296: Mustache Lady

James and his wife are on a date when a lady approaches them. You won’t believe what happened next!

Transcript of first 10 mins:

James: 00:00 Hey podcast people. This is that story show where we’re sharing hilarious real life stories and inviting you to do the same. This is episode 296, on the way to 300 people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison and my good friend is here.

John: 00:16 Yes, my name is John and my favorite part of End Game was when Captain Kirk- [crosstalk 00:00:20]

James: 00:20 Ah! Stop, stop!

John: 00:22 Oh sorry.

James: 00:23 Star Trek is in there? You spoiler!

John: 00:26 Oh, I’m so sorry. Aw man.

James: 00:29 You really scared me to death.

John: 00:32 I haven’t seen it yet. So anything I say is complete coincidence. But I do believe that Harry Potter does show up as well.

James: 00:40 Oh gosh.

John: 00:42 And he gets turned into dust.

James: 00:43 Oh no.

John: 00:45 Because Lord Dumbledore has something to do with Voldemort in the middle of the Tardis.

James: 00:51 Just stop, you might be accidentally spoiling it.

James: 00:53 I had to go see Captain Marvel with my son before End Game, so we got that out of the way last weekend. And so I know we’re two weeks out and I don’t know what the spoiler alert rating, time zone or limit is, but I still need people to hold off for just a little longer. Yeah.

John: 01:17 I’ve been avoiding social media and stuff like that.

James: 01:20 I was the same way with Passion of the Christ. I would not let anyone tell me how it ended.

John: 01:27 Are you serious?

James: 01:27 No.

John: 01:31 But they might have thrown a surprise in there. There could’ve been a twist.

James: 01:34 Ta-da!

John: 01:36 Jesus rose on the fourth day and Judas never died.

James: 01:42 Just jumped off the cross, ta-da! Just syke!

John: 01:47 This is too much. I’m destroying the world.

James: 01:50 Oh man.

John: 01:51 Oh man.

James: 01:52 Hey, before we do our opening story, I just wanted to give a shout out to the NL cast baby who… Alina is her mother, and I don’t want to use the baby’s name on air because she’s an NL cast baby, but she had her first haircut at five years old today and I saw pictures on Facebook and she’s so dang cute. Cutest kid ever. She’s even cuter than my kid was at that age. And that’s saying a lot because Jenna was super cute. And so Alina said that she’s probably needs an upgrade from the NL cast baby to the NL cast kid. And since I said how about podcast kid, because the podcast kid grew up on me, so I’m going to start calling the NL cast baby, the podcast kid. [crosstalk 00:02:46]

John: 02:45 Podcast kid, yeah.

James: 02:46 Because she’s a result of a podcast.

John: 02:48 Because your podcast kid is not a kid anymore, so I mean you can…

James: 02:53 She’s Jenna.

John: 02:54 [crosstalk 00:02:54] … That title to a new generation.

James: 02:56 Yes. Just passing it on down. We always, always, always, always start with an opening story and this one’s called the Naughty Knot.

James: 03:04 I grew up in a Christian Church when I was seven and I got bored. I would entertain myself by playing with my hands and seeing how long I could hold my breath.

James: 03:13 See I always played with the offering envelopes.

John: 03:17 Yeah.

James: 03:17 Tore them open and made…

John: 03:20 Made little paper airplanes out of them?

James: 03:22 Drawing picture out of them. I could draw on the clear side, you know? But yeah, paper airplanes, whatever.

James: 03:28 Anyway, on one such occasion I started playing with my shoe laces. I wanted to see how tight I could tie my shoes. So I started with just one shoe and I weave the laces through and through because this wasn’t something simple like redoing lace over and over. This was using one side of the lace to its max length.

James: 03:47 I don’t know what he’s talking about there, but I can just imagine that he’s trying to get the shoes as tight as he can and get as much slack in the line as possible.

John: 03:58 Yeah. So like pulling it super tight on his foot.

James: 04:01 Yeah. Yeah. Just being seven. Just doing that for no reason whatsoever.

James: 04:06 So after my mission impossible-ing my shoe laces apart, I wanted to take it to the next level. So I tried tying both shoes together. This time I had way more lace to work with, so I spent a good 10 minutes knotting my shoes together. Yep. The first half of the service ended, which meant it was time to go to Sunday school, which was in a building across the parking lot. The only thing was, guess what? I was still stuck with my shoes tied together like a dork with the most intricately tied knot bundle you’ve ever seen. As members young and old got up to leave for Sunday school, I frantically asked my mom to help me untie my shoes.

James: 04:57 Mom! Mom is the savior man. She’s the one.

John: 04:59 Yes she is.

James: 05:00 You know, you’ll go to her before you go to your dad because your dad is probably maybe a little more capable. Like he might have a pocket knife and some extra laces on him.

John: 05:10 Yeah.

James: 05:12 But he’s going to get really mad at you at the same time.

John: 05:15 He’s going to be like, “You know what, we can’t take these shoes off your feet so we’re just going to have to cut your feet off kid. Good job with the laces.”

James: 05:21 Exactly, that’s the kind of stuff dads say, moms never do that, so I don’t blame him.

James: 05:26 She was unsuccessful though and she told me to go to Sunday school anyway with my shoelaces tied, I could only take minuscule steps. All the kids had left by then. So the judgmental adult stared at me while I moved my tiny legs insanely fast. Taking a long series of three inch steps towards the door.

James: 05:46 Yeah, like Tweety Bird walking fast or something.

James: 05:50 I got outside and I saw no one out there. The second half of the service must have started already because no one was there to see my seven year old self. I began bunny hopping across the parking lot, trying to make up for lost time.

James: 06:06 It’s great until you trip.

John: 06:07 [crosstalk 00:06:07] I can totally see this happening.

James: 06:08 Yeah, it’s so visual.

James: 06:10 I can only imagine what people thought as they drove past. Well, I made it to the door, which was mostly see-through and I was back to doing baby steps against my will to avoid embarrassment. There’s only one itty bitty detail. My class, praise The Lord, was in a room behind the big kids’ class, so all the big kids stared at me as I opened the door and I tried to think about how to get past them with looking as least stupid as possible. So baby steps don’t look as silly as bunny hopping, I’m thinking, but bunny hopping covers more ground. I was in a debacle. At seven. So I went with baby steps, of course, I inched my way across the class, with the big kids on one side of me continuing to stare in confusion. Why this idiot kid was moving one foot per minute. The teacher was on the other side trying to continue the lesson. I made it…

James: 07:11 This is such a great story.

James: 07:15 I made it to the dead center of the room in what felt like five minutes. And I realized that maybe I was going too slow. “I can’t look silly, but I’m super late.” My brain thought. So after a few minutes of standing there, I decided to crouch down like a freaking ape and I used my hands and slung my legs to continue my journey. After five seconds of doing that, I realized that my horrible mistake because I wasn’t going any faster and I looked three times stupider. So I just spring up and jump my way. Boing, boing, boing to the class. With my feet stuck together, like some sort of demented penguin with the entire class laughing at my springy shame. I’m still bunny hopping to this day. Thanks for the show. Signed, I’m hungry.

John: 08:05 Oh my gosh, that’s so good. Man, I got tears in my eyes because I’m trying not to laugh like a fool, but I can totally relate with that, I think that’s what makes it so funny because I would have that conundrum. I’m like, I would be that kid, who had tied his shoes together.

James: 08:22 Well you’re not paying attention. You’re in the middle of whatever you’re doing and you’re not timing things according to real time. And so you could be right dead set in the middle of your little action there and real life is moving along. I’ve had it happen to me more than once. I was so enthralled with a book one time in Elementary School, I was reading this book that the entire class had gotten up and lined up and been told to stand in line, told to be quiet, all this stuff. And then she turns and looks at me and hollers at me and says, “James!” And I finally woke up from the book. I was so into the book that I was just not even in the world anymore.

James: 09:10 And I think that’s what happens when you’re seven and eight years old. You’re just like…

John: 09:14 Or 16.

James: 09:15 … I’ve got to tie my shoes together as tight as I can. This is an imperative to save me from boredom and then suddenly your real life catches up with you and you have to live with the consequences and seven year olds have to do what they do and if boing-

John: 09:34 And that [inaudible 00:09:34] yeah.

James: 09:35 If they have to. I just love that he tried the gorilla walk.

John: 09:36 I can see that happening, yeah. The gorilla walk, yeah. And he’s not getting any further and then he’s like: I’m just going to bounce out of here.

James: 09:44 Scooting along like…