ve just thrown it away with your lunch bag. But no, kids aren’t smart, are they, John?
John:
No. Well, no. I wasn’t
James:
Like, my kids used to sneak food out of the pantry when they were little, and they would eat it in the bathroom and then throw the trash in the bathroom. Trash can where they knew the only people in the house that emptied the bathroom trash can where the parents hers, not very wise. I wonder what
John:
This little Debbie wrapper’s doing here.
James:
Yeah. These snack crackers, these little goldfish package. What’s this doing down here? Anyway, I’m sure you can imagine what the bottom of her backpack started to look like and how heavy it started to get,
John:
How sticky it was on the other side. As I recall, those are not dry things.
James:
Yeah. Prune packs, prune squares, squares, whatever. As weeks went on, eventually spring came, so time passed. Eventually it was time for the annual spring cleaning at home, walking into my mom’s room, her mom noticed an odd smell wafting from the closet. She followed her nose. She realized the atrocious smell was coming from my mom’s backpack. She opened the backpack, and that night, instead of eating supper, my mom sat at the table and choked down several months of gooey, mushy, possibly moldy. Date squares. Gosh, I want to throw up Jenna. Hope it makes it on the show. She says, Fenwick Ontario. Goodness gracious.
John:
Wow. Wow. Months old.
James:
Months old.
John:
I can’t even imagine. I can’t even imagine.
James:
So you said you like date squares?
John:
I do, but not with mold
James:
On ’em. They were mentioned in the story as being packed as a snack. Yeah. Not like a vegetable or a main course.
John:
So can you run a little dessert? I
James:
Was about say, run me through what I’m missing here. What’s the flavor and texture? What would she hate about it?
John:
Well, a date is, it’s one of those Mediterranean kind of fruits. They’re dried and you can make all sorts of great stuff out of ’em. But the way that I’ve had my envisioning of a Date Square from what my experience is, it’s likes like a cookie kind of bar. Like a cookie bar. It’s got a cookie kind of bottom, and then there’s the process date, which is like, it’s a gooey sticky
James:
Mess. It sounds horrible. I’m going to be honest. Yeah. Well,
John:
And sometimes they’ll put chopped up nuts in it and then make a cookie kind of thing, like a big cookie and then cut it into squares like you do with brownies or something. Right.
James:
Well, this was a lighter thing. Jenna’s grandmother that was enforcing this and making this, and that was definitely a sign of the times back then. I know my parents were like, you have to clean your plate.
John:
Right? Yeah.
James:
No matter what. That was a big deal.
John:
Got it. Clean. I mean, if all the efforts going into preparing that.
James:
Well, I think it was because of their parents having gone through the Depression era.
John:
Right? Yep. Don’t waste anything. Don’t waste
James:
Anything. There are people starving in China. That’s what it was. Now it’s Africa.
John:
I remember hearing that.
James:
But yeah, China, let’s do some news nuggets. We got a couple of good ones for you today. The Wienermobile is back. Hey, did you know that they even changed the name? They did. I’ve heard that. What was it that they call it? They named it the Frank Mobile.
John:
The Frank Mobile. Yeah.
James:
I’m pretty sure it was to get the word wiener out of there is my guess. But just four months after announcing the Shape or the change, the distinctive Wiener on Wheels is reverting to the original name. And that’s good because Frank Mobile may be more politically correct, but Wienermobile is a lot more fun.
John:
Yeah,
James:
A lot more fun to say. So the Wiener mobile rides, again, the name change was announced by Kraft Heinz Company in May, and it was meant to pay homage to the brands. 100% beat Frank’s and their news recipe. Yeah,
John:
Right. Okay. Yeah, sure. It’s not to get Wiener out of
James:
Name. You were trying to please the five percenters, that wine on social media. That’s what you were trying to do. So Oscar Meyer was headquartered in Wisconsin for nearly a hundred years before it moved to Chicago in 1915. I know the first Wienermobile was created in 1936, and it has gone through several iterations since then, including a naming, a renaming to the Frank Mobile that just doesn’t even roll off the tongue. Right. Frank?
John:
No. Frank Wiener. Have you ever seen it in real life? I’ve
James:
Seen it driving down the highway.
John:
I saw it in Louisville, and it was parked on the side of the road, and we got to walk by it and look at it. We didn’t get to go in it, but there’s, I don’t know, wiener people. I don’t know what they are. They’re the people that take care of it and yeah,
James:
They’re out there answering questions. I can’t know what they’re called, but it’s like dog stirs or dog drivers or something like that. It has to do with hot dogs,
John:
The wiener people. That’s
James:
Terrible. Yeah. But is frank people any better? No, we’re just going to tell you like it is. We’re very frank here, so yeah.
John:
Hey, let’s relish today and catch up tomorrow. Sorry.
James:
No, that was actually not bad. Okay, so the Phillies deny emotional support. Alligator from entering ballpark.
John:
Oh,
James:
All right. Let me just say a disclaimer. I believe in emotional support animals, although I also believe it is taken advantage of quite a bit because all you got to do if you love your dog and don’t want to crate him, is say, oh, he’s an emotional support animal. And suddenly you get to take your dog everywhere you want. And we’ve all seen people like this. There was a lady at the airport the other month, her dogs had sunglasses on, and they were emotional support animals. And I’m like, no, not if they’re wearing sunglasses. They are. It makes me happy
John:
To see him with his sunglasses on.
James:
He’s so cute. And she’s like, don’t pet him. He’s working. I’m like, working on what? It ain’t working on you because you’re mean.
John:
He’s working on his tan.
James:
So a Phillies fan and his emotional support animal, an alligator named Wally Gator were denied entrance to watch the Philadelphia host. Pittsburgh social media posts showed the gator on a leash with a harness with his name on it outside the stadium Wednesday. Wally Gator is a working emotional support alligator owned by Joe Heney of Jonestown, Pennsylvania. The reptile has a big presence on Instagram and TikTok. I bet he does. Citizen bank parks policy on support animals. His posted on the Philly’s official website. It states guide dogs service animals or service animals in training are welcome. All other animals are prohibited. I don’t see that he messed up.
John:
Yeah. Yeah. It doesn’t say anything about service alligators. I mean an
James:
Alligators animal. No, it says animals, service animals. Yeah. Hennessy spoke to Philadelphia Inquirer last year and said that wall a gator helps him battle depression and that he likes to give hugs. Henny also said that the gator has never bitten anyone, yet.
John:
He likes to give hugs with his mouth.
James:
Yeah. I will say this. How does a
John:
Gator give hugs? He’s got legs like two inches
James:
Tall. I know. I don’t know. Maybe he likes to receive them. All I’m going to say is if I am a person that struggles with depression, I have anxiety. I should get a support and freaking, why not? If James Kinison was to have an emotional support animal, it would be a freaking alligator. That would probably be the only thing that would help with my depression would be an alligator or some sort of wolverine or something like that. Something that would maybe kill me in my sleep if I wasn’t watching out for it. It’d keep me on my toes. Hepo constrictor. I don’t have time to be depressed because yeah, this thing might squeeze me to death in my sleep. I got to watch out for Slinky, the snake
John:
Slinky.
James:
And by the way, we’re going to the Chiefs game in Kansas City, and I’m bringing Stinky, slinky the snake with me.
John:
Slinky the snake.
James:
I
John:
Would think you’d want one of those helper monkeys.
James:
Yeah.
John:
Yeah. I feel like I could picture you sitting in the chair there on a Thursday night while we record with that little helper monkey sitting right over your shoulder. Yeah.
James:
And
John:
Every now channels for me.
James:
Me. Is that what they do? Do they slap?
John:
Well, have you ever seen a knight at the museum? Yes. We’ve been still, so remember that monkey and that they Yeah, the little
James:
One
John:
In
James:
Pirate of the Caribbean.
John:
Yeah. Yeah. I think it’s the same actor animal. Yeah. Well, they taught that one to slap, and it’s hilarious. But that’s the kind of monkeys that they use for helper monkeys. They actually will pick things up and carry ’em over to you and stuff like that.
James:
That’s awesome. And
John:
They could be there for emotional support,
James:
But also, if I had a dangerous support animal, it would help me lose weight because I would constantly be having to duck around and run and hide, and it would get my heart rate up every time I saw Wally, the Wolverine creeping behind the trash cans out in the kitchen. So I’m all for emotional support animals. I just think they should be dangerous. All of them
John:
New. Yeah, that’s good. That’s good.
James:
Yeah.
John:
All right,
James:
So let’s do some listener stories. How about that?
John:
Okay.
James:
All right.
John:
To give hugs.
James:
He loves to give hugs.
John:
He loves to give hugs with his teeth. Just
James:
Jump right in there. Don’t mind that open mouth. He also likes to give French kisses, but just stick your face in there. He’s going to clamp down. Don’t mind that. He’s
John:
Always smiling. Wally. The alligator. He’s
James:
Never bit anybody that lived.
John:
All the other people, he bit were jerks, but he’s never bit anybody.
James:
So this week I did something interesting. I went through a lot of our failed theme show ideas.
John:
Oh, yeah.
James:
Yeah. People do send in content for them. Sometimes it goes unused because we run out of room on the show. Sometimes we change the theme like we’ve done recently with fears and Tears, and by the way, we’re doing another theme, our
Speaker 3:
Next theme show only Canada story. All Canada all
James:
The time. That’s right. So Canadians and people who wish they were or have been there, you need to send in your stories to just go to that story show.com, click on submit a story, and you’ll be good to go. But anyway, I picked up a lot of old stories from back in the day that didn’t make it or got left behind, and so it was from a scary theme, like a Halloween theme. So that gives you context for the story, and I’ll try to do that for each one. Some of them are from our recently Discarded Tears and Fears theme that didn’t work out. Alright, so this is called Grave Encounter. Years ago, my great uncle Tom went and bought a plot at the cemetery. While out, he wanted to see his plot while staring at his future resting place, a woman walked over to a grave and Tom looked at her and asked, whose grave are you visiting? My mother’s? She replied, and then she asked, whose grave are you visiting solemnly? He said, my own. And her eyes widened in terror. She did the sign of the cross and bolted out of there. Jed, I Jed.
John:
I’m visiting my own,
James:
My own grave. It’s my own grave. You are also visiting.
John:
You are also visiting. Make sure you drop in on me later. I don’t hope I’m here, but maybe
James:
I do remember going to see my grandfather’s grave, and it was a double wide headstone with my grandmother’s name already engraved in it and not the date. And I remember being like eight eight. And that just freaked me the heck
John:
Out. Yeah. It still freaks me out when I walk by one. Not like I do it often, but seeing them and it’s like, oh man. It’s just waiting for that last date, isn’t it? Yeah. I
James:
Didn’t even know she was going to die. I was too young to even think about it. And then there she is, all prepared. Already got her name written on the board. All they need to do is put a check monarch in a circle around it, and she’s dead.
John:
Did it have nice words about her too already?
James:
No. Thankfully dearest grandmother. Yeah. What if her roles changed somewhere in there? Yeah. She got remarried and things just didn’t work out. Right. Alright, so our next story is from the Tears and Fears genre of
John:
Stories. Oh yes. You’re going to love this. This is a stocking scare from r e p Every Christmas. My family attends various parties, but the one we never miss is the Gathering with our extended family, which includes a lot of relatives. Is this intense yet? It
James:
Is. It is. Man. Relatives are intense.
John:
Yeah. Camping
James:
Is intense. So it’s
John:
Camping? Yes. Okay. Hi-fi boom. My great aunt hosts this annual event and she always fills stockings with gifts for everyone. Since she can’t fit them all by the fireplace, she hangs them from her loft railing throughout the night. As everyone socializes and moves around, they frequently walk under these stockings. The following day, we open the stockings at our own house and my mom discovers a surprise. It’s a kitchen knife. She immediately recognized it as part of the same Costco knife set that we owned. So this knife was sold as part of the set? Not individually, though not confirmed. We strongly suspected that the other knives in the set had been in those very stockings that people were inadvertently bumping into that night. I am sure she meant well, but hanging knives up like missile toe did not make my great aunt great.
James:
I wonder if they were wrapped,
John:
You think? I mean, maybe she was trying to send a message to her niece, you know what? I don’t like you. So this knife, I pulled it out of the drawer,
James:
Stuck it in this box. I like you. I liked you before you had a family, so get rid of them. That’s kind of what I’m getting. No, I just love the idea that the old lady put knives in there. I don’t care if they’re wrapped or not. If one of those things had fallen off, hit somebody in the head, the stocking would just be stuck on their head because this knife would’ve gone through the fabric. I think.
John:
Yeah, just a hanging socket. All the toys and junk would’ve fallen out of the stocking itself. But the sock itself and the knife blade sticking out of the
James:
Injured soul. Yeah. I wonder as she was putting those in, what was running through her head? Probably not a whole lot. She’s a great aunt after all, so that means she’s old. But this’s a
John:
Not so great aunt. According to
James:
Ari, she’s just like, every year I throw this party and there’s more and more people showing up, and
John:
These ungrateful
James:
Solve, we have to thin the herd. We got to thin things out.
John:
I’m going to hang them up here on the loft and see how many get knocked out by it. I can claim
James:
Insanity. That’s right. Let’s do a quick word from our sponsors. Alright, we’re back. This one’s called Chatter Problem, and it is from Audrey and Toby, the homeschool duo. So where does your son go to school? All right. One evening when I was in fourth grade, dinner was a do it yourself night. I wasn’t that hungry, so I started eating some peas. I took a bag of frozen peas from the freezer, and I put ’em in a bowl and nuked them in the microwave for a reasonable amount of time. This is a good child. I’ve never in my life been hungry and be like, you know what? I could go for right now, a freaking serving. A frozen peas.
John:
Frozen peas let
James:
Me nuke them for a reasonable amount of time. But these are homeschooled kids. They’re raised a little different, aren’t they? That’s right. A little better. Some would say
John:
I’m
James:
One. That’s right. When they were done, I sat down and I scooped a bunch of peas up in my spoon. I tossed them in my mouth, but not a moment sooner. I glanced into my bowl looking for juicy peas to eat up, and then I saw a weird looking pee. I scooped it up. I took a look at it, and then I screamed. I screamed so loud. Don’t play the chaos. Sound effect. Okay. All right.
I screamed so loud that my mom ran into the room frantically asking what was wrong. My voice was so squeaky. I sounded like I an inhaled helium. There’s a caterpillar in my peas. I don’t know why I made her sing it. There’s a caterpillar in my peas. A caterpillar in my peas. Please, please take it out. There’s a caterpillar in my peas. That’s gross. Taylor Swift’s new number one single caterpillar in my peas. I started sobbing hysterically. See, that’s why you got to toughen up your homeschool kids. That’s right. Should be no tears in this situation. What if there were more caterpillars in the bag? What if I had eaten one of them? Okay, so maybe some tears aren’t necessary. Later that night, we contacted the company and they said that they would only compensate us if we had the bag. But who would keep a bag full of Caterpillar peas? To this day, I’ve never eaten Kroger brand frozen peas. That story shows name shaming, sponsored by Kroger,
John:
Not a
James:
Sponsor. And when I do eat frozen peas, I check all the peas. That’s a job right there. That’s a commitment. That means she was truly, truly hurt. I recommend you also check out your piece for legal reasons. Hope it makes it on the show. Audrey and Toby, the homeschool duo. PS your show is five stars every time. Thank you.
John:
Thank you, Audrey and Toby. Thank you. Check out your piece for legal reasons,
James:
Man. I
John:
Would think you’d check out your peas for health reasons.
James:
Yeah. I just think though, you should be able to buy a bag of peas and not have to worry about bugs being in ’em. Call me crazy.
John:
Yep. Yep. I’ve seen many a video on the old internet here and people washing their strawberries and stuff and finding little bugs. Throw
James:
’em off. Little bugs. Yeah. Apparently those little bugs are on everything though. Not just strawberries, and they’re part of our nutrition.
John:
They’re good for us. I mean, I figure ignorance is bliss, right?
James:
Yeah. Just eat the strawberry.
John:
Just eat the strawberries.
James:
Just like the shrimp. People start freaking out. When I was a kid, the little brown stripe stayed. We just figured it was his backbone or his nervous system. It wasn’t until years later and thousands of pounds of shrimp later that we found out, oh, that’s shrimp poop right there.
John:
That’s the poop shoot goes right down the back. I didn’t know that either. Yeah, I didn’t know that.
James:
So now that I know, it kind of ruined it for me.
John:
Yeah. You feel like you have to scrape it out
James:
Now? Well, now I go to places that do it for me.
John:
I gotcha. Yeah,
James:
And most of the places seem to do it, so it’s not a big deal.
John:
But this is bald. If that shrimp’s bald, it’s going to be in there. Man,
James:
I will tell you this. When I was in second grade in elementary school as at lunch, and the lunch came, I don’t know what it was, but it had a small salad in one of the sectioned off areas. You know how
John:
Trays
James:
Used to be? Yeah.
John:
Trays with all the squares on ’em?
James:
Yeah. I don’t even know what they’re like now, but the plastic,
John:
The same
James:
Trays though. They are. We got ’em. Anyway, I ate the piece of lettuce off the top and daggone. There wasn’t a caterpillar sitting up underneath that second piece of lettuce. I was like, this was before you could sue people or graze a fuss. So me being a kid, I was just like, Hey, everybody. Look, I got a caterpillar on my C salad. Yay. Yay. We have a school pet. I wasn’t the brightest duck in the pond. So yeah, I was just happy. I was just happy I didn’t eat the rest of the salad.
John:
Oh, good for you.
James:
But I think I did tell the monitor, the people that were watching over lunch lady. No, just the monitor. There’d always be people
John:
Walking. Oh, they would beat you up probably. Yeah,
James:
She would’ve. She’s like, that’s
John:
My emotional support caterpillar. You put that thing
James:
Back. That’s squiggly wiggly.
John:
Squiggly wiggly.
James:
Don’t you see the little tiny harness? You see you with his name on it? I dare
John:
You call that thing dirty.
James:
That’s my baby. That’s my baby right there. Okay, so this next story that John’s going to read is called Terrible Tears, and I just want to mention in context of tears and fears, it’s somebody being brought to tears in a drastic way.
John:
In a drastic way. Yeah.
James:
So hit us
John:
With it. I like the story. I think everybody will like this too. Good. This comes from brief in Ames, Iowa. I am currently a freshman in high school, but this story happened in around third grade. I’m the oldest sibling in my family, and I have one sister and three brothers. We live on a farm and usually have a couple of outside farm cats to help with our mouse problem. My sister loves our cats, and one of her chores is to feed the cats and our dog. A few days before this story takes place, our oldest cat pumpkin had died. Aw. My parents and I took turns feeding the animals so that my sister wouldn’t notice. However, that day, at fateful day, she fed the animals while we were waiting for the bus. I was standing out there with her and she turns to me and says, where’s pumpkin? As a third grader, I did not have any filters. So I look her directly in the eyes and I say, quite bluntly, pumpkin’s dead. My sister,
James:
She
John:
Burst into tears and I got a scolding from my parents who insisted I should have had more tact. Yes, I’ve met a lot of third graders that have a lot of
James:
Tact. None. They don’t even know what that is. What’s tact? Is that what you
John:
Hang the stuff up on? The
James:
Corkboard? Well, yes it is. Yes. I got lots of tacts.
John:
I just as firmly insisted that I couldn’t have had said anything else. What do you want me to do? Lie. I know better now, but back then, I firmly believe that was my only option. Anyway, I hope it makes it on the show. Worst. Pumpkin James? My emotional support
James:
Cat. Oh, he’s dead. No pumpkin. I don’t know why they thought they could keep it from her. And then also, who gets scolded these days? Scolded. We were scolded quite.
John:
He’s a freshman in high school, so I mean, yeah. Yeah.
James:
This is from 2023. Who gets scolded? I don’t even think that word is in the dictionary anymore. When
John:
You live on a farm, I think that word actually is part of your regular. Yeah.
James:
Yeah. You get a good scold,
John:
Scolding.
James:
Whenever I kind of get confused or maybe I store it in the same part of my brain as scouring like a pot or something. So getting or
John:
Scalding
James:
Scolded. Yeah. Or scalding. Yeah, scalding hot. It’s just all kind of mixed together. To me. They, they’re puking lava on you and then feels washing you out with a Brillo pad. I got
John:
Scolded again.
James:
I got scolded and scoured all at one time. It’s great. Thanks, Bri, whatever your name is Bri.
John:
Bri.
James:
This is a fire drill. Fun by Ryan Goose. Gru. I did it.
John:
I am Bruner
James:
From Newburyport, Maine,
John:
Massachusetts.
James:
Oh, yeah. Okay.
John:
Maine is me. This is Ma. I think that’s Massachusetts. Yeah.
James:
It’s not Maine. You’re right.
John:
No, that’s md.
James:
You’re right. You’re right. I’m just going to edit it out and make it like I said it the first time. Newbury Port Maine. Crap.
I give up. This story takes place a few weeks ago at my school during a fire drill. It happened to be in lunch when this fire drill occurred, so expected people brought their lunch with them to eat whilst the drill carried on. My school is nuts and has some discipline issues. So the fire drill is going on and the whole school is getting in rows on the football field for about five minutes before mayhem breaks out. Soon after teens being teens, they are starting to run around, which is not supposed to happen. This all turns bad when one kid who hates this misbehavior tosses a part of his sandwich at another kid. Exclamation point. The kid then revolts by taking his friend’s orange and chucking it right at the kid, the first kid. I’m sure you can tell where this is going. Yes. The whole school had a food fight during the fire drill.
John:
Nice.
James:
Needless to say, the fire drill went on for a lot longer than planned due to the addition of a talk from the principal.
John:
This is why we don’t have fire drills anymore.
James:
Can’t have nothing around here. You and your emotional support. Orange.
John:
Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. This is Massachusetts after. All right.
James:
You guys are getting a scolding.
John:
That’s right. Whilst eating your lunch, see,
James:
I’m going to scold you. Greasy high school food and homemade sandwiches covered the football field and Oh, no. And still at this moment, you can probably still find a slice of Turkey or two lying around. That’s gross from Newburyport, Maine,
John:
Still Maine. He’s up there somewhere in one of those
James:
Northern states. I n e. What is it? Shouldn’t be m e Massachusetts. All right, fine. Whatever.
John:
Mass. If that were to happen here at my school, you would not only get a talking to from the principal, but the athletic director would come out because we have one of those turf fields,
James:
And they’re
John:
Very particular about what goes on in those turf fields. They don’t even want Gatorade out there because you pour it on the ground and it gets stuck in the turf, and you got to be careful what you put on the turf field, right?
James:
Yeah, absolutely. Just no peeing in the grass over there. Nope. So PEA’s off the limit. You
John:
Say
James:
Gatorades off the list,
John:
Probably no candy
James:
At all. Oh, no candy,
John:
No
James:
Chocolate
John:
Would be bad. No high heels. You have a fit. You wear high heels out on the field, man, I don’t know why anybody would do that, but there’s a sign, no high
James:
Heels, no playing soccer and high heels.
John:
Yeah.
James:
Okay. Well, I’m glad they got it figured out. I’m glad there’s rules in place. That’s what keeps us safe from emotional support animals and stuff like that. Right.
John:
They should have a sign out there that says, no alligators on the field that way. Just in case. Wally the Gator. Wally Gator shows up. Yeah. Well, James Wyman sent us a peach of a story Peach. Would you call that? I don’t know. It’s a great story. This is wiper. Wow. Wiper. Wow. Sounds like a infomercial. Yeah. Damn. Wow. Vince was slap chop. Didn’t he do that? Yes,
James:
He did. Slap Chop and ShamWow. Yeah,
John:
And Sham. Wow, that guy. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Anyways, summer was coming to an end here in Oregon, which only means nine months of rain was headed our way. It only means that James only summer comes to an end. Yeah. The wiper blades on our car were old and worn. So off to the auto parts store. I went being from Rainy, Oregon, Oregon. Oregon, Oregon. How do you pronounce that? I’ve always wondered. It’s a state.
James:
It’s pronounced Maine. Most states are.
John:
Yeah.
James:
Yeah.
John:
Organ. I don’t even know. Organ. Oh, Orgon. Now I’m really confused. Anyways, I’m, or
James:
Being from Origi
John:
Now, the word looks weird now. I’ve looked at it so long. It looks like it’s like a alien planet or something. It’s
James:
Two letters from Oreo. I’ll just say that
John:
Now. I’ve really messed it up.
That’s what I’m going to call it. Orgon. Okay. Being from rainy Orgon, James, correct me later. James Wyman. I normally buy higher end wipers as they will be used a lot. But that day I was feeling a little thrifty, a little thrifty. I bought the cheapest wiper blades I could find. I opened them up and threw away the packaging and the receipt and installed them right there in the parking lot. Well, later that day, it just so happened to rain. So I thought, it’s time to test these babies out, and oh my gosh, they so fucked. That’s how he spelled it.
James:
Yeah. Yeah. All caps.
John:
All caps. I guess I should have shouted it, but I didn’t want my mic to clip. So anyways, they streaked and smeared water across the winter so badly. I could actually see it easier if I didn’t use them.
James:
Oh, boy. That’s awful
John:
Kind of wipe. It’s not a wiper. It’s more like a window smear. I was upset. So I returned to the parts store quickly, and luckily the cashier recognized me and said I could return them without the receipt. So I marched out to the car to remove those crappy, cheap wipers, and that’s when I finally noticed the semit translucent covers on the plate. I took them off and gave the window another test wipe, and guess what?
James:
They worked.
John:
Now, this is where I would not have, I would’ve just left. But James Wyman, being a man of humility, I walked back into the store and talked to the cashier and admitted, he says, I admitted my stupidity. The cashier tries to make me feel better by saying that he has had people return car batteries only to find out that the batteries work much better if you remove the plastic covers that are on the terminal. Oh, yeah.
James:
Yeah.
John:
James says, I still felt dumb, but not dumb enough to not share it on the show.
James:
Oh, yeah. That’s close enough to I want to be on the show.
John:
Yeah. I hope it makes it,
James:
I was pretty dumb, but not dumb enough for your show. So how many stories are you guys keeping to yourself? Too dumb. All you have to do is send them anonymously and we will read them. If you’re too ashamed. It’s like a confession. We’ll share them with the world.
John:
It’s good. It’s like a confession. It makes you feel better telling the world and nobody knows. That’s right. And if you wanted to say, you know what? I had a story. Make it on as awesome podcast, and then you could share it that way and say, that was me. Yeah, you could totally do
James:
That. Totally. And you would be a happier man for it. Happier man. And you wouldn’t maybe need an emotional support animal.
John:
An emotional support Caterpillar.
James:
An emotional support podcast. That’s what you need.
John:
Yeah. That’s what we
James:
Do. We can be that for you today. Now we got some middle school drama.
This is from Braden, of course. It’s from a Braden, Prairie Grove, Arkansas,
Braden. Hello, James. And John, I would like to tell you a story the has to do with me, my mom in a dark room where my mom was sleeping at night. Oh, it started when I first went to bed and fell asleep after four hours of sleeping. I woke up at midnight. I felt thirsty. So I went to ask my mom if I could get a drink. So I went over and just stared at her hoping she would wake up and not be mad. Sadly, she had an air freshener that glowed red. She awoke and screamed, definitely terrified of me just staring. Then she yelled, I could accidentally punch you, but it worked out in the end. PS I am in middle school. Brayden,
John:
I could have accidentally punched
James:
You, but it worked out in the end. It worked out in the end. I didn’t get punched. I got my drink. I got my drink on. I got to go back to bed. Why would you need to ask? Why would you need to ask? How tight of a hole does your parent have on you? Yeah. Helicopter mom much.
John:
If you get out of bed in the middle of the night, you must wake me up. Wake me up so I can get you a drink
James:
Of water. See, my daughter would do this. She would wake up from a nightmare and she wouldn’t want to disturb anybody. So she’d go to her mom’s side of the bed and just stand there and stare like paranormal activity for hours, hours. And my wife would eventually wake up and then scream her blooming head off, waking me up and everybody else, and my daughter starts crying. It was just terrible. And then my mom, here’s what Jen did. Jen would just say, get a blanket and lay it down beside the bed. And so let’s put the daughter who was scared of the dark. Let’s put her down near the monster that’s under our bed. She could be eye to eye with them. Boots under your bed. So she got no love. No, come on in the covers, nothing. If she had come over to my side, I’d have been all about it. I’d baby do I need to come tuck you in? I’ll lay down with you until you fall asleep. This, that, and the other. But they never knew that about me. They just instinctively went to their mother for this love that just didn’t exist. My wife was not the most nurturing mother. I was the nurturer, but they never came around to my side. They were too scared of the big fat man of the bed. So I snored a lot too. So that might’ve had something to do with it. Anyway, I was having
John:
Scary dreams about snores.
James:
We got some announcements. Hats are available on Etsy. Have you heard about these? Have you heard about ’em? They’re even available in Maine. Really? All the way up there. And if you really want to, when you buy one, I’ll take a marker and write emotional support cap on. There you go. Yeah. For extra or for free? For free. Absolutely. For free. Oh yeah. They’re $20. I ship ’em to you. They get to your house, you get a tracking number and everything. It’s great. So subscribe. You
John:
Should write puns on the inside of ’em, like I got you covered, or something
James:
Like that. You know what? I looked up some slang terms that my kids use, and I found out what no cap means. Have you ever heard of that?
John:
Yeah. No
James:
Cap. Do you know what it means?
John:
It means no crap.
James:
Well, it means no lie. It means it’s
John:
The truth. No
James:
Lie. Yeah. Yeah. So that’s cap. That’s cap. So now I want to make a TikTok. That’s me as an old man, old men using cool words. And I want to say that’s a cool cap. No cap.
John:
That’s a cool cap. No cap. So
James:
It’d be funny. Anyway, if you subscribe to that story show on YouTube, you can become my favorite person.
John:
How?
James:
Just by subscribing on YouTube to that story show’s YouTube channel at youtube.com/at James w Kenon.
John:
Yeah. Oh, it’s not
James:
At That story changed. We changed it.
John:
Oh, really? Yeah. James w Kenon. S o n.
James:
Yeah. Check it out. And we do shorts twice a week, and we’re going to start posting clips from our podcasts. It’ll be a lot of fun. Check it out. And
John:
Then you ever wondered what we look like? You can find out on that.
James:
True. If you don’t want to know what we look like, we both look like John.
John:
Yeah. What? No, that’s not a good
James:
Thing. We’re both attractive men in our mid forties. So
John:
Yeah, that’s it. I look like the rock, just in case. You never even want to find out. I am as strong as the Rock, but I have a face that looks better than his.
James:
Right. And I look like Tom Holland.
John:
Tom Holland with a very deep, deep, handsome young man.
James:
And I’m not British, but I look British. Whatever that means with good teeth. We do have a theme show coming up.
The time. All right. We know you’re there, Canada. We know you listen because you send in your stuff. So whether you’re a young person, a middle person, or old, old, old person, get on that story show and click on submit a story and send it in. We want, it doesn’t have to be about Canada, we just want Canadian people. Okay. Now, if it is about Canada, that’s great, and you’re not a Canadian, send it in.
John:
But double bonus,
James:
We just want a Canada themed show. Okay. I hope that spells it out for you. This podcast is possible because of our members who support us, even though they don’t have to get that story show premium, which includes ad free listening swag, and a weekly bonus podcast called Stuff that Didn’t Fit On the Show. Try it out for seven days free. Yeah. patreon.com/that story show. We had a guy sign up just today, actually.
Really? Yeah. His name is Nick. So thank you Nick and Heather, thank you for signing up to our membership program and supporting the show. Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Carrie Wright and Christopher Tynan. And that is all we’ve got for today. Shirley, you have a funny life story. You need to send it into this show so we can read it, submit your story at that story show. Call it in toll free, eight three three five five s t o r y. And while you’re there, join our mailing list and remember hilarious stories. We’ve all got one. So you need to share yours on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. Bye, John. Glad James.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download