Welcome to our hilarious real life story show where we put your funny, real life stories into the spotlight. Clean comedy for ages 13 and up. We are here today to make your day with some hilarious real life stories and clean comedy.
Live at Narthex Con
We are live today at Narthex Con, and we are excited to hear some amazing stories from our audience. People have come from all over America to join us, and we are thrilled to have them here.
Special Guest Host
Today, we are joined by special guest host, James Steinklauber, former co-host of the wonderful Red School Bus. Welcome to the show, James!
Dad Jokes
Young James shares a hilarious dad joke about two guys looking for juice. The punchline leaves the audience in stitches, and we can’t help but give him a round of applause.
Pesky Parents Theme
We’re doing a theme show this week called Pesky Parents, and we’ve received some fantastic stories from our listeners. From embarrassing moments to funny family interactions, we can’t wait to share them with you.
Reviews and Feedback
We love hearing from our listeners, and this week we received a glowing review from KawaiiLove2013. It’s always heartwarming to receive positive feedback from our audience.
Hilarious Family Stories
Our hosts and audience members share some hilarious and embarrassing family stories, from unexpected encounters with pesky parents to funny childhood memories. Laughter fills the room as we reminisce about the joys and challenges of family life.
Sharing Laughter
As the stories unfold, we can’t help but laugh and share in the joy of these lighthearted moments. It’s a reminder that laughter truly is the best medicine, and we’re grateful to our audience for sharing their stories with us.
Conclusion
Thank you to everyone who shared their stories in today’s episode. We hope these lighthearted moments brought a smile to your face and brightened your day. Stay tuned for more hilarious real life stories and clean comedy on our next episode.
Don’t forget to leave us a review on iTunes and share your own funny family stories with us. We love hearing from our audience and can’t wait to bring more laughter and joy to your day.
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Transcription
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This is that story show where we put your hilarious real life stories into the spotlight. Clean comedy for ages 13 and up. Hey podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison.
So I’m John Steinklauber
and I’m James Steinklauber
and we are here today to make your day. This is the hilarious real life story, clean comedy podcast that everybody enjoys and loves. And we are live today at North X. God, Let’s hear it from our audience. Yeah. People have come from all over America and we love it. We love it. It’s a special
day, isn’t it? Super special. It’s so good to see real faces and I mean your face is great. James is. Yeah. Thanks.
It’s good to see other James’ faces. It’s good to look at other people.
Yeah,
and see that they’re not all weirdos They’re not none of you not Not a mom down soul are a little weird. I was talking to this 1 lady No, I’m just kidding. No when I first started podcasting It was 2006 And that was still where we were scared of the internet a little bit, you know what I’m saying? Like you didn’t want to put your credit card out there because there wasn’t no encryption and stuff. And so I was scared of all of the listeners. Like I thought we would get, that’s where stalkers came from. They
showed up. Cause I never wanted to tell anybody like my family’s names or where I lived or anything.
His name isn’t really James Kennison.
No, My name is Marky Mark. No, it’s not. It’s TJ Pentleton. But just trying to remember that name. We are joined today by special guest host James Steinglaber. This is John Son and former co-host of the wonderful red school bus. So welcome to the show, James.
Well, thank you for having
me. No, we’re glad to have you, dude. We appreciate you. John. Yes. Usually when I introduce you, you bless us with A0A dad joke. A dad joke.
I kind of sneak those in there, but you know what? I want to pass the baton over to the middle chair. Okay, okay, James,
hit us, man.
So these 2 guys, they were really thirsty for some juice. So they’re going to their favorite place where they usually get juice from. But they were worried there was going to be a long line, But when they entered, they realized there’s no punch line.
It’s a good 1. Thank you. I didn’t even give him that either. Let’s give
him a hand, okay?
Come on. There’s no punch line. It hurts to do it, but you have to clap for him, you know?
Thank you.
You have no choice.
Where’s the crickets at? Because that’s usually what shows up whenever I tell a joke. Yeah.
Oh, you want sounds? I don’t really have any sounds. Sorry. We’re doing a theme show this week. It’s called Pesky Parents, and we gave you plenty of time to get your stories in, and I hope you did. Hopefully, we’ll hear some stories from people who have been in the audience today but we always like to start off with an opening story and this 1 is from Josiah and it’s called Too Bad. No that’s not it. LBB.
1 of the many tools of the devil.
Which is me right now. Uh-huh. No, we’ll blame it on the
road caster.
Bell. Did I not load the stupid, stupid, stupid stories into the stupid, stupid computer?
Hey, we’re professionals here, y’all.
All right, Josiah, I’m so sorry, but your story was really good, but it was titled Too Bad. And Too Bad, your story didn’t get on the show. Too Bad. We do have a review brought to you by podgagement.com, which is also run by our friend and IT specialist, Daniel J. Lewis. Daniel, put your hand up in the air. 1 more time in the back. Podgagement is awesome. We share
a haircut. We share a hairstylist, I guess,
right? Every week I get emails from all of the reviews, not just America, but from every iTunes store all across the world. And it makes it so good. It’s so great. This week, Kawaii Love 2013 says, this is the best podcast ever. If you’re looking for a PG clean comedy podcast, this is it. I don’t think we go as far as PG. I think We’re not PG-13 by any means. PG-13 you can get an F-bomb in, you know? Oh yeah, if you’re a movie.
You used to have 1
of those. We’re clean for those 13 and up. And I say that because we don’t read stories from people under 13 anymore. Because I found out about the rules about that. There are rules. There are rules. Rules, apparently. So she says, the hosts, James Kennison, John Steinklau, are great Christians. Are we? What? If you say so.
That’s, I’m honored.
Yeah. I mean, I don’t call myself. I don’t even know how to spell Christians. I had to sound out the word and they love to make people laugh worldwide. They can make anything funny and might make your day a little brighter. If I could give this podcast a million stars, I would listen to it and love it. Quite love 2013, probably a middle schooler.
What do
you think?
I know I’m gonna say no. Oh, because they say we’re great Christians. They must have mature distinction to be able to
do that. Well, yeah, but homeschoolers are mature. So maybe a homeschool middle schooler
James.
What are
the closest to 1?
Well, I write it
no No, I think they’re born in 2013
I feel super smart now
from the mouths of babes. So how old
would that make them
or her? 11. Am I right?
Oh, gosh. No.
Yes. That’s right. You mean 13? Yeah. 2013 was 13 years ago, right, everybody? Yep. Yep. Yeah. Here we are doing math. Please leave us a review on iTunes, it really helps the show. You’re supposed to be 13 to get on iTunes in the first place, so somehow or another somebody lied to somebody. That’s all I’m saying. So, it’s time for us to do some stories. Do I
have the same? Just try all of them.
Just try all of them. No. No.
It’s not that kind of story.
OK, I think I actually have to stop that. This is so terrible. Because you know why? I’m going to tell you in a minute. I’m going to tell you in a minute. Let me play this. Our next story is a voicemail. Oh, that’s why it’s terrible. It’s from Sam. It’s called Gatorade. Let’s listen to it. I don’t have it. That was a
great story, James.
We’ll plug that later. Let me just get it. See, this is the little surprise that you get when
you go back and listen to the show in real life. Okay, it’s like, oh I heard that at the show.
The 1 time, you think I’d known how to podcast. How long has it been? 3 years? This is normal. This is so messed up.
Don’t have a live studio audience.
I don’t have internet. I don’t have access to Gmail everything is a mess, but we do have a we do have a story from TJ bunk. Oh, it’s called the challenge TJ is a he’s a he’s a good friend of the show.
He’s a regular
I’ve had I’ve had lunch with him here in St. Louis. He says, My mom takes great satisfaction and joy in humiliating her children. Are there any parents in the room that can relate? I love embarrassing my kids and I’m not I’d
love to humiliate your kids.
They start getting mad at you. It’s weird. So when my sister and I were both in elementary, we lived a block away from the school, but the road between was too busy for students to cross by themselves. So my mom would walk us to school. She would go with us in her sweats, with her hair that definitely was not ready for the day. I think it was just another 1 of her ways to humiliate us. Being a good mother, though, she’d make sure to hold her kids hands as we cross the busy street. My sister found
this incredibly embarrassing being a third grader. But mom took this as a challenge. Oh, you think you’re embarrassed now? That’s what I always say. You think that was embarrassing? So hands like a vice, my mom would hold onto our hands and started skipping and singing across the road.
Fair enough.
Sure, this was embarrassing for me, but I was younger. I found it hilarious that my sister would try to turn into a shadow and disappear. You should try to turn into a bat, then you can fly away. That’s what works for me. You can’t catch a bat
in the hand. I haven’t done that since Target though.
It’s true. It’s been a long time. This trend of embarrassing children continued into teenage hood, this time in malls and amusement parks. I wasn’t bothered by it. So I don’t have a specific story other than my sister constantly going, mom, stop it. TJ Bunkall. Thank you, TJ, for your story. We love it.
That’s how you know you’re doing it right as a parent when your kids say, stop it.
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Yeah. III used to embarrass my daughter, but she was very young and I’d play a game with her. And I’d be like, it was called the I don’t know you game. And she would want to hold my hand. She was
very strong.
We’d call that 1. My friends play that all the time.
I would let her hand go and I’m like, don’t hold my hand. And she would try to hold my hand. And I’m like, I don’t even know you, get away from me. And she’s like, please don’t leave me alone. So it was good for her. It was good for her. But at 1 point it backfired because we were at Walmart. We were walking up to the front and she suddenly lets go of my hand and says, don’t touch me. I don’t even know you. Oh, Jenna, that’s not funny. Let me alone. I don’t know who you
are. Don’t hold my hand. People are looking. This little blonde girl being chased around by this heavy set white dude.
I bet you had a mustache too.
I’ve always felt like I look like a creep. Even when I was a kid, I look in the mirror And I’m just like, I’m going to be on a milk carton someday. Instead of, have you seen this kid? It’s going to be, have you seen this guy? Because he’s got all the kids from the other milk cartons. But anyway, that kind of turned his back on me, because I was trying to grab her for real and get her out of there as soon as possible.
And the more the attention gets called to it, the more you’re like,
Oh, absolutely. It’s like, I was never a guy that wanted to buy my kid to get him to shut up, like buy him something, you know? But then I was like, do you want a candy bar or something? You know, Thankfully she didn’t have to go to the bathroom or something because then they would have been on me. That would have been… What are you doing, sir? No, my… We’re going to take turns and tell parent stories now. That was a parent story on me, but I remember the first time I ever got embarrassed. Most people
remember the first time they got kicked in the junk, or the first time they got the wind knocked out of them. I remember the first time I was embarrassed. Okay. And I remember the first time my pants got pulled down in front of my parents, but that’s a different story. That was so bad. It was terrible. I was holding my brother and he started acting up and his foot got caught in my pajama pants and I was dropping him and I didn’t want to let him fall. But so he slowly pulled down my pants in front
of my parents and they laughed so hard and I gently left him on the ground and jerked my pants I would ran in my room and cried like a grown man. I cried very deeply. What happened to me? These kid people have already seen me cry. They know how I cry. I cry like this. And my voice gets really high. It’s terrible. It’s embarrassing. What do you mean
by that?
Thanks a lot, Chris Cowan.
You have to listen to the first show to get this 1,
I guess. Go back
and listen to Shift Storm.
I’ll put a link in the show notes to this episode of shift storm Yeah, I think I said it right didn’t I okay? So my mom said let’s get ice cream And we were like yay because it was the best and it’s McDonald’s and It’s you know, how many times do you go to McDonald’s? I don’t know about you, but I only went when my mom took me to the doctor because we would go to Jacksonville and mom could only afford to pay for 1 of us at a time. And so we would get McDonald’s. So
this was a huge deal. There’s 5 of us or 3 of us in the car and my mom. We’re getting McDonald’s and the lady pours up the things. She puts them in the little cup holder things and my mom holds them and she says these are kind of These are kind of drippy. Can I get them redone? And the lady’s like, well, no, I can’t say well I’d really like them redone. Can I talk to your manager? So this was way before Karen. My mom was a Karen Hipster Karen and ladies like ma’am. There’s nothing really
I can do. She said, well, oh no. She turned that whole thing over and threw it at that lady and shifted it into drive and peeled out of there. And I, we all cried. Yeah. But more than tears, I felt for the first time that embarrassment. My mom just threw those ice creams at that lady and she has ice cream running down her. My mom is a witch.
I wasn’t gonna say anything but.
That was when it started And it hasn’t gotten better. I call her once a month. I love my mom. I honor her, but that was not a good… Do you ever bring it up? I will. Do you remember that time? She don’t remember. She’s been mean so many times. You think she can keep track of that? She’s Santa Claus with her naughty list of all the time she’s been bad. No, no, dude. There’s no way. There’s no way she remembers that. John, do you have a parent story?
I do. And this is not, it’s maybe funny for somebody else, so we’ll just go that route. My mom is a nurse and God bless the nurses of the world because they are the best. They are. They can do and talk about things.
Except for Stacy, Larry. She is a good nurse and a bad person.
I know. Being a nurse absolves anything that you’ve ever
done in life. Oh, does it? Okay. Have you ever been sick
in the hospital? I have. They
help you? I had a nurse that saw more than me than my wife has ever seen in me.
So yeah. Oh. That’s a different
show.
But my mom is
a nurse. Different theme show, anyway. For many.
Mark that in the calendar.
We’re going
to get back to that because I need to hear that story someday. But my mom was a labor and delivery nurse for many years. It’s a surprise that we ever had kids because I’m the opposite of what a nurse can think. So nurses can talk and think about gross things and gross things.
And have no problem.
No problem at all.
At dinner. This is where this
is going. Freaking crazy. And I’m just, I get grossed out just talking about Broken fingers or cuts or lesions or whatever they’re called. Oh But my mom god bless her. I love you mom. If you’re listening.
Oh my mom doesn’t listen 18 years
Well, that’s why you got the cookie jerky,
isn’t that right?
It’s probably what it was for.
Go back and listen to that episode. You’ll love it. But we were at dinner 1 night and my mom was talking about something and I don’t even know what this word means and I don’t want to know what it means but she was talking about fistulas
What? Yeah I don’t even like that We’re eating
fried chicken
Is that a woman part?
No I don’t think so Okay I don’t know what it is she was explaining it because I What’s a fistula?
I gotta look it
up And I don’t know what it means. I’ve blocked it from memory, but I just remember trying to eat fried chicken. Uh-oh. And mom talking about fistulas from work or something.
Okay, it’s not as bad as you think. Yeah. It doesn’t matter.
It’s still gross.
It doesn’t go with fried chicken. It’s an abnormal connection between 2 body parts that usually don’t connect. Ah! Such as organs, blood vessels, or intestines. Wonderful. I’m glad it’s not a lady part. I get grossed out about lady parts. I’m sorry, ladies. I don’t understand you. You are beautiful, wonderful people, but all your parts are weird.
Just don’t talk about fistulas during dinner, okay?
Thanks, Mom. I didn’t know there were bonus content to the whole thing.
But that’s pesky parents. So that’s not just the, I mean, I’ll just say that’s my mom. That’s my mom, because she can talk about
that stuff any time. I know a nurse, and she’s labored in delivery. Her name is is I’ve only known her forever Sherry Godbout and And she’s like have you ever in the course because sometimes I like to sometimes I like to beg for Punishment.
Oh, yeah, you’re glutton for punishment.
Yeah, glutton for punishment. So I’m like, have you ever had anything splash on you?
Come on.
Thinking I’m being funny, right? I ain’t grossing her out. I didn’t get anything on her. She’s like, oh I’ve had more than this. Have you had anything special on your face? She’s like, oh yeah, I have. I’m like, oh, that’s good. And I was done. She’s like, no, I’ve
had it in my mouth. Oh.
I suddenly have cerebral palsy. Dude, that’s so gross.
Yeah, thank you.
No, thank you, Sherry.
Thank
you. Thank you for being a laborer and delivery nurse and all the work that you do and you’ve given me a lift because I can’t talk right after hearing about that. So What about you, James? Do you have a story about your parents?
Please save this show.
Did he not
tell yours? I just told it.
I’m talking about grandma, your grandma. Oh.
My mom. It’s your turn.
She’s a pesky parent in that she can talk about gross things during dinner.
OK, well, this story has been told, but I think it’s worth retelling.
Yeah, absolutely. Is it right
here, Dan?
He’s getting
old. It is actually,
so. Good.
Best kind. Long
time ago when
I was about 8 or 9, I was at home doing homework. Like I think I was home alone.
Home school, yeah.
Yeah, home school. And whenever I do homework, I listen to music and stuff. And I was listening on our Alexa which we had
a
long time ago and I was listening and then all of a sudden it turns off I’m like Alexa resume music and it wouldn’t turn on and then until finally the voice of Alexa which is usually female changes to male and I’m like what in the world yeah and I started having like a conversation with it, like early AI or something. And I was like, you know, I’m just going to turn this off. And he was like, please don’t. I’m afraid of
the dark. Why did the voice tell you not to turn it off?
It was afraid of the dark.
And I was like, oh. And then I felt bad for it. I have to step in and say he was very young. OK? Yeah. He was young. This was not last weekend. No.
Baby. And then later I asked it to resume my music and it played it again, but it was very low quality. Yeah. Like it sounded like I was listening through a tin can or something.
It sounded like somebody was holding a microphone next to their speaker. Yeah.
The song
was playing.
Yep. But I wonder what that was.
Then it said incoming call and said, your dad
and I
was like, OK, answer call. And my dad started talking to me and he said he’ll be coming home soon. And then, yeah. And that was actually the day I did a podcast with you, like, first podcast.
Yes! It’s that son
show, I
think is what you called it.
And the embarrassing part is he reveals to me that it was him that was doing it the entire time. On the show.
And I was
like, come on, dad. Why? I thought there was a new update.
Alexa got an update. And a new voice change. That was probably the best practical joke I’ve ever pulled on my children. Oh man. Probably.
Okay, so while you’re thinking about this, because I want to have somebody give an opportunity for somebody to come up and share a family story. If you have 1, I’m going to share mine, and then we’re going to open the floor. Okay. So speaking of Alexa back before Alexa’s, what we had was inner house intercoms. Do we remember those days? The rich people had intercoms or the poor people who lived so far away from their front door that you had to push a button and call them because they would never hear the knocker on their door.
And that’s the way my grandmother’s house was built because there was a breezeway and a garage and you actually entered the house through the garage, you pushed the button, she would let you in, Hey, whatever is going on. I was a grown man. I wanted to have my sister who still lived at home to come visit in Macon where I was living. And my mom was completely against it. I mean, religiously against it. Like I don’t feel the Holy Spirit is vibing with this, is literally what she said. So it wasn’t enough for her to not
want me to take her. God got involved. And it’s amazing I even like God, you know, because of all the things that were blamed on God when I was a kid. So what I decided to do is I went out in the garage and I knew that that intercom system was still hooked up. And it was right behind my mom’s chair in the living room. Oh. So I went out to the garage and I pushed that button and as loud as I could, I was like, Drusilla, this is God. I heard her scream from the garage.
They told me later she fell out of her chair immediately, hit the floor. I said, Amy needs to go with James to Macon. I have work for her to do there. By the time I go in there, all I hear is, I’m going to Pete.
Should have used that opportunity to tell her not to throw ice cream at the
McDonald’s worker. That’s true. Wow, yeah. The funny thing is, it worked. I don’t know. The Holy Spirit suddenly was fine with me taking Amy on this trip and we got to go. We had a great time. So not only was it hilarious, the voice of God actually worked. My mom listened to him as he spoke through the… So, you know, when angels say, do not be afraid, that might be why. Because they’re like, hell is good! Scary.
I don’t know. Angels are scary.
So does anybody out there have a story that they would like to step up to the mic and share? Come on up, Daniel Lewis.
Oh goodie.
Daniel J. Lewis. Let’s welcome to the microphone.
All right. So this isn’t a story about my parents, but how I was the pesky
parent.
Okay. And I’m glad that John is here because he’s gonna love this
1.
Okay. So this was when my son was only about maybe 3 or 4 years old. And it’s just he and I at home and I’m helping him to brush his teeth him get ready for bed and
I farted. Okay, you farted. He’s confessing in front of people.
I don’t really do that.
You’re a man. You’re a real man. I want to say. I honor you.
When that happened, I’m trying to teach him to have some control and excuse himself if something happens.
So I
say, excuse me, to him. And then what he does though, is after he hears that, He sticks his bottom out and lets out a fart and then he bursts out laughing and that’s when my little boy became a man I hope this makes it on the show
Nailed it! I did 1 thing right during the dadgum show. I heard that. Anybody else have a story they want to share? Come on. Let’s bring the mic to him. If I could get a helper to, yes, thank Chris. Chris is going to bring the mic over to
you, sir. Okay.
Here it is. All right. We want to hear about your mama or your daddy.
All right. My name is Christopher Heltzly. I am the son of Keith Heltzly. And this is a story about him. All right. Whenever.
The Inel Cas Grandpa.
Yeah. Back when we were, back whenever we lived in Michigan, I was mid nineties, it was like 95, 96. And we had just finished dinner. Mom was busy working. It was just all the boys at home, me, dad, and my 3 brothers. And of course, my youngest brother at the time, He was born in the year 1990. And my little brother Nate, he was pretending, like all kids, that he was a dog.
What? He was pretending like he was
a dog? He was pretending to be
a dog. Yeah, I
don’t do it. I never did that. I’m just kidding.
And he was definitely pretending and you know.
How far did he go?
You know, he was shaking people’s hands, specifically
dad’s hand. Okay, all right.
Did he visit the fire hydrant?
Did he lift his leg? He
may have, I don’t remember that much, but he did try to shake hands with doggy style with dad. And dad’s like, hey, don’t do that. You don’t want to be back there. And dad could go back, dad could say.
Shake hands doggy style, I just got that. He tried to sniff his dad’s butt. Oh! 0! Ha ha ha ha! That almost went right over my head
I am 6 and a half feet tall, so it might have happened. But no, it’s
stuck on that sword. I’m like, there’s more there. Just dig.
I was attempting to be a little bit nicer for you.
It was like digging in scripture when you know that there’s about to be a breakthrough and God has something for you. I knew there was something there. Anyway, continue sir.
Well, it just so happens, you know, we’re all milling around after dinner, Dad’s getting dishes washed or getting started. And then all of a sudden, you know, my little brother Nate, he is like, hoot, hoot, sniffing. And then all of a sudden my dad just goes, Pfft.
I don’t teach him.
And then my little brother just goes, oh no.
He goes, brrrr.
And he learned his lesson. He never pretended to be a dog.
Yes! What? Yes!
I tell that story because I actually have a second story that ties into this story. Cause my brother David, after years and years of growing up…
He lost his sense of smell.
Well, you know, some
of my family… He still doesn’t have nose
hairs. That is the truth. That could happen. But he had told his kids about Uncle Nathan’s adventure being a dog. And they thought it was hilarious.
Of course.
And of course they tried with him. They did not learn the lesson and they continued to put their noses down
there. Shake hands
like dogs. And, let
me introduce myself.
He did say doggy style, didn’t he? I just want to point that out. For the first time in 18 years, we have to censor the show.
I don’t know what you’re talking about. I am only a 40 year old man. Yeah. What does
that mean? That’s John’s line. I don’t even know what that means.
But of course, they didn’t learn it until eventually they go like, Oh, dad grows. And yet, despite that, every single 1 of his kids have done that. But the worst part is my brother David has, I think he’s still actually whenever he has the opportunity will walk up behind him.
How old is he now?
David is 3 years younger than I am.
Oh goodness.
Still in his thirties.
That’s all take a minute. Just reach out our hands and pray for David right now. Let’s just take that to the Lord immediately. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Chris. I appreciate it. Does anybody else have a story they want to share? Speak now or forever hold your pieces. Oh, okay, we got 1. That looks like an
involuntary story.
Would you rather have the mic brought to you? We can do that. All right, we can bring it down a few feet too. Just for those that are in the podcast world, it’s a very short lady just came up to the microphone. She’s fun size. She’s never heard that joke before. I’m sorry.
Not at all.
Alright, state your name for the record
please. I’m Susan Holloway and I’m from Arkansas. So when me and Nate met, well, actually, when we started talking to each other, I was 28. And the very first time he came to see me, He drove 10 and a half hours to my house to see me. And my mom is a very loud lady and she doesn’t mind voicing her opinion and saying stuff and so. So when he walks in the door, it was the very first time he’d ever been to my house she walked he walks in the door and she says no no absolutely
not you cannot marry her and I’m over in the corner and I’m dying and I’m like are you kidding me mom and so he says he almost turned around and just walked back out the door. That’s my embarrassing story about pregnant.
Thank you, Sherry. Wait, did you marry her? Did you? Are you guys married? Is there a happy ending? Are these kids adopted?
They’ve got 4 kids.
Was she right? 3 kids. Yes. No, they look like a happy couple.
I would say
same mom is wrong. That reminds me of my mom. I brought my wife home and if you look at her, you would never guess that she’s a day over 55, right? I’m just kidding. She’s not even, she’s, she’s like 34, I think is really how she is. She’s 3 years younger than I am and I’m 50. Okay, so I don’t do you look at her and you would never guess that her age. Okay, she She has looked young since she was 16 and I brought her home at 16. She looked 12. Okay. Which what does that
say about me when I hit on her for the first time? Okay. I was at McDonald’s. She was with a friend of mine. I thought she was cute. I knew she was dry. She would have driven her own car. So they’re covering myself again with the board of Jesus. All right, anyway, my wife will back this up. We walk into the room, we walk past my mom because my mom is evil, right? And we’re scared of her. We’re scared. And… I always was. We go into the kitchen, and all of us are, like, breathing a sigh
of relief, but we’re not done yet, because my mom yells from the living room, kind of young, ain’t she? Oh. Kind of young. And we had to exist through that. My mom still doesn’t care for Jen. She’s given her 2 grandchildren. And yeah, she still thinks she’s a little too young. And I’m glad. I’m glad I lucked out, man. True. OK. Oh, so mom loves Nate now. Good deal. Favorite son-in-law. Yeah. That’s amazing. Good deal.
Oh crap. I’m my mother-in-law’s favorite son-in-law too. She doesn’t have any other daughters. So, but you know, sometimes she says I’m her favorite son too.
All right, we got another story here just in time from Stephanie, it’s called High Life. Okay, I’ve got a story about my mother’s antics while growing up in the eighties. Things were very different then than they are now. 1 of my chores as a child was to bring a grocery bag out of my mom’s car and collect the Miller Lite cans out from under her car seat. What? Okay.
Wait, was this before the Don’t Drink and Drive campaign?
No, it was not. It was not.
She was picking them off off the side of the road. She had
to. I still remember going to the package store with my mom, the ABC store. And she would talk about how, I was like, why do they put them in a paper bag? Cause it’s not okay to drink and drive and we lived in Florida, you know the south and and I took that so literally That every time I saw someone take a drink from from a McDonald’s straw or something. They’re gonna get caught They’re gonna go to the police anyway
thought that too, by the way
Drinking and driving
drinking drive
Some people might have found that out for the first time. It’s just alcohol. Because the cup blocks you. You’re allowed to drink out of a bottle while you’re driving. I thought, though, my logic was the Big Gulp was the only, from the 7-Eleven, was the only drink I was familiar with because my mom would always get a big tab, you know? You remember Tab? And she would drink it and it would cover her eyes and I would wonder, how is she seeing and driving? No wonder this is illegal.
Yeah, you can’t drink and drive.
So, so 1 of my chores was cleaning out the bar from underneath my mom’s driver’s seat. Some days I needed to go back inside for a second bag. Oh no. I never really thought anything about it unless I was reminded after dark. And then my child size brain was always afraid someone or something would be hiding in the dark under the car to grab me. Do you remember how scared you would be going out to get something? Like mom tell you to take the trash out after dark and you would walk and you’d take a flashlight
and you got it in there. And then you do the worst thing possible. You would run like crazy to try to get back to the car and the devil would be right behind you. And you could feel his fingers reaching out to grab the back of your neck, and you would do it in 1 motion. Open the door, swing around, and slam it behind you. And then you were finally safe.
I still do that. Yeah.
Seriously. So she’s always afraid of somebody getting her. We lived out in the woods, and that’s what I’m describing. I lived out in the woods too with no street lights. The porch light was barely enough light to see the car. Man, I hated doing that. Pesky parents to the max. Of course, as an adult, I can’t believe that it was normal to actually send your child out to make more room under your driver’s seat for more empty road beer cans. Great parenting mom. Thanks for the laughs guys. Stephanie Stephanie might need to take your mom to
intervention or something. I don’t know. Yeah. I got to say my mom always waited till we got home to pop open that package. I never got it though. Like literally last week, I remember being in the in the drive through line and hearing about drinking and driving and realizing we were at the ABC liquor store. Did anyone else have a story before I move forward? This is your last of the last. Oh, we got 1. Well, come on up. I see that hand. Come forward and speak that through. State your name for the record and make
sure you remember you got to ride home with these people. That’s right.
Because mom and dad are both
here. My name’s Kari Holloway. I’m from Arkansas. So this is about my mom. So A few, I don’t know, maybe it was years ago. I don’t know. It was a while back. We were at my grandma’s
house. Hey, wait, wait, real quick. Real quick, 1 question. Are you in middle school?
Yes.
OK, hold on. 1 second. We have
to give you a special…
Wait 1 second.
Okay. Move out of the way, stupid.
Okay, now you can…
So, and Rainer started calling her name. He said, Mom, Mom. And she said, That’s not my name anymore. I changed it. He’s like, What?
But how is that? But no.
And so she kept saying her name. Mom, mom, mom. She’s like, that’s not my name anymore. I changed it. He started bawling. He was crying his eyes out. And she finally said, okay, Raider, calm down. I didn’t change my name, okay? He thought it was the worst thing in the world.
Yeah. I remember when my mom found out she, like she had a name besides mom. Do you remember that as a kid? My mom’s name turned out to be Drusilla. And if you type that into Word Perfect, it tries to correct it to Dracula. Thank you for your story. Let’s give her a hand.
I think your brother’s a little upset with you now.
Yeah, he’s a little mad. That was years ago when you were still wearing pull-ups buddy we’re okay
yeah
you’re we know you’ve grown up past that now you know what in 2 more years you come back we’ll do scary sisters okay yes you can you can tell some stories about her all right this one’s called dumb dad and it is a long 1 it’s by mckenzie from fair grove missouri why aren’t you here Pesky is a great word to describe this story about my dad. I was 12 and I was deep in the throes of those awkward preteen years. I had the whole look, frizzy hair, glasses, braces, just the worst of everything. This story
is about a time that my dad managed to make that look even worse than it already was, which is saying something. I was fast asleep 1 night when I woke to the sound of my door opening. Through sleepy eyes, I saw my dad at the doorway. Before saying anything, he flipped on the light, irritated, but figuring surely there was something major going on for him to wake me up in the middle of the night and turn the light on. I said, what’s wrong? Where are your glasses? Dad said. I said. I had no idea why he’d
be asking me such a thing. I was half asleep. He just repeated the question, seemingly irritated that I hadn’t just answered it. So I told him, They’re probably downstairs in my book bag. And I asked him why he wanted to know. He just said, no reason. He turns off the light, shuts the door. Barely awake and very confused, I rolled over and just went back to sleep. Next morning, I figured it must’ve been a dream. So I wrote it off. I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t even mention it to dad until we were getting
ready to leave for school. And I found my glasses, not in my book bag, but sitting near the kitchen table. And this is weird, right? Since I always put them away at night, but whatever. However, when I put them on my face, they didn’t feel right. They were super loose and they felt very crooked on my nose. So I went to the bathroom and found out sure enough, they were sitting cock-eyed on my nose and the arms were sticking way out to the sides. The memory from the night before flooded back. So I went to ask
my dad about it. Dad, did you use my glasses last night? Yeah, he says, but they don’t work. I asked what he meant. He told me he was trying to read something on his computer that was too small, but my glasses hadn’t magnified it at all. I said, Dad, they’re not readers. They’re prescription. Of course they didn’t work for you, and they’re way too small anyway. He just scoffed. How does a dad scoff? Ugh, ugh, ugh. Yeah. Well, you know, You’re a kid. Yeah, you dumb kid. He said, that didn’t make any sense. Being a moody
preteen, I said something smart like, you don’t make any sense, dad. At that time, I was so mad because I had to go to school with bent up glasses from his giant head It ended up being okay I bent them into shape and eventually I got a new pair out of the deal the boy did I hold a grudge for A while as if middle school isn’t tough enough Mackenzie from Fairgrove, Missouri. Thank you Mackenzie Thanks, Mackenzie. All right Kenzie Mackenzie I
don’t know what you said. I can’t read it.
It’s McKenzie. I spelled it
wrong. Don’t look
at the show.
I can see it.
It’s you and Jen. Both of you are against me.
What? I’m with you, James.
All right, 1 more story about my mom. So we had chickens growing up. And we had a chicken coop. And my mom got a rooster for that chicken coop. Oh yeah. Because she wanted, we had eggs obviously, but she wanted some fertilized eggs. And for those of you that are older, you know why she wanted a rooster. So, but roosters are mean. And every day I would go in and get the eggs. I don’t know why. She wanted baby chickens, I guess. Yeah, yeah. And the rooster would get
up high. The hens, they pass away. Yeah.
You want to keep getting eggs. Right. And it was weird, but sometimes I had to go out there and feed them and this rooster would get up high and jump on my neck and attack me. And they have spurs.
Do you know? They do, like sometimes a couple, few inches long.
Yes, yes. And it would attack me. And 1 day, I had enough. And I swung that feed bucket. When he launched himself at him, I hit him straight in the head and knocked his silly butt out. And then I thought I had killed him and I was going to die. So I went from absolute victory to terror instantly.
You were too accurate with
that swing. Isn’t that childhood in the 80s in a nutshell is, let’s have so much fun. And now how do we get out of this?
Yeah, that’s it.
Why am I agreeing? You would literally let your sister bleed out and die before you would go in and ask for help, because you’re like, because you were the 1 that chopped her hand off. Nobody was hanging upside down from the ladder, OK? We have to agree on this.
You get your story straight.
Yeah exactly. I just need something to stop. So I resuscitated that rooster I did not give him chicken style mouth-to-mouth or whatever. I don’t even know what that means, but he did kind of like drunkenly arise from the ground. He looked a little like a muppet’s puppet. Hello ladies, I’m still cool, right? I’m the only option you have. Remember that. So I went in there and I told mom, I didn’t tell her, I hit him. I said, that rooster is attacking me every time I go out. Don’t you hurt my rooster. Okay. I could hear it
just like she said it yesterday. Don’t you hurt my rooster.
And she knew what you
were gonna do. She knew, she knew. I said, I’m gonna hit him in that bucket every time he does this. I’m gonna hit him in that bucket. I know I got victory in Jesus name.
Overcome that dare chicken. So 1 day mom went out
to feed the chickens. That rooster got up high and he attacked her. That was it. Rooster’s life was over, okay? She let him out of the chicken coop and he was running loose and we were scared. But mom wasn’t scared because she was on a mission. She went to the closet and she got a 12 gauge shotgun. Yeah. And with us watching, she got that Joker in her crosshairs and first time, Shot his head right off. Oh Wait, he was still walking around though Cuz chickens have you ever heard the phrase walking around like a chicken
with your head cut off. Yeah, they’re they’re so dumb Yeah, that they don’t need their brains to live for a limited time only and So she’s like James get the shovel So I got the shovel and I dug a hole. I knew what my job was to do. I was the oldest child, the oldest male child. I was to dig a grave for this chicken. And the chicken was kind of walking around. So I prodded him with the shovel and steered him and he jumped in to the hole. He jumped in the hole. I drug the
head and the head was dead. The head was not alive. He wasn’t like looking around or anything. And I buried still thriving, you know, life form. Take your little dirt nap. Yeah. It’s time for bed. So yeah, that’s the kind of stuff my mom let us do. She shot a chicken. It was also the only time I ever saw my mother run. Oh.
Yeah, because the first plan. Why was she running?
Well, my mom’s a very big woman, OK? I got it, honestly. Very big woman. All of us, when we saw, OK, so the chicken was loose, right? At first, she wanted to catch it and give it to somebody. That was her plan, OK? So she didn’t go right to the devil’s idea. She tried to catch it. And it got really close to her and she ran. We had none of us had ever seen her run and we all looked at each other all my siblings like we could cross eyes are we going to get in trouble
now because we saw something we shouldn’t see you know run you know like like Noah’s sons when they saw him naked you know he got cursed you know like Did we just see something we weren’t supposed to see? Are we in trouble now? You know? And so we saw her run for the first time. We still talk about it when we get together. You remember when mom ran? Like, she still, now she’s so old, she couldn’t run if she wanted to. But yeah, I saw her run and I saw her shoot the head off of a
full-grown rooster and so life was good for me.
That was a good day.
Yeah it was a great day so pesky parents for the win you know.
James have you ever seen me run?
I don’t know.
Don’t say it, Don’t answer it. I’m sure I do it all the time. Yeah.
All right. Well, you’re
not looking.
We have a couple of announcements to make. Hats are still available on Etsy.com. Even though we’re here at Narthex and I promised you that they’d all be gone. No 1 has bought any yet. So they are on sale for $20 for people here at Narthex con, but you can get yours on Etsy for 25 plus shipping fool. So also this podcast is made possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon gets that story show premium, which includes ad free listening, swag and more, plus a weekly bonus podcast. Try it out free for 7 days at patreon.com
slash that story show. Thank you so much to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright, and Christopher Tynan. And that is us. Remember, you have a story that you’d like featured on a future episode, submit your story at thatstorieshow.com and remember something weird, annoying, embarrassing, or painful happens to you. Don’t get stressed, don’t get depressed, Just think, hey, this belongs on that story show. We’ll see you guys next week. Thanks, John. Thanks, James.
Thanks, James.
All right. And thank you, live studio audience. All right, let’s see if we got something.
Recap song. Okay, yeah,
here we go.
Yeah? My name is Mom, but I’m tired of hearing it. So next time you call me that, I’m changing, ain’t it? So then you call me Mom and I say, Nope, my name is Beverly or something else. Then next time you cope, You can’t cope with that, can you? Because you’re so darn small. And I’m small, too, but to you, I’m pretty darn tall. Yeah! So anyway, as we move right along, I’ll sing a song about how my mom shot a chicken’s head off. Why? Nice. I buried him in the ground, and he didn’t even make
a sound. So now, let’s move right along to a guy that went doggy style. He sniffed a butt, and he made me smile. I thought it was a pretty good story once I figured it out I think I need someone else to help me find out what it means when you say you have a doggy style handshake I thought I needed to go to the urban dictionary. And I found out I don’t have anything else that rhymes. So now I’m going to quit. But all the time, this song is over. Peace out, peeps.
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