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Transcript
This is that story show where we put your hilarious real life stories into the spotlight. Clean comedy for ages 13 and up. Hey, podcast people. I’m your host. My name is James Kennison and I am the only 1 here because we’re taking a break this week, but we want to leave you with something. So what we’re going to do is instead of doing a normal show, we’re going to release some of our patron only supporter only bonus content from Episode 165 and 166. And what I want you to do is listen to it. And if you
enjoy it, Consider becoming a supporting listener at patreon.com slash that story show I hope you enjoy it. We’ll see you guys next week with a normal show Take care and God bless Hey, welcome to stuff that didn’t fit on the show. This is for episode, what is it? 465. Yeah. Where we put stuff that didn’t fit on the show. And we always- But
we saved it just for this show.
We did because you are our patrons, you are our supporting listeners. And that’s the way I like to think about you guys is all of our listeners are important, but you have gone to the next step and you’re our supporting listeners. Yeah. And that, that makes me happy.
I feel like I’m getting a hug when we do this show. Really? From you. Yeah. I feel like.
Oh, from them, not me.
From them. Well, I mean, from you, I always feel that way. But, but like, I feel like, and I wish it could be like this, like we’re sitting in a big living room with all of our patron people and nodding at each other’s like, oh man, that was funny, you’re good. Hey man, it’s good to have you here, what’s up?
But they have to stay absolutely silent. They would, because
yeah, and they can’t be like making weird gestures and stuff because they might get distracted.
We wouldn’t be able to see you. You’d have to hide behind the furniture.
Yeah. Yeah. We have to have the lights off. Yeah. Just because I get really nervous when I’m around people in close proximity.
And you better keep your kids at bay.
Probably.
Why? Because secretly I hate kids. Confessions of a kid’s pastor. If you haven’t figured that out by now That James hates kids always did you know, even in children’s ministry. I just
right
hated children. Oh Anyway Where that came from? John I want the people to hear what I heard before we started recording. Can you do Jimmy Stewart real quick?
Sure. Jimmy Stewart. This is the older Jimmy Stewart, and this is what I sounded like.
Can you pull down the moon for me?
Oh, you want the moon, is it? I’ll put a lasso around it and pull it down for you, see? And then we’ll go
out and we’ll get snowflakes
and we can eat them.
And sometimes you’ll swallow the moon and moonbeams will pop out of your eyes.
And your fingers and your toes. Am I talking too much? No, I love it. That’s the line from the movie.
We don’t, we don’t feature enough of your voices. You do them. You slide them in there, but, but we, we, we, we don’t take full advantage of you, John.
Maybe, maybe somehow I could take some of these voices and And find stories to read like what would it be like to have Jimmy Stewart or Spongebob or Bob that? I don’t do him, but Larry the cucumber read a story from I don’t know somewhere or something. I don’t know
I’ll pray about it.
I’ll pray. Yeah. Let’s pray about that. Maybe, maybe the doors will open up and I can do terrible Christopher Walken impressions to reading Reddit stories.
All right. Let’s rewind the week.
All right.
So mine is ridiculous.
Is it?
Yeah. OK, so Earlier I led on about my face journal, my Facebook, my face diary that I had on Google docs about all the hot women faces, you know, I was a face collector. I’m like some sort of freaking nasty guy. I don’t know if I should keep that in there, but I’m also pretty petty. Okay, so I was going, I had my food and I was heading toward the dinner table and dad gum it if Jen hadn’t parked herself in my chair.
Wait, your daughter, Jen? No.
Your wife, Jen. Jenna. Jenna
is my daughter. Jen is my wife. Jen is, okay.
So Jen had plopped herself down in my chair. And I sat in her chair, cause they’re next to each other. So it’s not a big deal, but it was. I mean, it was just, it wasn’t big enough for me to say anything or even crack a joke or anything, but it was like irritating. It’s like, you know, this is my spot. That’s my chair. You know, you shouldn’t sit there. So, we’re sitting there talking for literally about 45 seconds and then she’s done with whatever and she gets up and leaves. And I’m like, you weren’t even
going to make full use of the chair. And now I can move into the chair, but that’s when I realized how stupid and petty and shallow I am because I’m too lazy to get up and move to the chair. And I realized I must not care nearly as much. I was mostly enjoying getting mad about it, you know, more than I was about the solution. So I sat there in the wrong chair and ate my dinner, which doesn’t take very long, because I only eat 3 ounces since the surgery.
3 bites.
Yeah, but how shallow am I? How petty am I? I even told my wife, I’m like, this is going to be my weekly update. I’m going to run it past you. And she laughed her butt off.
But does that make you petty now that you’ve shared it with her? Because you didn’t hold on to it as a grudge.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I think that’s the petty part of it is keeping it and letting it be Yeah,
but who cares about chairs, you know who cares about chairs kindergartners and church people,
you know And it’s true
It is you sat in my area of the church. You don’t know you must be new here.
So yeah, oh My good. Well, you know, I mean it but it’s your house. It’s your home See and and you’re used to saying you sit there every night
Yeah.
Yeah, it’s that’s your chair. I mean, it’s your habit. And somebody disturbed your your your moment.
Am I petty or is Jenna Butt?
Ah, I don’t know if I can answer that.
Yeah, you better. You better figure out.
I couldn’t be both. You’re both right. Both of you
are both right. Yeah.
Oh, see, I said segue.
Maybe so, but no, I sat And I was trying to think, okay, what funny thing happened this week? And I’m like, Jen sat in my chair and I’m like, but that’s not funny, James. And I’m like, but maybe you can make it funny.
It, well, how does lemons, lemons become fun?
I don’t remember.
You was just a sticker that said Lemons Lemons on it.
Yeah. Lemon comma Lemons.
And Lemons. Lemons comma Lemons.
And the only thing that could make sense was if there was a lemon asking what, or some lemons were asking what was in there. And it would say lemons, lemons,
lemons, lemons.
That was the joke. That was the whole thing. It started
it. So
is that Our latest meme or do we have any other memes post that
now?
There’s the if you’re on discord. There’s an amazing animated gif of John saying I don’t know what that means
That’s an old 1
It’s so great
I don’t even know why I said that
I love it so much matter of fact, I want to make a t-shirt of it and I just wish that I could print animation onto a t-shirt because it’s just not the same without the whole eyes going back and forth. If you’re not on our Discord, get on our Discord and then type it under GIFs, type in NLCast. There’s several, but 1 of them is John looking back and forth. Maybe I’ll post it on Patreon.
I don’t know what
that means. Maybe I’ll just post it on Patreon. Cause I love it when John gets ignorant when something gets close to being off color. Risky. Yeah, risky. Oh, love it.
Yeah, Thanks.
He’s so innocent. He doesn’t even know. He doesn’t even
need your chain.
You are. Well, we’ve always said that. All right. So what do you got, John?
Man, I, I want to tell you about the golf tournament that I was at today and how amazing it. But that’s not funny. There’s nothing really interesting about it. I was at a golf tournament. Our boys won first place, our girls won
third.
We’re all going to state. Yeah, so that’s great. I had nothing to do with it, obviously. I was just a chaperone. But it was pretty cool. And I got the day off of work because I had a you know, chaperone kids in the golf course But this is what I thought was funny Last week I was riding back from Griffin, Georgia, and it was a beautiful day, and there were motorcycles out on the road, and the motorcycles liked to frequent this stretch of road that I was going down. And I was behind a couple guys on
motorbikes and I saw I I saw these and they do this all the time And I don’t know why I always forget about it, but these guys were in the oncoming traffic You know they put their little hand down and they kind of wave at the guys that in front of me and they you know how they do that. They’re just kind of like over biker bros I don’t know who you are, but you’re on a motorcycle. So you’re my brother. Yeah kind of thing So I thought you know what I’m gonna for the rest of
the ride home. I am gonna wave at every motorcyclist and and wave back at them, you know, because they were actually waving at the people in front of me.
Okay.
And so I thought this will be fun and I’ll have fun with it.
So is there a particular way to wave at a motorcycle?
So a lot of times what they do, cause you know, anybody that’s on a motorcycle, they’re automatically just cool, Right? And they don’t smile. They’re not like if I’m riding a motorcycle I’m having a good time. I’m smiling. I’m looking around.
I’m like, hey man I’m a puppy on
a bike. But these guys, you know, They’re just too tough and rough and I’m on a motorcycle and and the way that they do is they just kind of like so if You’re driving it’s gonna be your left hand and sometimes it’s just down here So they just kind of hold their hand out with 2 fingers
Oh, that’s pretty cool
kind of like that And then the guys on the other side of the road, they’re passing each other to just wave like that. That’s it. They just little wave as you’re riding by.
2 finger salute there.
Just kind of a 2 finger, yep. Just like a little thing. And it is cool. It’s fun. In fact, a long time ago, I was actually, in, in Tennessee and my uncle, he didn’t have motorcycles, but he had, he had scooters. They were scooters. I mean, they were just scooters. Like it’s
nothing to be ashamed of John
What it’s
nothing to be ashamed of
it’s well, it’s not but I mean
in the context of motorcycles It is but I mean
is right
if you if you had led with scooters, it would have been okay that’s why you’re feeling weird
that’s right that’s right exactly I feel less I feel a little bit emasculated yeah not being on a motorcycle full-on but anyways we were riding through these mountain trails and stuff And these other bikers were there and they gave me the wave. And I remember the first time it happened, I was like, I’m 1
of you. Oh, wow. They accepted you as 1 of their people.
They accepted me. And I think once they passed me and realized it was a scooter I was on and not an actual motorcycle, they might’ve had less idea of me. But I
don’t know. There are other hand signals they could have used to let you know that they took it back and they didn’t use it.
They could have. They could have given me the 1 finger salute
instead of
the 2. But it was cool. And you know there’s other communities of people, now that we’re on the topic, there’s other communities of vehicular drivers that actually wave at each other. Yeah. Jeep people do the same thing in my area. If you’re, if you drive a Jeep and you pass another person in a Jeep, They wave at each other.
Jeep people are weird.
They’re an interesting
crowd. Because they drive crappy cars and they think they’re awesome.
Oh yeah, I don’t mean like a Jeep Cherokee. I mean the Jeep Wrangler.
I know what you mean, but Jeep all the way across the board.
Yeah crap They modify those bad boys. Yeah, like oh man.
Yeah, I like the angry eyebrows Yeah, the most cuz it’s so overdone.
I kind of like the the eyelashes myself
I’ve seen them eclipses or whatever. You know, those kinds of cars with eyelashes.
Oh yeah. Yeah. I like
it in balls on trucks. Yeah.
I show you. See, that’s what I want to do.
I want to I drive a truck
I want to start driving around noon and and in Sonoya and just wave at people who are driving Dodge Rams Just that I don’t want to have the bumper the bumper things that you just mentioned Because I’ll have to take my wave back.
Have you seen the deal? I know you’re in the middle of your story. No, that’s it. Oh, really?
Yeah, because you know what happened when I was driving? I didn’t pass any more motorcycles.
Oh, okay.
I didn’t have anybody to wave at. So That was
the story. It could have been great.
It could have been a piece of it.
It could have. There’s a magical place, though, where John passed a buttload of motorcyclists.
And it was like a gang.
And he kept waving and they would wave and they would wave. And they must’ve been on some sort of intercom system because the wave spread up the line way ahead, miles ahead. And then they encircled his car like a protective secret service transport. And John got to ride down the middle lane as cars had to part in front of him and his escort all the way home from the
golf course. I was like the king. I was like the king of the motorcycles, except I was in a truck with, it had 4 wheels.
Was it, was it Fletch? Lives where he ended up in a biker bar and he pretended to be Harley Davidson.
Oh, that’s right. That was, I think that was the first
flat.
Okay. Yeah, that’s right. I was Harley Davidson. I’m Alfred Davidson. I’m the heir of the Davidson. They were all giving them
Oh, free drinks and whatever else. Yeah. You don’t talk about a guy we were talking. Who were you talking about earlier? What was his name? Jeff Goldblum, Jeff Goldblum, how in his older age, he has redefined himself and made himself attractive and relevant to a whole new generation of people. Chevy Chase is like the exact opposite of that. From what I understand, he is the meanest grouchiest, oldest man in the world. And he had such a chance with community. He was amazing. You ever watch community? I never watched. Oh Lord. Do I need to check it
out? Oh, John, John, seriously, seriously. Yes.
Okay.
I’ll community writing it down.
Find it, check
out community, find it and watch it. It is so good.
How many seasons is
it? I want to say 4. They’re talking about a movie coming out. Really? Yeah. It never hit its stride in its day, but it is so good. Obed.
I like Chevy Chase, but I hear that in real life. He’s just a jerk.
Yeah. And he was on this show. He was absolutely the worst, but
he wasn’t acting,
but in the, but in the show, he is amazing. He plays an amazing character. He’s the old man, the boomer of the group That doesn’t get any of the jokes that makes terrible references who slightly, if not horribly racist, he is, he’s amazing.
So he’s just being Chevy James.
Yeah. And Donald Glover’s in it, you know, Childish Gambino. He was in the Spider-Man movies. Oh, he got his hands zipped down to the he’s black dude. He got his hands down to the back of the car. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Donald Glover. Yeah.
Then yeah, the Tom the Tom Holland Spider-Man.
Yes. Yes. Yes. So anyway, it is. Oh,
man, I got ice cream in here.
Seriously. You, we’ll talk about fallout when I’m done with fallout, but, we need to talk. IT crowd, community, severance, Sherlock, they’re all in the same tier
with me. Wow. Yes. And community
is a comedy.
Yes. Okay, all right. Well, you’ve never steered me wrong
yet. I haven’t, dude. I am jealous of you that you’ve never seen. Community,
maybe I should,
because it’s up there with the office, with parks and rec. It’s like 1 of those that I just have to rewatch the whole thing once, you know, every 4, 3 or 4 years. Yeah.
Okay.
I don’t even know where it’s streaming at, but it’s worth paying for if you have to, but okay.
I’ll let Johnny find it for me.
We got a couple of stories. Shoe keys lost keys. I usually don’t title, but I was in a tiling mode and her name was shoe keys and shoe, shoe keys lost keys. I couldn’t help it. Okay. So it’s from Shuki. Hi, James and John. Before I start, I would like to thank you for making this podcast. I thoroughly enjoy listening to it.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah. So I was with my karate team. We had just gotten done competing and we had booked a reservation at a Chinese restaurant. Yum. So after we got done eating, the driver decides to go to the bathroom. So He takes the dump and we’re waiting for him.
He takes a dump. As there is the driver, does he say that, hey, y’all, I got to go inside and take a dump.
I got to take a dump. I’ll be back. Imagine just like he thinks he’s being really polite. Like, guys, just your attention, please. It’s going to be another 15 minutes. I have to take a quick dump and I’ll be right back to continue serving you on this trip. It’s like a pilot voice, you know, if you look out your left window, you’ll see that it’s 96 degrees and we’ll be arriving in just a bit right after I take a dump.
I’ll be passing you through the hallway and I will be headed to the laboratory to take a dump.
That’s right. Please remember not to form a line at the front lavatories.
All right.
That’s correct. So anyway, As there was paperwork, I had to be with him in the car. So after a couple of minutes later, he comes out with the most sheepish look on his face. And this is how the conversation went and add a funny voice if needed. So John, you play the bus driver.
All right.
Yeah, You do Southern. He tore up the bathroom. So I feel like he’s got a nice deep guttural, just cleaned out his bowels, kind of satisfied voice, But he’s also sheepish. So remember that and then I’m just gonna do manga girl.
Okay, okay
Okay. All
right. Hey Shooky
Yes Yes
We might have a slight problem here.
Yes? What is it?
I I flushed my car keys down the toilet.
Seriously? Are you kidding?
No, I’m not.
Do you have a spare?
No, I don’t.
So there we were.
I have betrayed you, Suki. I’m not worthy to drive y’all no where’s.
No. So there we were at the Chinese restaurant, no keys. And most of the people’s phones were dead. Oh my God. Only 2 of the people had phones that actually were charged. So we sat there in the parking lot as the restaurant had closed after several calls. We finally got a locksmith to come and open the door to the car and make a new car key. Oh my. But this took an hour for them to get there, not to mention the time that it took for them to make it. So at 10 at night, a group
of people standing around waiting for the locksmith. Finally, they arrived. They were truly heroes of the day. But the most unfortunate part was the cost. It costed $500 plus tax. But The bright side is I got ice cream. Bye.
Shookey to make it up for you. I’m a, I’m gonna buy some ice creams.
All right. We got a voicemail from Jeremy. It’s called Ken call. It goes something like this.
This is your favorite Spartan fan, Jeremy and Neverland. And I have another story from the town of Lebanon, Missouri where I have some family It seems nearly every time I would go down there to visit family I would go and hang around with my cousin we’d go to their church, right? And there was an evening thing we’re doing I can’t remember what day of the week was but I was there with my cousin And there was this girl and her friend that kept following around my cousin and I, and I’m just trying to be polite and
not just send her off. So I’m, you know, being polite, but I’m like, okay, she’s showing a little too much interest. It happened quite often with me where there’d be somebody, Oh, a city man. And at 1 point she asked me, is he your kin? Now, I told me a few times to understand what the world, is he your kin? Meant. Now I have actually shared this phrase with James before and he actually understood it exactly. Is he your kin? Which once I finally understood what she was saying, I said, oh yeah, Justin is my cousin.
Well, now after she learned that the very next morning She calls over to my great aunt’s house where we are staying looking for me To her I was like, no, the answer is we left this morning. We are gone on our way back to Kansas City, get her off the phone, I am not here. I was kind of shocked, surprised that she had that number and of course, because I told her that Justin was my cousin, she knew exactly where to find me and just couldn’t take a hint. So yeah, here’s another story of this 1
makes it on the show.
Yeah, I made it on the show. Yeah, it’s
kind of scary. Yeah.
Yeah. Sometimes there’s girls you don’t want their affections.
Yeah. I mean, yeah,
yeah, true. Like, like I’m married, So I don’t want anybody’s affections, obviously, except for my wife’s, you know? Yeah. And, But when I was younger, there was 1 young lady that you and I both knew from youth group. I don’t remember her name, so it’s fair to not say it, but we can call her Lucy. And Lucy liked every boy.
Every new person that showed up, right? Yeah. Because I think Lucy liked me at 1 point
Yeah, and then I came around and she liked me and I don’t like forward women either like I Don’t like girly girls, but I don’t like girls to be overly aggressive. Aggressive. Thank you. Yeah. So she walked right up to me with these gag, this gaggle of giggling girls behind her and just said, I like you. I like you. She has this accent and everything. And I was like, I don’t like you. And I just turned around and looked it out of there.
Oh, wait. She had an accent.
Yes.
Oh, I was thinking of a different person.
Oh, no, no. No, this girl had curly hair.
I know exactly
who you’re talking about. Like red, orange-ish
hair. Orange-ish?
Was there more than 1 of her?
Well, there was a girl that was a little bit my age, and then there was a girl that was a little bit older than you, I think. Okay. But she had siblings also.
Do you know what? My son says there’s a name that they have for girls like that. Have you ever
heard it?
No. They call them pick me girls.
Pick me girls.
Yeah. They’ll tell me girls. They’ll talk about somebody and they’ll say, Oh, yeah, she’s a pick me girl.
So that pick me girl. So I’m clear. And I understand is a girl who just is going to jump out in front of the next guy. Yes. Okay.
Pick me, pick me. Yeah.
You’re going to love me for real.
And that’s sad though, that it’s like so prolific now. You
know? Yeah. That’s kind of scary. Yeah. Is that a decline in our male population? It’s
a father issue.
Yeah. Oh, gotcha. You’re right. You’re right. Yeah. That’s why we have M46 for dads to teach their daughters and sons
at your church.
Yeah, actually it is from our church, but it’s actually it’s a national thing. The guy that started it goes to our church. Yeah. And it’s, you know, it’s growing and stuff.
I don’t join cults, but
you know, it’s kind of not much of a cult.
Sort of. Sort of. I mean, took, takes your firstborn, you know, but other than that, but
you’re a great parent afterwards,
right To the, to the remaining children, to
the remaining children. Yeah.
It really gives you that appreciation for them that you never had.
Right.
Get that first 1 out of the way. I mean, that’s what God wanted with Isaac, right? Just Take that promised child and kill him.
Dad Abraham was probably like, you know what? I’m OK with that. I’ll take this kind of this child up to the mountain and
sacrifice them. These things got to carry no goat all the way up here. You know,
yeah, he can carry the wood, too. Is that Are we making light of the holy scriptures? Are we going to get in trouble for
this? It is kind of a funny story because he must have been, I mean, how old was he when
he was like around 12?
Yeah, but how old was dad by the time
Abraham so he was I think he was like 99 when
when he had him Yeah, so he would have been 112 111 something like that
somewhere
and he gets the drop on a 12 year old and enough to tie him down to an altar. That’s pretty impressive.
And there’s definitely stuff going on there that we don’t understand or can’t think through because of
unless He took 1 of those pieces of wood and just whacked him upside the head first and then just drug him up on the altar.
Oh, my goodness.
And tied his hands and feet and like, Dad, what are you doing? Oh, scary.
I can’t even imagine that. I mean, I can’t even put myself in Abraham’s shoes because I’d be like, God didn’t tell me to take my child up onto the mountain and sacrifice. And that was the devil telling me to do.
And what did he tell his wife? Like, I’ll be back soon. Don’t you mean we’ll be back soon? I’ll be back soon.
I’ll see you later.
Hug your mom real good. Like real good.
Yeah. Give her a good squeeze.
Like lots and lots of hugs. Put extra effort into it. All right.
Hug her like it’s the last time you’re going to see her? Hypothetically. All
right. We want to also change the constitution and bylaws of our tribe to accommodate murder of our children.
OK,
sacrificing. Just because of the whole God thing.
I haven’t gotten the 10 Commandments yet, so we don’t really know what his stance is on that.
Right. So, yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I assume they had their own little rules somewhere.
Yeah.
Just carved out somewhere on a tent flap, you know, like don’t kill your son. Oh, I’m just going to mark. Why is this marked through?
It was an accident. It got erased somehow.
I don’t know how you face your dad after that. How do you face your son? You’re like, whoops, God changed his mind. Guess what? Now we have a Ram in the thicket.
Let’s dad.
I think it was just like, I got you, son. I got you.
Just a big joke.
I was like, data.
Were you just going to act like that didn’t happen?
Could you imagine the conversation afterwards? We
talk about this
They run down the mountain the little boy Dad’s like Abraham’s like don’t you say a word to your mother and he’s like running way ahead because you can He’s like
mom guess why? Guess what?
The divorce this man I
Am the promised child You’ve told me the stories. I know. I almost didn’t make it to my bar mitzvah. Whatever that’s supposed to be. 13, 13. Oh, if he was 12. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow. We should probably take all these stories. We can start a whole new podcast
and make it some vital stories
and just kind of look at them from all the directions. Yeah. The 21st century mind.
Yeah, we could. Well, thanks, Jeremy, for sending in. Thanks, Shuki and our Shuki rather and Shuki because it’s S-H-U-K-E. 2 words. Thank you, patrons. We appreciate you. I want to remind you about we’re both right. If you enjoy, you know, just hearing our podcasts, you’ll enjoy, we’re both right. It’s a lot of fun. It’s funny. It’s interesting and entertaining. And it’s genuine me. Also gospel of Kenison. It’s taken on a new spin in the last 6 or 7 episodes. And I like the direction it’s going. I think it’s more entertaining. It’s more uplifting. It’s more upbeat.
And if you’ve tried it in the past, try it again. And then thank you so much for your support and we’ll see you guys next time. Goodbye. Hey, welcome to stuff that didn’t fit on the show where we put stuff that didn’t fit on the show. John, I just enjoyed the heck out of recording that last episode. That was a lot of fun.
It’s always fun. The snakes were, that’s something that I can’t say on the other show and probably shouldn’t say here either, but you, you inferred it a couple of times.
About the trousers.
Yeah. Yeah. And the snakes and I just hope that some of our listeners just. Have minds that they do here towards the gutter.
They do. I’ve I’ve had enough of lunch with enough of them to know that they indeed do. But I would like to point out for once that I didn’t make the joke. John did.
I didn’t make a joke.
Angel Johnny boy is the 1. He is, He is becoming the bad 1 too. We can’t have 2 baddies on the show. You have to maintain the moral sanctity and let me take all the blame. So
I don’t even know what, what, John,
you are so full of crap. Okay. All
right. How’s your butt? Well, you could tell me before we started recording that you’re sitting on the phone.
That was private. No, I really wasn’t.
Don’t put that
in the show.
No, I, okay. So I used to be 300 pounds. I just need to tell you all of this and now I am 240. Okay. I have lost 60 pounds And it has enabled me to get a job and to do manual labor and to be on my feet. And it’s easy for me to get up and down off the floor, out of chairs, out of the car. I mean, it is miraculous and I’m not even done losing weight.
Keeps going.
It’s it. I, I take less time in the shower. I can reach my own anus with, with the soap. It is fantastic.
You said you can read your own name.
I wanted to use the biblical term. The medical term, whatever.
Who else are you going to reach with?
Well, I used to have to get pretty darn creative to get reached around. So just, just know that fat people suffer greatly.
I will.
I think I don’t know what other people do, but yeah, I’m not going to even go there. Okay. I’ll just say that now I’m probably a lot more presentable. Anyway, the point a
lot cleaner.
This is not the point about my butt. The point that I was trying to make to John is the weird ways that weight loss has shown up and been like, Hey, you lost weight. You know, it first it was pants, you know? And then there were these shorts that I couldn’t wear because I couldn’t get them more than there were 5 inches of Gap between the snaps, you know to where I couldn’t put them on now if I don’t wear a belt they slide right down Okay, so there’s stuff like that There’s my freaking wedding ring
that I haven’t worn for years because I couldn’t fit it on. And then if I did, I sure couldn’t get it off. So there are these little tiny miracles that are happening all the time because of this weight loss. But another way that it popped up randomly is I was going to sit on a concrete floor and I was going to do a video conference call with the doctor that actually did my bariatric surgery. And as I sat down, My butt bones hit that concrete and got cold. And that had never happened to me before. I
always sat on a nice big cushion apparently. And it was just a weird feeling. There’s pelvic bones, you know, We’re just right there. There was nothing but skin protected. It felt like a shin bone, you know So I I have a scrawny booty. Okay Let’s just
congratulate.
Let’s just leave it there. Yeah, cuz I’m not gonna do any measurements There’s no before-and-after shots.
So you didn’t take a before picture
of my butt a Belfi as we used to call them on
this show
Now I leave that to the Instagram ladies for that so So it’s time for us to do the weekly rewind. Let’s do that. Alright, so I am a terrible sports dad. Would you like to know why?
Yes, please.
Alright, So everybody knows James doesn’t like sports, right? So naturally all my kids play as many sports as freaking possible.
We’re going to try to separate ourselves from our dad’s identity. Anyway,
we’re going to rebel against his soul. So Jenna played soccer and when she was done with soccer She played volleyball and when she was done with volleyball she played basketball and so there was always something to do all year round, you know and Then Jay he swims he runs track and field and he runs Cross-country So my children are sports fanatics. Okay. So, But I hate going to the games. All right. So you think I just I do. I do it because I love my kids. I want to be supportive. I know that if I were
them, I would want my dad there. Okay. And they never need to know that I hate it.
I take it become patron.
I stay off my phone. I clap when I’m supposed to. I don’t understand half of the calls that are made. Like, how is there ever a foul in volleyball? I have never figured out 1, except I guess when the guy launches the ball, what do you call it? Serving. And he steps over the line when he’s not supposed to, I guess that’s 1. And then I think if you touch the net at a certain time, you can get in trouble. But anyway, that doesn’t make me a terrible sports dad. What makes me a terrible sports dad
is, is the other day we were at a volleyball game and, And the deal with volleyball games, I found out recently, I’ve been going to them for a while and I only found this out recently, is there can be as few as 3 volleyball games, but as many as 5 at any 1 time. Yeah. And so it just depends on who’s, how, how good, you know, if this team wins and that team wins and then the other team wins, it could stretch out until there’s a tiebreaker, right?
Like a set, yeah. So- Best out of 3, best out of 5.
So here’s the way it works for James. James wants 3 games. James wants the least amount of games. So when my son’s team lost the first time, I was like, aw, maybe they’ll come back, you know? Then they lost the second game, and then I switched sides. And I started cheering for the opposite team. Yeah. Come on guys. You can do it. You can do it. I didn’t say anything out loud. I still clap for the right team, but it was confusing. It was a little confusing for me because I was like I was wanting Jay
to do good But I didn’t want anybody else on the team to do good. That’s right He’s carrying this team by himself, but that’s why they can’t win and they did win the bad guys won. Oh And and I almost cheered but I kept it in
But you get to go
And I told him I was proud of him and I hugged his neck and then I got to go home. So I am a terrible sports dad.
I don’t think so, man. I don’t think that makes you tear a whole…
But sports dads give coaching advice from the side. They put all this pressure on their kids. Come on, hustle. You know, they’re screaming at them the whole game. I don’t do any of that fun stuff. I don’t
think that makes you a good dad.
I kind of do too, but because man, this kid’s,
they have a coach. Okay. Right. Right. The coach tells them to do all that. So the parents are kind of getting in the way,
but I don’t live vicariously through my child. You know, I don’t care if he, what place he comes in when he runs track, I, I’m just thrilled that he’s out there exercising and doing awesome stuff, stuff I was too scared to do when I was a kid.
So that’s what makes you a good sports dad.
I’m a terrible sports dad though. In my heart of hearts, there is a dark comparing
yourself to all those over Achieving sports dads and maybe but I don’t know none of my kids played sports. Oh, I mean they’re they don’t have any sports to play They’re at their school. So
is it too late to transfer my kid into homeschooling? He’s got 2 more years. I don’t think he would forgive me at this point.
Amy school, take them.
Okay.
You might need, He could come live with us and then I won’t go to the game.
All right. Here’s the deal. Here’s the freaking deal. All right. You need to go buy a whole bunch of Harry Potter crap and put it up around your house. And then I will send you a PDF of an invitation letter that I need you to mail
via an owl.
Yes. Somehow there’s got to be owls in Georgia that deliver here still.
I’m sure there are. Okay. Might be a pigeon.
You know what? If it just showed up under the door, he would imagine that an owl must’ve brought it. So let’s nix the owl. Let’s just somehow, heck, I could fake, I could forge everything. I will even do a wax seal. I’ll carve a wax seal or buy it on Amazon and we will put him on a train. It’ll be Amtrak, but that’s America, you know, that’s that’s right. That’s the Hogwarts Express of America
They come to Atlanta.
Yes, they do. All right Guys, if we’re gonna make this happen, we got to get just set up on fire starter again Raise that money on fire starter
go fund me Kickstarter
We can make this happen we could get
have a spare room
I don’t have to be a sports dad at all if you’ll just help.
Then you’ll be an empty nest.
I know you’re all doing so much for the show, but you’re not doing quite enough. Come on.
Now you’re sounding like 1 of those sports, dad.
There we go. Hustle, hustle, patrons, hustle. You can do it. Just $50 a month. I’ll add you to my prayer list. We’ll just go that direction. Do you want to be a part of my prayer list? I’ll pray
for you.
$50 a month and you can be part of the GOK prayer list.
That’s right.
Because that’s a different podcast. So that’s the 1 we talk about Jesus unapologetically.
Do you send out spiritual tokens?
I don’t. I don’t. I do send out stickers.
Pancrachiffs and
gospel kennis and stickers.
Hey man, you do that for this show. In fact, our listeners to this portion of the show right now, probably
they have stickers. I make sure everybody gets taken care of.
Everybody gets,
you know, they even started a thing on Patreon, right? Where people that were at a certain level of giving, once they achieved a certain amount of giving, would get a coffee mug, right? And there was a lot of people That had already surpassed that goal and they weren’t gonna get that perk So I went and I freaking bought a buttload of Coffee mugs and I mailed them out to each 1 of those people
Well, that’s cool. Yes a story show coffee mugs.
Yep You don’t even have 1 do you know? I don’t Make sure you get 1
when you come here. Okay. How long ago was that?
A few months. Really? That’s cool. Yeah. I take care of my people.
How you do? How you do? Let it be said and known that James Kennison is the great father, not great grandfather, but it’s a great father of that story show.
Oh my gosh.
I feel a song coming on.
Do you? You’re a good, good father.
See, I don’t know any church songs, so that’s lost on me. Okay. Can you sing a little more though, just because it was so good? It’s who you are. It’s who you are. Oh, I have heard that 1.
You’re a good, good father. Yes, you are. You are. Oh, and I’m loved by you.
It’s who I am.
It’s who I am.
Yeah, it’s it’s it’s 1 of the many songs in the new trade at church where we sing about us instead of God.
Oh, well, that one’s kind of actually is singing about.
Yeah, but then it’s Then it’s got to
throw a little us worship in there too.
Yeah, it’s about how awesome I feel because of you, you know, and I don’t think it’s all wrong, but like the I am a friend of God song. He calls me friend. There is nothing in there that worships God at all. It’s just
like, are you just a great God? Cause you call me Fred.
Yeah. My dad’s bigger than yours. My dad’s bigger than yours. My dad’s bigger than yours. He is my dad. So yeah, that’s, that’s that song to me. Yeah. It’s like, if you sang it to a non-Christian, that’s what they would hear. You know? So,
yeah, well, I have my own thoughts on modern work, modern worship, modern
warfare, modern call of duty too.
And I don’t want to offend anybody with
no, I don’t mind though, because I, my opinion is so freely given that nobody gives a crap. They’re just like, that’s James’s opinion. And they’re fine with that. They’re fine. James has weird opinions. I don’t know enough worship songs. I haven’t, I’ve been a micro church for freaking 10 years. We went, the first time we walked in, darkened the door of a church was last Sunday of a real church. We went to a church. Yeah. And there I’ve, there’s 2 kinds of churches. There’s, there’s churches that keep the lights on and there’s churches that turn the
lights off.
Oh, like during the
like during the worship. You know what I’m talking about? You know, and I’ve been to a lot of churches that keep all the lights on, but this church is a church, it’s a modern church, so it keeps the lights off and they have a hazer and they have lights that go down. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s really cool. And I really like it. I prefer dark because it’s easier to see my phone.
Truth comes out.
Yeah. I don’t care. Otherwise,
as long
as I can see the words on the screen, I’m fine. But yeah, I think it’s a little more obvious that I’m on my phone playing plans versus zombies during the sermon, but you know,
no, They don’t know that you’re not reading the Bible.
That’s exactly right. That’s exactly right. That’s what I want you to think. That’s why I shout amen and hallelujah once in a while, whenever the zombie is destroyed by the peace shooter. Amen. Amen. So, you
know, since we’re on the topic, and this has been a pet peeve of mine and I shouldn’t let it be 1, but you know, I call it pastoral insecurity.
Okay.
When, when a preacher is up there preaching and then they have to say, amen.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Agree with me. Just say, amen. Like I think how many, cause I mean, I have a professional pastoral degree,
right?
I couldn’t do that. I mean, I like to hear feedback. And if I want to get feedback, I’ll ask a person what they think, you know,
or actually say something that would emote back from the audience and amen.
Yeah. It’s like when it gets too quiet, The pastor has to say, and I’m not just saying my pastor does it. III hear lots of people in my denomination do that. And I’m just like, Oh, come on.
That’s like a comedian saying, that was a joke.
Laugh now.
Yeah. Wasn’t that funny? Huh? Can I get a laugh?
Take me seriously. I studied this sermon for minutes before I just started. I’m just kidding.
Well, that’s the thing. He must have practiced in front of the mirror and got a, he was like, oh, 0, that’ll get an amen. And then it didn’t. It doesn’t
get it. So they like, amen.
It’s like a joke that fell flat. Yeah.
And then in like, when they start doing it during announcements, that’s just like, okay, I’m checking out.
What are we praying? The announcements have to be spiritual. We’re all going
to get together down at the gathering place. We’re going to have a potluck. Amen?
Amen. We’re going to have Narthexcon 2020 on June 29th. Amen. You need to go to narthexcon.com and sign up. Amen.
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Oh, anyways, I got a, I got a weekly update.
Well, hold on. I have to, I have to crap on pastors now too.
Okay. We might have to not release this episode.
I hate it when pastors or anybody up at a pulpit says turn to your neighbor and say, because I have a thing I never turn to my neighbor and say,
I don’t care.
I’ll turn into you. I never turn. I never look. They may look at me and say it. I absolutely face forward. I’m stowed cold against turn to your neighbor and say anything. I’m just it’s not necessary.
Why, why do they do that? You think I mean,
I don’t know. I know when I used to do it in children’s ministry. Well, that’s the thing in children’s ministry. It makes sense because you’re trying to reiterate
a point or you’re trying to reinforce a value or whatever. But I mean, I’m not, I’m not in middle school. I act like I’m in middle school, but I’m not in middle school anymore.
I’m a grown man. I’m a grown man. I only used to do it in children’s ministry, to be honest. It was 1 of my methods to get the crowd when the crowd, when the whole crowd was too loud. I’d say, everybody turn to your neighbor and say, shh. And they would love it. They would turn their neighbors and go, and then I had them, you know, I try
you go grasp their attention. Yeah.
Rather than everybody be quiet police. So I can talk because I’m a bad George pastor and I don’t know how to maintain order from the stage. No, I would just say, everybody turn to your neighbors and say, shh. And they loved it and it was great. And they would shut up and they’re always focused on me.
So I guess pastors now do it when they see too many cell phone glows on their.
Turn to
your neighbor and say, Jesus loves you and has a text
to your neighbor and say, get off your phone. All right. What’s your update? Sorry.
Okay. I’m going to be a
mega church pastor and,
I’m sorry. I, I see too many of those on my feed and it’s here. We’re still talking pastors. Okay, but these pastors of big churches, they’re like, I don’t know, they’re like all the same, except we’re in different clothes. Yeah. But like their, their, their words, their inflections, their pauses, their it’s, they’re like all the same. I don’t get it. But anyways, I’m sure I do get it. Here’s my weekly update and God forgive me if I’ve been big grudgingly against the, his anointed.
No, no, no. I didn’t know you were done. I thought you were doing your weekly updates. So I shut up. So let me just give you some backup on that. There is a type of personality and a type of person that attracts a lot of people. And that’s why you’re seeing these people rise to the top because they’re a personality and big churches are always based on a personality unless it is a person that is truly and deeply spiritual and they’re attracted to the grace that that person gives. I’ve only seen that happen 1 time in
1 mega church and that was my old church, Sheffield Family Life Center. He did not have the personality. He was old as butt, but he loved people. He accepted people. He had grace for people and he loved people like Jesus loved them and that brought in the numbers
it
brought in the souls is what it did brought
in the soul
not the numbers But anyway, so there you go John I support you and I understand what you meant. So go ahead
Well, okay that that makes sense. It makes a lot of sense actually. It’s I don’t know that that’s biblical for churches to follow that model, but,
Hey, there’s a lot of ear tickling going on these days, John, and that is biblical. So
That’s certainly a sign of the times before we become a different
religious podcast
Let’s let me tell you about my weekly update so Here I am I work with kids and stuff all the time and depending on what part of the campus I go to I Have a nickname and I realize this really the other day.
Yeah multiples or 1
I have multiple nicknames
depending on where you’re at in the building
depending on where I’m at on this campus. So, oh wow. You know, we’ve got 5 different buildings on this particular campus and on the other campus, we have a little place. But so I’ve been working with some of these kids for as long as coming up on 12 years. So the kids that were in kindergarten when I started as the kids pastor at the church, who also served as the chaplain for the school, I’ve known them since, you know, they’re graduating this year.
Some of
them. So some of the kids that were in my pre-k in kindergarten Years and years ago. I used to have this monkey that I would you know It’s a puppet monkey that I would make and he would talk to the kids and stuff like that and teach him stuff And so those kids call me monkey man
monkey man. What voice did the monkey have?
With the monkey have What voice did the monkey have? What the monkey have?
What voice did the monkey have?
Okay, the monkey, he sounded kind
of like this. And see, I have to, I have to, you know, do it like the monkey would because, he, you know, I got to make it look like I’m not talking. See? So that’s, that’s what the monkey sounded like.
So Larry boy.
Yeah. Kind of. Yeah, it really was. I mean, it was kind of on the spot in the moment and that’s what stuck.
I only have 1 puppet voice. So
what’s, what’s, Oh, you want
to hear mine? Hey, my name’s scripture, man.
The scripture
scripture, but victory verse. Did you say victory verse? Is it from the Bible? The BIBLE. Yes. That’s the book for me. I love those victory verses. What’s today’s? He’s a swat. Every time he heard victory verse, he would, he would say that entire thing. And Jen would go mad because Jen played the straight person and she was like, okay, let’s do our victory verse. Dang it. You know, victory verse. Did you say victory verse?
That’s great. It was kind of sounds like a little bit of a drill sergeant kind of a.
Yeah. I don’t know. He’s like, yeah, I don’t know. And then I guess Jojo, Jojo the Christian clown. He’s a totally different guy. He’s not a puppet though. He’s a real man.
Yeah,
he’s single ladies
Okay, well so some of the kids that call me monkey man are no
middle schoolers,
okay Yeah so they’re middle schoolers and then it’s kind of trickled down in some of the elementary because they have seen the monkey too because Their older siblings have told them about I don’t know how they know about it But I got a group of kindergarten not kindergartners first graders first and second graders that heard me do Donald Duck once Oh, And so now they call me Donald. So when I walk
through the… Hi Donald!
Anyways… It’s a terrible Donald Duck impression. But they like it. And so I walk through those halls and if they’re in the hall, they’re like, I hate Donald. And of course I have to, you know, greet them, I guess.
Right, right.
But yesterday- You
don’t want to flip them off or something.
Yeah. I’m
sick of this. This got old like last year.
I’m not, I’m not Donald. Okay.
Kids, leave me alone. I’m a person. I’m not a family. I have a past. I existed before you. I even have a mortgage. Come on.
But so the yesterday I went over to our other campus where there’s kids that I don’t interact with really at all. Like in fact, when I walk in the rooms, they’re like, who are you? You know, kindergarten and pre-k kids are, it’s all
the weird.
You’re a stranger. But what was that?
I did the Adams family thing and I was like, I just imagine it’s all the weird kids that wear black and they got cobwebs in the classroom. You know, that kind of thing. I just avoid them.
No. Well, I walked into a kindergarten class and, you know, after they, they kind of did their inquisitary glances or whatever, they, they started calling me a dust fairy. Why? Why? I don’t know what that means, but they said, hey, it’s dust fairy. And I’m like, why are you calling me dust fairy? And I don’t know where it comes from. I don’t know why it comes from anything. But apparently the dust fairy brings chocolate
and
I had no chocolate to give those kids. So now I have a new nickname and when those kids get over on this campus, hopefully they don’t remember calling me the dust fairy.
Okay. So there are fairy dust figurines in some of the Studio Ghibli things, but everything else is a dust fairy cleaning service.
You know, I didn’t even try Googling it. A dust fairy. Oh no, there’s a picture of me on Google John That’s
actually a really nice picture. So That’s dust fairy.
Yeah, it’s all fairy dust, but oh wait, it actually Google is recommending, you know how it recommends stuff is right here. It says, what is dust fairies? Dust fairies are known to attend every arrival by sprinkling pixie dust on a broken piece of laughter, changing it into a new fairy or Sparrowman.
Dang. They have high expectations for you at that school.
Yeah, I
guess so. You better be getting a raise if you’re getting this dust fairy job. You got to put that on your business card.
Man, I might have to talk to the headmaster about that.
Make yourself some freaking wings as some tool and some wire coat hangers, I dare you. Just walk in there and do something and then leave. Like literally 5 seconds. Just walk in, like look like you’re checking a computer and then just walk right back out and Before they can even say anything. Oh
Man they were little tiny wings on my back.
Yes, and
they’ll only see him when I turn around and
when you turn around to leave
Oh my goodness
But to make it even better, come in with
Feather duster and dust something and then turn around and walk out. Oh man. I mean, that’s to take it to the next level. That’s that’s because you would have to go to the store. You’ve got to go to the store anyway to get the tool. So Might as well, right? Yeah. Oh man. But you could use construction paper and make wings and then, and just bull crap your way through it if you want. But I’m just telling you, my inner children’s pastor would have to go to Hobby Lobby and get some freaking tool and bend some
wire. Oh, Because I would want to wiggle my shoulders on the way out, you know, to make the wings go, you know, like in Scrooge when the ghost of Christmas present, I think it is that she’s like, sometimes you have to wake up and I’m gonna punch you or whatever, you know, I don’t know. Yep, I remember her. Now your cheeks are all rosy and she and yeah, she would wiggle her wings around. It was great. Yep. So all right, We do have some stories. This is, should we skip them and save them for next week?
I don’t know. I say we do. 29 minutes and 39 seconds. I think this is enough. I think they’ve had enough. I am so sorry, Patroners. I don’t ever want this show to be so hard to listen to because you’ve got too much to listen to. Oh, I got a trudge to this. We’ll stop it in 30 minutes, alright? We love you guys enough to care, okay? And we’ll save these stories. And we’ll see if John has the guts. Oh, we’ll see if he has the trouser snakes to follow through. I had to say it. I
had to freaking get it in there before we were done. I hope they listen to the episode before they listen to this. Oh man. Oh, we love you guys. See you later. Bye!
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