216: Podcasting Sad

James shares a humorous update about meeting former colleagues at a bar. He discusses the challenges of podcasting while feeling sad and the importance of sharing the reality of depression. He credits positive changes in his life for making things better. Plus talk about struggles with depression, an upcoming eye surgery, a family celebration, thoughts on books, TV shows, movies, and video games, plus a little inspiration.

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Welcome to Outliving Depression. I’m your host, James Kennison, reminding you that depression is a liar. You have value even when you’re broken and you are stronger than you think you are. This is my audio journal where I’m striving to outlive depression. I always like to start the show with a weekly update, something that’s humorous. And for me, that humor is that I met some guys that I used to work with at the sign shop at a bar. And, you know, I don’t have a problem meeting people at a bar, especially since they had all quit, you

know, and it just kind of validated why I quit a few weeks ago, because we all had problems with this guy. And I’m so proud of them for finding other work, you know, and I wanted to celebrate with them. Obviously, I didn’t have anything to drink. It’s funny, somebody mentioned, asked me what denomination I was affiliated with, and I told him the assemblies of God, and he says, oh, well, that means you don’t drink. And I said, no, that’s not why I don’t drink. I never drank and never will. Because you have an alcoholic father, that’s

why you don’t drink. Because you have a pretense, a chance of becoming addicted to it and you’re have a healthy fear. That’s That’s why. Anyway, I met up with these guys and long story short. Well, now I won’t do long story short. I’ll tell you a little bit. We were just sitting there talking because some of the guys hadn’t showed up yet. And this 1 guy goes by and he’s like, hey, guys. And I’m like, hey. And he’s just kind of trotting by, you know, walking past our table. And I go home with my conversation with

this guy and then the other fellas show up and we’re talking for a little bit, and then 1 of them happens to mention, you know, this is a gay bar. And I’m like, you know, I’m already not. Used to the get to the bar scene, right? You know, there was a time where I thought walking into a bar would send you straight to hell, you know? I’m not, I’m not there anymore, but you know, there’s not a lot of years between that James and this James, you know, it’s maybe 10, it’s maybe 15, I don’t know,

but it’s not most of my life. And then, ta-da-da, you’re in a gay bar. So I went through and thought about all the things that had happened since I had been there, and especially that 1 guy that kind of trotted past us and said, Hi guys. And I guess he was just, you know, he was being friendly, but I think I remember feeling a little bit checked out, you know, like, like a feeling like somebody was maybe wanting to prey on me. Like I thought the guy was, it had an alternate purpose to just say, and

hi guys. Cause I just thought that was weird. Cause I’ve, me and my wife eat at a bar once a week, every week. And I’ve never had anybody go past and be like, hi guys. And so I did. I remember thinking that that was weird. And then once I found out I was a gay bar, I was like, oh, okay. So that, that really was something. And I was being, You know, the line was being cast. The bait was being put out and I didn’t snap it up. So anyway, I don’t know how you’re supposed to

know when you’re in a gay bar because it wasn’t like on Parks and Rec where all these 20 something guys, you know, all these flamboyant guys dancing around to music. It was just like a regular bar with regular people Just sitting around having drinks and talking. There was no there was no flag. There are no stickers on the door. There was nothing, but apparently this is a well-known fact that this is a gay bar. None of the guys at the table knew it except for this 1 dude. And he let us know. So anyway, I spent

45 minutes in a gay bar this week. What have you done with your week? So Anyway, our main topic this week is that I feel like total crap. Well, in my notes I wrote, I feel like crap, but not total crap. But I want to upgrade it to total crap. And I know what I meant when I wrote that. What I mean is like, I’m sleeping a lot. I have no energy. I feel very down. I didn’t want to podcast this. I’m apparently, Jen says I’m very touchy. And she’s a little paranoid around me because I

guess my tone is different because I’m kind of down. And maybe you’ve noticed it on the bike as my tone is not hype or whatever. But I say not total crap because I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel like I suck. But I haven’t walked today. I haven’t worked out today. I did do my Bible reading, but I haven’t prayed. And it’s 630 in the evening. And I found out out of all my disciplines, which if I can remember right, are praying or reading, walking, praying, working, exercising and podcasting that podcasting is the hardest 1 to

do of all my disciplines. It’s the first 1 to go. It just is. It’s the first 1 to go. But I remember saying on this very show that I would podcast sad. Even though I don’t see the point in it, I don’t know that it brings anything to the podcast, but I feel like to get a fair representation of what I’m about and what depression is about. I just don’t think it’s fair to only podcast when I’m up because isn’t that what we do on Facebook? Don’t we only post the good stuff on Facebook and Instagram?

We post the highlights, we post the good things. Does that really help anybody? So hopefully this helps somebody, I would hope so. So, yeah, I’m pretty much feel like crap, just no energy. No desire to craft. I had I had bought. Clay and and clay working materials and stuff like that and collected this item so I could start a buzz bobblehead because I was in a crafting mode, right? You know, but that’s that’s not happening. I mean, I’m able to stay positive, like I have a positive outlook on life. I don’t feel like I suck. So

those are all good things. If this is a downtime, which I believe it is, it’s a new kind of downtime. And I have to blame all of the good things that I’ve been doing, like exercising and taking vitamins and working out and losing weight. They they I mean, if I’m doing better than I normally would, those are the only things that I’ve done differently. Right. So it would make sense that those things are the things that have made things better things. So I don’t know how long this episode is going to be, because that’s my main

topic. I just feel like total crap. I want to sleep all day. I’m apparently coming off as touchy and. I don’t like that. I especially don’t like it because 1 of my pet peeves is being accused of something I didn’t do. And so when somebody in the family takes it, takes something I say in a way I don’t intend it to be taken, I can find myself getting upset about that because I didn’t mean it that way. That’s not how I meant it. So you can’t take it that way. And I can’t be punished. I shouldn’t

be punished for the way that you took it. But then by then, I’m mad for real. And I’m upset for real. So it’s kind of a stupid thing to get Ben out of shape about, but that’s just, it’s just my thing. So There’s your main topic. I feel like crap and. I’m podcasting anyway. Now, I don’t know what else there is to say. Life updates. I have an eye surgery scheduled for tomorrow. I’m going to be there at 6, 10 in the morning. I’m looking forward to being able to see out of both eyes because my

left eye has gotten really really bad and then I’ll be able to get glasses and that’ll help me to be able to see up close again and then my eyes will be fixed So that will be a great thing. You guys have heard me talk about granny before on here. She’s a lady that lives with my friend David, his mother-in-law. She turned 90 this week and we had her 90th birthday party and she, buzz her heart, is starting to, I don’t know if I’d call it dementia, but she’s starting to become forgetful, I guess, because I

went over to say hi to her And she says, I have not seen you in months. And I’m like, that’s not true. I saw you just the other day. And I said, really? You know, and it wasn’t true because if she hadn’t seen me in months, she probably wouldn’t have recognized me because I’ve lost so much weight in a matter of months. So it’s a little sad, but she did tell me this was her last birthday. And I said, you don’t know that, because they celebrated her 80th and then celebrated her 90th, but they brought in

an old band, like a band that plays old timey music and stuff. And she sat out there and just loved it. And it was great. And I snuck out about 30 minutes into it and went to a gay bar and then came back and finished the party. And nobody knew I was gone. Health updates. I am at 214, which is a pound under my stretch goal. I started working out again, even though I haven’t done it today. But I take, I have surgery tomorrow and It’ll be a week of not working out again because I’m not

allowed to lift anything over 35 pounds and I’m not allowed to put my eyeballs below my waist because it’ll pop out. I don’t want my eyes to pop out. That would be so gross. Could you imagine? Could you imagine? You just doing your business and hanging out doing whatever you drop a book and you bend over and something goes and And falls out into your hand. This is a little clear thing and you’re like, oh my gosh, that’s my lens. It’s my new lens. I got to get that back in. And so you go to the

bathroom and you try to fit back in and hopefully you can seal it up yourself. You at least got to try before you call 911, right? You know, I don’t know. It’s kind of gross. Podcasting, I already said it. Out of all my disciplines, podcasting is the hardest. I don’t even know why I’m recording this because it’s gonna be the most boring thing in the world. Because III wrote all this up yesterday and I’m like, how am I going to be entertaining or inspirational? You know, because if you can’t do 1, you at least could do

the other. And it’s like, you’re not, you’re not. But you said that you would podcast down when you’re down. And if not, if for no other reason than it gives you some insight into how the 2 pollers, the polls are free, because just the fact that I’m able to do it, because I considered a discipline is is a big thing. It’s a step up in the right direction. But the fact that I don’t want to do it is still there. So anyway, it’ll pass. I mean, that’s where the positivity still comes in is I know it’ll

pass. It’ll pass. It’ll go away. It’s not forever. I guess that’s if you want to get inspirational when you’re really, really down, you feel like it’s going to last forever. When you’re for real depressed. It seems like it’s the new normal and it sucks and you don’t want to do anything with your life, with the future, with anything. And maybe part of it is because of exercise and vitamins and weight loss. And maybe part of it is I’ve just seen the patterns, seen the patterns enough to know that the good times aren’t going to last forever

and the bad times aren’t going to last forever. And inspirational, here we go again, I believe I’m healed. I do. I just stupidly, stupidly believe it. And I am healed from depression. Because this is not that. This is Depressing, but it’s not depression. So, you know, it’s a step in the right direction anyway. So if I had to rate my depression on a scale of 1 to 10, I would say I’ve been at a 3, which is, you know, very, very, very, very low. Family update wise, my wife is having a birthday on Wednesday. She’s turning

28. At least that’s what I’m telling people. And Jenna and Jay are trying to sneak some money out of me to spend on her present. And I think they’re trying to sneak all the money. Like they they talked about. We’re going to split it 3 ways. And I said, OK, well, how much is my chip in? And I heard 200. And I’m like, Dad, how much Are we paying for whatever we’re getting her? And I heard the total was 200 so far. And all they need to do is get her some flowers and a little thing,

a little drink cup. And I’m like, I think I didn’t say this, but I’m like, I think they’re trying to get me to pay for everything. And I’ve already gotten Jenna a gift. The way we get gifts for each other is we give each other permission to spend a certain amount of money on 1 of our favorite things. And she wants approval for a certain amount of money to Lululemon. And so I’m like, yeah, that’s good. And she usually books a cruise, a not a cruise, a massage, you know, and that’s from me, you know, that’s

from me. That’s what I do. So, whatever them kids want to do is fine, but I’m not paying for it, you know. What am I watching the reading, playing, doing? Well, I finished the book of skulls, which I do not suggest to anyone. It was terrible. It was 1 of the worst things I’ve ever read morally, on a moral level, which, you know, I’m pretty fluid, morally fluid. So now I have my standards and I have things that bother me. And this 1 bothered me a lot, but I, I, it came highly suggested by this book

club that I was going to be a part of. But even critically, I would say it’s, it’s not, it’s not a good, it’s not entertaining, it’s not fun, it’s not good to read, it has nothing redeeming. It’s, It was under a sci-fi heading as far as genre goes, and there’s no sci-fi in it. It’s just dumb. It’s dumb. It’s dumb like St. Elmo’s Fire dumb, or it’s just about young people and their immorality. You know? So, so hate on me about not liking St. Elmo’s fire. Because I only watched like the first 20 minutes and turn

that crap off. What have I been watching? I’ve been watching the acolyte, which I know a lot of people. It’s funny. I’ve talked to other fans and they’re saying that the story sucks. That’s what they’ve heard. And it’s being released episode by episode. So I don’t know how anybody could say this story sucks because it doesn’t. It’s a great story. Yeah, there are 2 homosexual characters at the beginning. I know that turns a lot of people off. I don’t like it when they, when there’s a lot of romantic stuff going on, but there’s none of that.

And it’s like, it’s like Google told me, Google told me, I asked, I asked it if it was going to be, You know, all about that. And Google says, well, there’s stuff in it. You know, there’s 2 characters that are gay, but that’s not what the show’s about. And I was like, OK, so I’ll give it a shot. And it is really good. I’ve been watching Andor. Andor is a spinoff. It’s another Star Wars spinoff of Rogue 1, which is 1 of my favorite, if not favorite, Star Wars movies. And Andor is 1 of the characters

in Rogue 1 and you follow him and It’s really good. It’s a slow burn, slow burn. And I get in the mood for those once in a while. And, and, or it’s definitely paying off. It’s just like reading a really good book. I’ve been watching weird Al, the movie that, that, that apparently Roku made. So you can get it on Roku or rent it on Apple plus or whatever. And it’s, it’s total bull crap. I mean, it’s not his story at all. It’s just a funny movie ever so loosely based on his success and his story.

And I appreciate it for that. But I really wanted to, I really went into it thinking I was going to get the Weird Al story, you know, his success and all this, but they, they do really stupid stuff. Like he says, I’m not going to make any more parody songs. And so he writes, he writes, eat it. And he puts it out, you know, and, and then Michael Jackson puts out a song called Beat It. And he’s like, oh, everybody’s going to think I was parodying Michael Jackson now, you know? And so, you know, that’s bull

crap, you know, but it’s funny. So I’ve enjoyed it. I’ve watched a movie called Unfriended, which I don’t suggest it is. It’s a for rent movie, but it’s a teenage, not slasher. It’s kind of a ghost film, but all these kids are on it’s it was made back in like 2014. So all these kids are on Skype talking to each other. And there’s this secret person in Skype that they don’t know who it is. And it turns out to be the ghost of this girl that killed herself. And it’s all these friends were to blame because

they embarrassed her. So, yeah, it wasn’t great. I wasted $4 on it. 1 thing I am doing though, is cause when you feel bad, when you feel down, you have to find whatever kind of perks you up and cling to that. And for some reason, that thing is, I’m gonna watch all 10 Fast and Furious movies. I’m gonna watch the whole franchise. I’ve seen the first 2 and I just rewatched them and I’m on Tokyo Drift and I’m watching them in release order because people keep asking are you watching them chronologically? I’m gonna watch, I always

am a fan of release order because that’s the, that’s what was done, you know? I actually watched an interview with George Lucas the other day and he says that Star Wars, he was talking about the prequels and the original trilogy and he says those are 1 movie and it’s meant to be watched 1 through 6 and I don’t care what he says it’s meant to be watched 456123 okay it’s meant to be watched in the order that I watched it in. So there you go. I’ve been playing Dead Island 2. I talked about that last week.

It’s a fun game. But I’ve also reloaded, because I have ADD apparently, Star Wars Jedi Fallen Order. I was talking to a friend about the game and they said, Oh, have you played it? And I’m like, yeah. And I can’t get past the opening chapter. Like there’s a bad guy in there that I can’t get past. He said, put it on story mode and just play it for the story. And I’m like, that sounds like a great idea. So I switched it to story mode and suddenly it’s super easy to fight all the bad guys and

you feel you feel so good. Just easily killing everyone. But I’ve moved forward in the game so much and it’s great because I bought the game. I would like to finish the game, but I had unplugged it and turned it off because I couldn’t get past the opening. So anyway, if you’re having, here’s some more inspiration. If you’re having struggles with your video games, just turn off the difficulty and cheat your way through. That’s what, that’s what I do. And I’m a successful gamer. What am I doing? I’m doing nothing. I had been collecting items for

my oversized bobble head. I need to sketch out the pose. I did a lot of work on Google images, trying to find which kind of buzz body I wanted and which kind of buzz head I wanted. And I kind of made a board full of ideas, but ultimately it’s going to come down to my sketch. But I don’t feel like doing any of that right now. I feel like sleeping actually. I don’t even feel like posting this podcast. But I’ll do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do it. But I’m not doing a whole lot else. Today

we had a fridge delivered. Our fridge started leaking on the floor and it’s 16 years old so it was time to change it out. We got it at Costco. We got it for like $450 off and it got delivered today and I had to pull all of the tape and styrofoam out of it. And I had to unload the old fridge and load the new fridge. It was it was kind of stressful. And it was a lot of a lot of me worrying about food going bad and stuff thawing out. But it’s OK. So It’s all

fine now. It’s all fine now. The guy told me don’t put anything in it for 3 hours. I said, dude, I was like, dude, I’m putting stuff in as soon as you walk out in the door. I’m filling this up. I’m not leaving this stuff out for 3 hours. There’s no way, even if it gets a tiny, tiny bit cold on the way to getting to that 3 hour point, then it’s going to be better than it’s sitting out at room temperature in, in on the counter, you know? So that’s what I’m doing. Closing thought for

today on this 27 minute podcast. This is the advice that I’m giving myself this week. Let’s make sure we’re always doing what we can do. Some days that’s nothing. Other days it’s a shower, chores, or a walk on the treadmill or a podcast or a visit with friends. So let’s let’s always push ourselves to do what we can do. Don’t ever use depression as an excuse. Always push yourself to do what you can do. That way when you can’t do it, people will know. You know, He didn’t come because that’s how bad it is today for

him. Not, he didn’t come because he never comes, you know, he never shows up. But when you’re done, bow out. That’s what I did at the party the other day. My wife stayed till 10. I was out of there at 6 at the at the granny party. When you’re done, bow out, leave before you’re used up completely. Because you have different strengths, you have different energies, and that sounds new agey. But what I mean is you have physical energy, you have mental energy, you have spiritual energy, you have emotional energy, and you have social energy. And

everything in your life eats up some of that energy, right? Different parts of it. And you can still be fine. Just your emotional energy or your social energy is used up. You’re done with people. You’re done being around people. You’re done putting on a happy face. So get out of there before that eats you up all the way, you know But but let’s make sure we’re doing what we can do This episode is brought to you by our supporting listeners on patreon with special Thanks to Kerry Wright and Kerry Bernhardt join the community and become a

supporting listeners today Patreon.com says to you. Okay, it makes me happy Your money makes me happy. So make me happy this week. How about that? Email me your feedback, thoughts, and questions, james at nlcast.com. I always read your emails, and I always enjoy them. They are never wasted. So thank you so much for those that email me regularly. I appreciate it. For everything else, visit outlivingdepression.com. This has been this episode on this date and I am done with it and I have succeeded. I did my podcast today so what I have to do now is need

to get on that treadmill and then I need to do my workout and yeah and it’s an A day so A days are good B days are bad A days are good because it’s squats and I like squats. Okay, even though they suck. B days include deadlifts and those are of the devil. So they’re not they’re not fun. So a day. Yay. See you guys next time. Bye.