Disciplines are a mixed bag. I think they’ve kept me from going lower than normal, but they’re also the standards at which I’m failing the most.
Email me your feedback, thoughts and questions: james@nlcast.com
For everything else visit outlivingdepression.com
Transcript:
Welcome to Outliving Depression. I’m your host, James Kennison, reminding you that depression is a liar. You have value even when you’re broken and you’re stronger than you feel you are. This is my audio journal where I’m striving to outlive depression. I kind of hate having an intro because the intro was written when I was doing better. Pretty freaking miserable. Last week I said my depression was at like a 3. It’s like a 6 now. 6 out of 10. And I’m not in the self-loathing depths of depression yet. I think that’s on its way. I’m at the
phase where I’m just miserable. It’s absolutely miserable and apparently touchy. It’s what my wife says that I’m extremely touchy. I don’t like that. I don’t like it. But that’s what I want to kind of talk about today is my disciplines. You guys, if you don’t know, I have these disciplines that I’ve been trying to stick to. And they’re a double-edged sword because On 1 hand, I think my disciplines are the things that have kept me from going down as far as I could go You know, I have a hit. I don’t know that I’ve hit bottom
yet But they also are the things that I’m failing at which are piling up and making me feel, you know, surely will eventually start making me hate myself. So let me go through my disciplines, the things that I’ve been trying to do to keep myself from getting depressed, things that I decided to continue doing, even if I did get depressed. So the first 1 is reading, reading the Bible. And I’ve been doing that because that’s like the easiest 1 to do. I’ve read through most of the Gospels, doing 2 chapters a day. I’m in Luke. You
know, and a lot of people say, you know, I don’t get ready in the Bible because I don’t remember it. And to that I would say, do you remember what you ate for dinner a month ago on the last Thursday of the month? And you would say, no, of course I don’t. And then I would say, well, it still did you good to eat that meal. And you would say, yes, it did. And you might learn something, you know. So reading your Bible, even if you don’t remember what you read, is still a meal for your
soul. So it’s the first thing I do, except on Sundays. Sundays are my day off. My second 1 is walking, except on Sundays. I walk 30 minutes on speed 3 and elevation 3. And I I kind of I didn’t I don’t know I failed at that this week I didn’t do it every day but I did it yesterday because I could do it I was like sitting here and I was like you know what I could walk today I could do it and so I got up and did it and that’s that was the advice if
you remember from last week If you can do something you should do it. And so I was just trying to follow my own advice if you can do something you should do it because You’ll feel better. And the reason why I read is 1 of those things because it’s so easy to do. It’s an easy discipline and it makes you feel good when you’re done. And it’s like, it’s like my counselor said when she gave me the idea that even if you roll right back over and go back to sleep, even if you have a terrible
day, you’re like, hey, I started the day off right, and I did something I was supposed to do. So even if you’re not a believer, which you should be, by the way, you can still read something positive. I still suggest the Bible. I’m not gonna lie. I had a guy, I love him to death, but he doesn’t get why Christians can’t be happy and leave non-Christians alone. And it’s because of what we believe. And if we left you alone, that would be a bad sign. That would mean we didn’t love you, because we believe… The Bible
basically says that the only way to heaven is through a relationship with God that is provided by Jesus Christ and what he did on the cross. And we have something called the Great Commission that we’re supposed to share God’s Word with as many people in as many ways as possible. And if we see someone who’s not a believer, our secret evil plan to save the world is to love you with God’s love and hopefully the Holy Spirit will draw you into a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. So that’s why We’re not happy just to leave
you alone because I mean, there’s a lot of them, I guess a lot of Christians that don’t think that way. But I’m not 1 of them. I think you need Jesus. And I’ll just go since I’m on this soapbox, I’ll even go a little further and say you need to check out Jesus for yourself. Because my own son sat through a service last week where they talked about the 2 main kinds of love in the New Testament, the Greek words, phileo, which is a human love, and then agape. And my son got upset because he said
that the pastor was misinterpreting agape love, that his teacher at school had taught him that agape love is love of self, is truly loving yourself. And I said, no, it’s not. It’s a hundred percent giving of self. It’s God’s type of love. And he said, well, you need to ask Mr. Peterson or whatever the guy’s name was. And I said, no, you need to look it up for yourself. Because if you look it up for yourself, you’ll find the truth. Doesn’t matter what Mr. Peterson said, or Mr. James Kennison, or anybody else. Find out what the
Bible actually says about itself. The best interpreter of the Bible is the Bible. And so even if you’re a religious person, let me urge you to read God’s Word, because even most cults are based on Scripture, but they’re taken out of context, or stuff is added to it. And it’s like, there’s even scriptures that say that nothing should be added to it, you know? So let me just urge you as my listeners, let me challenge you to, when you read your Bible, Well, I challenge you to read the Bible first of all and and when you
do investigate it, investigate the truths in there for yourself. And I have enough faith and belief that if it’s true, it’ll do the work in your soul. And if it doesn’t then hey, you’re off the hook, you know? It’s all bullcrap, right? But it’s not. So I do my reading. I’ve gotten back as of Friday doing my walking. Praying is another 1. And I pray while I walk, so I didn’t pray for 2 days, but I’m gonna tell you my prayers I did a whole big old episode on praying which I feel really stupid about now
because my prayers have definitely gotten shorter and It’s basically a bullet list Like I cover a minimum amount of prayers. It takes me like 3 minutes to get through it all. I have no energy for lots of words and I don’t want it to become a burden, you know, like something I’m forced to do. And so to keep it in the realm of something I want to do, I have to keep it simple and short. I still care very much about the people I pray for. I just don’t have the energy. Working is another 1 of
my disciplines. Of course, I quit my job. I haven’t been able to find another 1. I do look and I have applied and I’ve had a couple of phone conversations. But the way I kind of just coast over that 1 is it’s kind of out of my control. But I pray and I just like, if it’s your will for me to have a job, I may have a job. And my only request is that it be something I’m interested in and let it be for somebody that treats me well. I don’t think that’s too much to
ask. My next 1 is working out. Now that one’s been all over the place because I had eye surgery and I’m not supposed to lift over 20 pounds. But the minute I was allowed to start working out between eye surgeries, I did. So even though I was down, I still worked out, but I haven’t had to put that to the test the last few days because I had eye surgery on Tuesday. And to skip ahead, it went well, it went well. I can see out of both eyes now. I’m getting weird refractions and stuff like that,
but my right eye has healed more than my left eye and it is seeing no more normal like everything seems to have settled in and gelled in and Regrown to accept the new lens, you know, it kind of feels like the left eye is a little loose, like it flops around in there. And maybe that’s the case. I don’t know. So Tuesday, I go in for a follow up visit and that should be me ready to start working out again with my weights. So we’ll see when it comes up how well I do. My last 1
is podcasting, which I said last week is the hardest 1 to do and the first 1 to go. And this week I did not do that story show. And I did not sit down with my wife and do we’re both right. Because I didn’t have what it takes to do it. And I almost didn’t do this 1. But what did I say last week? If you can, you should. And so here I am, podcasting sad again, podcasting miserable. But the thing about those disciplines is they’re, like I said, they’re tricky, tricky thing because I do believe
they have helped me in the big picture to not go down as far and as fast because they’re all things that are good for me. But when I start failing at them, they are the first things to judge me. Like not podcasting, not walking, not praying, you know. And that’s what that’s what depression does is it takes all the good things and turns them into weapons against you. All the good things that you had set up and going suddenly become the things that you know, that judge you the harshest. So I don’t have any answers for
that. I’m just saying that’s the case, but I’m going to do my best. Like at church today, I didn’t feel like going. The message definitely didn’t do anything for me. But what I’ve decided is that it is time that I am dedicating to receiving from God. And so it’s worth it. And then during praise and worship, I did not feel happy. I stand there with my hands in my pockets. I don’t clap. I don’t sway. I wasn’t even going to sing. But then I was like, I should. I should praise God in the middle of this,
even though I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no praise in me. I should sing praises to God because I think you get extra credit You know when you praise miserable talk about more of that in a bit It’s already mentioned that depression is like at a 6. The kids are doing good. My wife is stressed about her new job. It’s just a lot going on right now. She said the other day that if she had known all the stuff that was going to hit us at the same time, she wouldn’t have switched jobs. And, you know, switching
jobs is a stressful thing. But, you know, my son, it wasn’t too long ago, my daughter’s car was stolen and run into a tree. And then my son got in an accident. It wasn’t his fault, but somebody hit him and totaled that car. And then we had to buy a piece of crap car for him to drive. And there’s been money that’s been put into that car already. And then I hit a pothole, busted Jen’s tire on her car. And to get that fixed. And I am depressed and touchy, apparently. That puts Jen on edge. And
I hate that. I hate it so much. So I’m not even aware. I just I know it because she tells me. It’s just I don’t feel like I’m acting out but apparently I overreact to things because I’m miserable. But I pray for Jen and I pray that she will overcome her tsunami. That’s what she calls it. And I know she will. Plus, I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago that we had some pretty big life changing news that is kind of private. But I think that’s had a lot to do with the level of depression
that I’m feeling because it’s left me feeling pretty hopeless and it’s challenging everything I believe and every day I feel a little bit different about it and maybe 1 day I’ll share, but just not yet so, disciplines man They’re good for me, but they’re bad for me. There’s no winning. But I’m going to keep trying. You know, try to fight my way through it. What am I reading? Watching, playing, doing. I’m not reading books. I’m just reading the Bible. 2 chapters a day. Except on Sundays, I’m watching the Acolyte, which is getting better and better. I
don’t care about the gay stuff, the gay characters. The series is fantastic. Andor is great. Watching that, it’s another Star Wars spinoff. And I started watching the Fast and Furious franchise and I’m on movie I just finished movie 6 so I like it I like car chases I’ve been playing Star Wars Jedi Fallen Order kind of just bits and pieces I don’t play for very long get pretty Burn out on it pretty quick, but I bought force unleashed 1 and 2 I’ve played through 1 But this is the ultimate Sith edition and it was 6 dollars.
It was on sale and I kind of want to get into a Star Wars phase. What I’m doing is I’m in no mood to do anything creative. So I had bought all this equipment to do this giant bobblehead and I’m really thinking about returning all of it to Amazon. So I don’t know when I’m gonna feel like doing it again. I really don’t I got 3 pounds of clay sitting down here With rollers and tools and all kinds of stuff to get involved with it, but I have absolutely no desire to do anything. So this is
what a podcast is like when I’m sad and depressed and I apologize, but I said I would podcast sad. So this is what you get. Let me get back to what I was talking about earlier as a closing thought. Let me read Luke 21, 1 through 4. Jesus looked up and saw some rich people tossing their gifts into the offering box. He also saw a poor widow putting in a few cents. And he said, I tell you, this poor woman has put in more than all the others. Everyone else gave what they didn’t need, but she
is very poor and she gave everything she had. And so that’s the scripture I chose to support my point today is praise Jesus even when you’ve got no praise in you because I don’t know I I feel like when you do that it’s a special sacrifice because it’s easy to praise when you’ve got thoughts of things to be grateful for but it’s it’s not easy when things are hard. And I think you get bonus credit. I think you get extra tickets at the ticket machine. So this has been a short 1. It’s brought to you by
our supporting listeners on Patreon. But special thanks to Kerry Wright and Kerry Bernhardt join the community become a supporting listener today patreon.com slash go k Email me your feedback. I got lots of feedback last week. I appreciate your support You guys are the best send those things to James and I’ll cast comm for everything else, visit outlivingdepression.com. 1 more thing, I guess, is I was 215. Now I’m down to 212 and a half. So I’m still losing weight. I thought I was done, but apparently not. So that’s a good thing. I’ll see you guys next week,
and hopefully I’ll be doing better Because I’m getting kind of tired of this this business talk to you later. Bye
Podcast: Play in new window | Download