In this episode, we’re diving into one of our favorite segments: The Weekly Rewind! We’re sharing some of the best Rewinds of all time, packed with laughs and memories.
A moment of missed wit leaves James questioning his comedic chops. A Sunday morning meltdown leads to a heartfelt apology. Meet Moffat and Leia, the two dogs that bring chaos and humor to James’s life. John, a worried dad, nervously follows his son home, planning “the talk” about safe driving. Tech-savvy students vent their frustrations in creative ways and finally an awkward sip from the wrong cup that leads to a cringe-worthy realization.
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Full Transcript of Episode 482: Weekly Updates:
This is that story show where your hilarious real life stories get the audience they deserve. Hey podcast people, I’m your host. My name is James Kennison, and I am the only 1 here because we weren’t able to record a show this week, but I didn’t wanna leave you with nothing. So we had this genius idea. Why don’t we do a show that is all weekly updates? So I went through the archives and I pulled some of the best weekly updates and so that is what you’re gonna get weekly updates If you’re not aware something we used
to do in the main show where we would share something funny from the last 7 days or so It has now been moved to our patron only podcast that is called Stuff That Didn’t Fit on the Show. So if you like what you hear today, go over there and subscribe, patreon.com slash that story show for as little as $3 a month. You support the show and you get bonus content and ad free listening. So it’s great. It’s awesome. Let’s get into this. It’s gonna be a lot of fun and we’ll see you guys next week right
here on that story show. God bless. I’m not a funny person. Okay. What? I’m not a comedian And I would never make it as a comedian because I was at quick trip. And if you have a quick trip in your area, then you know that quick trips are amazing.
I love quick trip.
The closest thing to it would be a Wawa. If you’re in a different part of the country, They’re just really well done gas stations and they’re clean and efficient. And yeah, they’re just known for being great. Clean bathrooms and stuff like that.
Friendly people, they welcome you as you walk in
the door. And they’re so efficient, they can treat 2, they can work with 2 people on, they can work 2 registers and work 2 people at a time. So while somebody’s getting their payment out, they’re cashing out somebody else. And that’s what was going on. There’s a big line, but I wasn’t worried because big line goes quickly at QuickTrip and they have multiple people up there. And so, and I don’t know how it works at all the QuickTrips, but in the inner city QuickTrip in order for all of us to get along and to not kill
each other, everyone has silently decided that there’s secretly just 1 line, and then we pair off to whatever cashier is ready for us next.
Yeah, yeah. That’s kind of interesting. I didn’t know that everybody did that. I thought it was just my story.
Yeah, okay, I thought it was just ours too, but it keeps people from shooting each other in our case. I’m telling you that right now. Because if there were 4 lines, somebody would get mad. But anyway, so it’s my turn and all I have is an extra large diet coke with 2 shots of cherry in it. And the lady goes and helps the other person and then she comes back to me after I’ve paid and she says something funny. She says, do you want that in a bag? And I looked up at her and kind of
smiled because it’s just a cup of soda.
Yeah, right.
And I was ready to say my response and nothing came out
You didn’t have a response
I didn’t have anything it was like the Aesop’s fable It was like the Aesop’s fable where there there’s a there’s a rabbit and a fox that are talking to each other, right? And the rabbit says, I survive because I always run and hide. It’s the 1 trick that I have. I just run and hide. And the fox says, oh, well, I survive because I have so many crafty ways to get out of any bad situation. I have so many things that I can do. I can run this way. I can jog this way. I can go
backwards. I can go up. I can go down. I can dig. I can run. I can do all these different things. And then a bear comes out and promptly eats the fox as the rabbit ducks into a hole and hides. And the reason why Aesop says that the fox got eaten was because he couldn’t decide from all of the things that he could possibly do. He stalled. And that is what I did in that situation. When that lady said that and left it wide open for me to say a plethora of things. I couldn’t decide on
which 1 I wanted to say, because 1 of them could have been, no, please leave it in the cup. I just poured it in there, you know, instead of pouring it in the bag, you know, I could have said, yes, please. And then made this really funny face at her like you know You just said the dumbest thing ever But no enough time passed and it was just milliseconds and she said ha ha I meant do you want a receipt and By then I it the truth and the reality of the situation are already sunk in
James. You’re not quick You’re not you’re not you’re not funny, and you would never make it as a comedian because you you’re not witty enough and I just took my drink and I got in the car and I opened up my little text document that I keep my weekly updates in and I typed in not funny not a comedian and I was like I’ll never remember what this means so I said do you want that drink in a bag? And then I closed it out.
This is gonna be kind of a confession then. Let’s see how it goes. I was getting ready for church Sunday morning. So I was already at church and I was getting things ready for Sunday morning. I was having a problem with some stuff so I had to track down. Because I’m the media guy, I have to make sure that all the technology is working. And make sure the live stream is good to go and make sure everything, if it has lights or whatever plugs into a wall, I need to make sure it’s doing its thing. So
something wasn’t working right. So I was already a little bit on edge. And So we have this media rack, it’s got amps and it’s got controllers and it’s got stuff in it. And it’s got a door on the back of it. And you know, there’s all sorts of things that go into it. So I was tracing something down to find out if maybe something got unplugged. So it’s this big metal rack and it’s heavy, it stays in place. And it’s modular so that you can pull the sides of it and stuff off. You can take the
hinges, it comes apart so you can see everything inside.
Yeah, get to it and work on it.
Get to it, yeah. It’s nice. It’s typical type server type rack kind of thing. Yeah. Well, the back door on it hadn’t been properly put back in place. So when I opened the back door of it, It came off its hinge and it hit me in the face. Oh! Right across my nose and underneath my eye. Ow! After, you know, I have this large forehead, so it hit that too. In fact, I can still kind of feel it. It’s still kind of tense.
Wow. That’s a sensitive area. That’s like your sinus area.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It’s right there, the sinus there. And I got angry.
OK, did you get angry at the door or did you get angry at whoever put it back in properly? Both. Okay.
Both. And I don’t know who put it back in properly. I don’t know who could have done it and it could have been anybody. But it hit me in the face and I got angry with the stupid metal door and it was 1 of those delayed reactions things like it hurts so bad. You had to either say words that you would have to ask for forgiveness From everybody in the room or you’d had to let some energy out and I chose for the letting the energy out And so I got angry with that door and I
slammed it on The ground a few times. Oh and that still wasn’t enough. Okay, so then I I punched Just ridiculous Punch this stupid metal rack like 3 times. Oh Which hurt? Oh Yeah a little bit That It didn’t hurt as much as my face did. Then I left the room and I was like, you know what, I just embarrassed myself because I lost my cool. So I just walked out of the room and walked to the other side of campus. By that time, I had cooled off. Then I was like, I got to go back
in now. So I went back in. Fortunately, there was only 1 person that saw any of that happen. And I apologized, of course, for losing my cool. And everybody that was on stage though heard it because you know big metal door being slammed into the ground a few times and thrown across the room you know I do recall hearing the worship pastor say, everything okay in there? I didn’t answer him, because you know, it wasn’t.
Yeah. So that’s it, huh?
That’s it, so I’m not
a good guy. I’m a jerk. You didn’t cuss. I was waiting for some cussing. Some good old fashioned cussing in church. That’s what I wanted. You’re still intact. You’re still an angel. Sorry. You took it out harmlessly on a door now if you had taken that door and Just thrown it over the the side of the you know the wall there And it hit some old lady in the face then then you would have something to apologize for. But just taking it out on harmless things, like you know, that’s the equivalent of punching a pillow or
screaming into a pillow. It doesn’t hurt anybody. And did you scare anybody? I mean, like the person you apologized to, were they taking it back? Were they scared?
I don’t know. I didn’t make eye contact while it happened. Oh, I Was too I was enraged. I was enraged I I that metal door, but you know what I did do I fixed that metal door and it just didn’t come off that I’ll show him again They’ll show
him the ultimate outcome of my anger is I fix the door so no 1 else would have You’re still a nice guy John, I’m sorry I have 2 dogs as you guys mostly know. One’s name is Moffat. 1 named Leah. Moffat is the dog I don’t like. Leah is the dog I hate. So,
not to sugar coat it in any way.
No, no, just to lay it right on out there. Leah is trouble and she is bad. She is trouble. And I knew it when she walked in. It’s a shame on
me. Hey,
so anytime we let her out, she begins to bark and she mostly barks at leaves and stuff to try to protect us from the leaves
Yeah from this because those leaves are dangerous up there apparently in Missouri.
The other day I let her out and she started barking really loud right on the back porch. She didn’t wait to get down on the grass or anything and I had had it. So I opened up the door and I draw a breath to start yelling at her. And I see she’s barking at a cat from the neighbor’s yard, you know, sitting right on our porch. And I stopped and I let her bark and I let her keep going. And the cat was not scared of my little tiny butt dog. The cat just kind of skulked
away like, you know, I’m only moving because you’re annoying me. You know,
I’m not afraid of you
and the dog, the cat went back to her side of the fence and I, for the first time in my life was happy with this dog. It finally done something that a dog is supposed to do. And I was actually had warm feelings in my heart toward the dog because as much as I hate Leia, I don’t like cats even more, you know?
Wow. Okay. So I was like,
thank you. Thank you for doing that. You actually did what you’ve been trying to do this whole time is you protected our family. I can’t let that go. I can’t have all these negative feelings towards her and then not share the 1 positive feeling.
Yeah, I
have it would just wouldn’t be fair.
Did you give her a treat? No. My story is, is almost a little bit of a tale of woe. Or, or maybe not. I don’t know. So last night, James and I were coming back from this church. We were coming back from church. So I had him in my truck and we were driving down Highway 16, which is a long road that is out where I live. And through random circumstance and almost cosmic alignment, or maybe you would call it fate, I don’t know. But we ended up behind my son, Johnny, who drives a Grand Marquis,
Mercury Grand Marquis. It’s a nice car. He was able to buy it with some work and a very generous grant from the people who sponsored his graduation.
Oh, nice.
And graduation gifts. So anyway, he got his own car and he’s taking good care of it. He put a different, well, I say he, he and I, I helped him put a glass pack muffler on it. So it sounds a little bit more, you know, bad to the bone, but it’s still, you know, You know what a grandmarch he is? It’s like a, it’s kind of like a grandpa car.
I don’t know. It’s nice.
It’s a heavy car. It’s great. Super comfortable and I feel safe with him being in it. Anyways, he’s driving along and I’m like, this dude’s driving fast and he doesn’t know I’m behind him.
Right.
And I know that he’s going to say something about, I’m already planning on the conversation that we’re going to have after we both get home, after he realizes that I followed him all the way home, because it’s not a short little ride, We’re miles, probably 5 miles from the house. And, and I noticed he’s just driving fast and then like, I don’t, not riding people’s bumper, but you know, just kind of close enough to where I’m like, if you’re going 50 miles an hour, you should be, You should be off.
So you’re making a checklist of things you need to talk about.
Yeah, I am. Thank you. Yes. The dad in me is just, and I’m even talking out loud to James like this guy needs to be driving slower. He’s just need to be careful. And so, we get to the house and, and, and pull in and we, I drive a truck, which it’s, and it’s off, it’s got a little bit of a lift to it. So the headlights go right into your back window if I’m right behind you. And I’m sorry if you’ve ever driven in front of me and my lights are bright. I apologize. I bought
the truck that way. I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. But anyway, so we get to the house and I already know that he’s going to say, oh, I was driving so fast because the guy behind me had bright lights and I didn’t want to have his lights in my eyes. And so, nailed it. He did say something along that line. But, you know, I kind of got onto him. I was like, dude, you got to just drive safer. You drive careful. Be aware of things. And so, So I had, I had, we, James and
I had just gotten dinner. So I mean, we ate out and we just got dinner and I didn’t bring him any. I felt like a terrible dad. So I said, look, let’s here, you can have the card, just go, go out and get yourself something to eat. And so he’s like, all right. So he drives out and it takes him forever Like what in the world is this kid doing? I’m about to get you know life 360 upper or find my family or whatever and Apple uses and And he comes walking in the door. I was
like, dude, you were gone a while. He said a funny story about that. And then he said, I got pulled over. He got pulled over. It was like almost instant. Like we were just talking about how you need to be careful and be mindful. And he’s like, yeah, I was like, all right, dude, come on. How it is. I mean, the dad in me is trying to be compassionate, but also the man in me is trying to
be like, I told you so.
But I said, how fast were you going? He’s like, I was, I was going 62. I’m like, what? And he’s like, yeah, I was 62 and a 45. Oh! I’m like, oh, no. That’s
a ticket. So the
officer was nice to him and reduced it to 59. I don’t know how or why they do that. I mean, I guess it makes it look better for him, but you know, the rule follower in me says if he was going 62, you should give him a ticket for 62. You know, you’re essentially lying. Not that I’m complaining, but you’re, you know, falsifying information by reducing the speed that he was actually going. Which I guess once he realized the lights were going, he eventually did have to go under 62 and pass 59, which is what he
got ticketed for. But anyways, he comes home, he’s got a ticket now, and this is not a funny story but it is a thing if your parents if you happen to be listening and you’re like oh this is a terrible story just remember your parents kind of do know what they’re talking about sometimes yes and and always always always please be careful Be mindful of the traffic that’s around you and always be looking over your shoulder for the police cars because they’re there to protect and serve, but they will also serve you a ticket And it
will probably not be cheap.
I got so many this week. I just made a list, but I’m going to I’m going to tell the 1 that got the construction workers in the back of my yard to laugh. If you can make a construction worker laugh. Oh, man. Yeah.
Yeah. Being clean even. I mean, they get a bad rap for, you know, being these dirty kind of guys.
Yeah. Yeah. Hey, baby, bring that over here. You know, so forget about it. I got these guys rebuilding my deck and they had stripped all of the lumber off of the deck. But the stairs going up to the deck were still working because they can walk across the the rails, you know, or whatever they are, the struts. And and they needed the stairs to get up to access to put the new boards down. But my doggies didn’t know this. So I took them out through the side gate down the alleyway to the backyard. Everything was going
great. And I was just going to keep an eye on him after they did their business. And I say, OK, guys, come on. And little 1, the smart 1, the dumb 1, I hate came right to me, skipped the porch, skipped the deck. But stupid Moffat, the dog I like now, ran up those stairs and flew 4 feet down to the ground. He hit. Why do I like that? He hit what would be the equivalent of his chin, his neck and his chest. He made a sound. Oh, like it knocked the wind out
of him.
I thought homeboy had broke his neck. I ran up to him, but he comes running up to me like hey I just flew it was amazing And the thing is he probably did break his neck, but he’s too stupid to know so so On Facebook they had a question They’re like post your last text And I never play those games on Facebook, you know, and then tag me in it. So I’ll see what you say. But I did because my last text to my wife was, so none of the doggies tried to commit suicide today.
In my job as an IT professional, specifically within a school, I have to monitor students activity And we are all the time, the middle school specifically keeps us on our toes because we use a filter that we manage and we have to block sites, block websites and add websites and approve things and disapprove things.
Are they constantly trying to get around it? Is that the deal
or? That is the deal. Oh, exactly the deal. And, this software that we use, this tool that we use is called GoGuardian. I’m sure that a hundred million of our listeners that are in middle school are familiar with GoGuardian. And hate it. And they hate it, they all do, because it wrecks their fun. We’ve got this perfectly good piece of technology and they can’t play their games or watch their videos or do the stuff that they wanna do to annoy the teacher in the middle of class. So we are often times asked, Hey, will you check
out this student’s activity and see, you know, what they’re doing and blah, blah, blah, and all this stuff. So we, we found a few students who had apparently been just really abusing and probing the system and just trying to get away. So we have this great tool called the penalty box. Basically, what it does is it blocks all of your internet activity, except for the very few selected websites that they are allowed to use for their classwork. That’s cool. And it’s a great tool. It works really good. Well, we put some students in it this week
and you know just kind of testing the the waters air and trying to tweak the system of our well this is this is a great opportunity we’re going to use this and we made sure that the principal was aware about it and all that stuff because these students are used to having free reign of the Internet, not free reign of the Internet, because obviously we keep them safe and protected from stuff and whatnot, but a limited reign of the Internet to go out and find time-wasting sites and stuff like that, they all of a sudden no
longer had it. And so they were like only able to get to their classwork, which is what their Chromebooks are intended for. And the student got just so upset that they logged into their Google account and created a slideshow for us. And I will not reveal the gender of the student because I do not wish to incriminate myself or
get fired.
So this could be anybody. But the students said, I don’t think they listened to our show, but they wrote this, it’s this very nice slideshow, and it said to us, school, please stop stalking me. I know that you are blocking every website I find and I can’t watch my downloads. Please stop.” And then they go on to give us a list of different websites that, here’s the websites you blocked that I found.
Oh, they’re on to you.
Like a list of them.
Yeah, they’re on to us. Yeah.
And he’s going on to try and justify saying, I only use it at times when I’m allowed to use it, ask my teachers. We’re like, I, we haven’t led on to this student to know that, you know, we know, we know that you wrote this to us.
This is not true. You, you have been abusing the system. That’s funny. So, all right. So I mentioned that we had a funeral and that I had a weekly update from that funeral and, and how inappropriate does that sound? But so 1 of the before the funeral, but yeah, before the funeral, the people involved in kind of putting the funeral together all went out to eat together. And we ended up at Mod Mod pizza.
Mod pizza sounds like a fancy, cool hipster place.
Oh, it is. It is nice. It’s like the subway, except a nice imagine, you know, subway’s kind of gone downhill. So I don’t like calling it that, but it’s like the subway of pizza. You go through and there is a pizza artist and you choose the thickness of your crust, the size of your crust. What, what you, if you want garlic rubbed into it, Do you want what kind of sauce? What kind of cheeses? And they have all these different kinds of cheeses and meats and vegetables and all this kind of stuff And then they put
it in an oven a brick oven and they cook it for you And then they holler when when it’s ready and
wow, that’s cool.
It is very cool and it’s very good. So if you have a mod pizza in your area Definitely go check it out. But anyway we had ordered and we were sitting there with our drinks And I was talking and I happened to be sitting across the table from the lady whose son we buried or were in the process of burying. And her name is Tiff. And Tiff is 1 of my dear friends and we have similar struggles and stuff like that. And we talk a lot about it and we get along very well. And her son
was very close to me and I to him and all this kind of stuff. And, and so it was natural that we would sit across the table from each other. But what was not natural is the moment that I took a sip of my soda and it wasn’t my soda. It wasn’t my flavor of soda. And in horror, I felt the, the, the texture of lipstick on the straw. Oh, no. And I realized that I had grabbed Tiffany’s drink, And I had taken a deep drink of it, and I looked around really quickly and pushed it
back over to her and And no 1 No 1 saw it. No, I’m like Tiffany didn’t see it No 1 that she was talking To saw it and my kids most importantly didn’t see it. Oh
There you go,
and I got away with it and I didn’t say a word I just quickly grabbed my drink and took a drink of my drink cuz that just cancels out, you know all the cross-contamination and I didn’t have any lipstick residue I’m sure I did on a microscopic level I don’t know what color I was wearing and I don’t know what color looks good on me but it well I mean
does that mean that you practically kissed her? Kind of. Kind of. Yeah, sorry. Oh man. I’ve always thought about that. Like if you if you drink after somebody, your lips have touched the same cup that they have. So it’s almost like you kissed them.
Oh, that makes me cry a little bit. It does, because because in my family, we are still the kind of family that we can drink after each other You know Yeah, I don’t know if your family’s that way. Maybe it is maybe it’s not but yeah, we do. Yeah, so, you know
That just means your family that’s all
yeah
Well, she she doesn’t know that she kissed you. Shut up.
You’re making it weird. Hey, I hope you enjoyed this episode of That Story Show. This podcast is possible because of our supporting listeners on Patreon. Supporting listeners get ad-free listening, swag and weekly bonus content. Try it out for free for 7 days at support.thatstoryshow.com. Special thanks to our producers, James Spangler, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynan. Well, I guess that’s it for us guys. Do you have a story you’d like featured on a future episode? Submit your story at thatstorieshow.com where you can type it or talk it. And While you’re there, join our mailing list for the
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I may have kissed Tiffany, but it wasn’t on purpose. We did it through a cup and I think it was worthless. I mean, it wasn’t a date or anything like that. She really wouldn’t have liked me back then. I was too fat. And John got mad and threw a door around the church. He really felt like a really bad lurch of a guy like on the movie, like the show, The Adams Family. He probably found out that he didn’t have much of a family to love him at his church. He thinks he’s bad, but everything that makes me mad makes him really sad. He’s not bad, he’s a good guy, that’s what I think. He should have thrown up sink instead of that door, I think. And now John’s son got a ticket driving fast. His dad’s doing the best, telling him not go that way. But he did and he got a ticket anyway. We’ll see you guys next week. That’s the end of the show today. Ha.
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