It’s me. JoJo. I crept into James’ studio and recorded an episode. Support me on Patreon. I got bills.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Well, hello, there. This is that story show where the funny stuff happens and the spotlights get put on the funny stuff? It’s episode 448, brought to you the week of September Eighth, 2023. I am Jojo, the Christian
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Clown. Yes. Amen. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. All right. Yeah. Let’s make some more clapping clap all over the place.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Clapping, clapping clap. All right, so I have to tell you a secret. I wandered into James’s house, and I found it empty. And so I let myself down into the basement, and I found a studio with a microphone and everything set up to go. And so I sat down and there was some show notes, and I made a few slight altercations. But I hope that you will find this very entertaining and that God will be pleased and that you will find salvation in your dark and dirty heart. Okay, so it’s just me by myself. John’s not here because he is probably being an angel somewhere.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Because that man, let me tell you, compared to him, I am but a lowly speck of God’s spittle on the side of a monster that doesn’t even exist. That’s what I am compared to that angel boy. He is so precious. He is precious in the sight of God. He is precious in the sight of the angels. He is so amazing and so great and so bald that he makes all of the Christian clowns quake in fear. I mean, I even heard that he was a Christian clown himself back in college. And he even broke up with a girl in costume as a Christian crown because she was probably trying to tantalize him with her wily ways.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
And we can’t have that. So I’m so proud of John, and I miss him greatly. If I wasn’t sneaking into somebody’s house, I would probably contact him and then he would probably contact the authorities. But anyway, I’m your host, Jojo the Christian clown. I hit the wrong button. It was supposed to be more clapping because I love it when people clap for me. Sometimes when I do children’s parties, the kids clap. And it’s so great.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
It’s so great. The parents don’t like it, but I do. We have an opening story. This one’s called Heaven’s Angel. And it comes from Wigby, the Christian clown. He’s one of my friends. He’s a great friend and a great prayer partner. Recently, he says, I embarked on a mission to train a sweet poodle named Angel AW to perform tricks on a ball.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I believe that together we could create an act that would bring joy to many hearts. Day in and day out, we poured our efforts into training. But alas, it seemed that angel just couldn’t master the tricks, no matter how hard we tried. Oh, goodness. In a moment of despair, I turned to prayer. OOH, that should be a brand new T shirt. In a moment of despair, I turned to prayer. Seeking guidance and strength from the Lord, I fervently prayed that things would work out for good, trusting in his divine plan.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
But the following day, tragedy struck. Angel was tragically hit by a car and left this world, leaving me heartbroken and questioning why things had unfolded this way. That is a sad story. This is supposed to be a funny story show. I had prayed for a positive outcome, yet I felt like my prayers had gone unanswered. But in the midst of my grief, an unexpected opportunity emerged. I was blessed with a chance to acquire a brand new dog, a smarter and larger one named Goliath. With a mix of emotions, I said goodbye to angel, who was not very well trained, cherishing the memories we had together, even though they weren’t that great, and I welcomed Goliath into my life.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
What an astonishing turn of events had been. Goliath not only quickly mastered the twix I had hoped to teach angel, but also possessed a remarkable strength that allowed him to pull heavy weights around on the stage. It was a true miracle, and I couldn’t help but raise my voice in a resounding hallorujah. Our act had been improving beyond my wildest dreams, and I see the potential to be even bringing more joy and inspiration to those that we entertain and minister to. Yet amid this newfound blessing, a shadow of fear wrinkles over my heart. I pray daily that no harm will befall Goliath. I hope and pray that no one will ever throw a stone at Goliath’s head and take away yet another beloved but better Twain companion. Hope this makes it on the oh, let me see.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
There we go, Wigby. The christian crown. But that was an awesome story. Wigby. I just don’t think you should live in fear. You should always pray. What did you say? You said out of despair. You turn to prayer when you have despair about Goliath.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Even though he was a bad guy in the Bible and did get hit in the head with a stone. And he did die. And David did chop off his head and carry it around for a while, I think, in a bag, probably like an Ikea bag, one of those big ones with the handles that you have to pay like $3 for. That would be the most convenient way. And it’s planet friendly. I forgot what I was saying. So we’re going to move on to some News Nuggets.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Ow. That hurt my little tiny ears. Anyway, Ashley Fleming was arrested for attempting to steal a Bible from a Georgia Bonjour Noble. Now, I’ve never been in Bonjour Noble because they have Harry Potter books there, but apparently Ashley Fleming was on a mission from God to steal a Bible. But if you steal a Bible, doesn’t that kind of undo the goodness of the Bible. You have a Bible that says do not steal, but then you steal it. I mean, can it do you any good? I guess it can if it’s a KJV version, because that joker is flawless. She was 23 years old, and she lived in Powder Springs, Georgia, and she got arrested on April 26 for stealing the Good Book from Barnes and Noble.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
The Good Book is right, and the Bad book was probably right next to it. Harry Potter and the Pokemon series. She was charged with a misdemeanor shoplifting. I’ve been charged with misdemeanors for ministering inside of restaurants, but we won’t talk about that. According to an arrest warrant obtained by the Duental Journal Constitution. Sounds liberal to me. Fleming was released on a $1000 bond. OOH, I would like to get a wonder if I could get arrested.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
She could have avoided the whole thing, though. See, that’s the thing that troubles me is she could just go to any church and steal a Bible out of the back of the pew along with a hymn book if she wants, and nobody would say a thing. This pastor says that we believe that God’s Word should be given freely. So if someone comes to our Bible place and needs a Bible, we are happy to give them a copy of God’s Word. So that’s a very good ending to a very sad story about a lady that wanted a Bible so bad she stole it. Oh, goodness. That’s why you can’t go to Barnes and Noble, because their Harry Potterness will make you get arrested. I also have a bit of news about a friend of mine.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
His name is Mac Wilford, and he was known more locally and as my friend, as Serpent pastor because he was a snake holder snakeholder. You go to his church and they sing and they talk about how serpents you would be able to take them up and not get stung. It’s in the Bible. And so they prove it every Sunday by taking snakes, poisonous ones, out of boxes and holding them and kissing them, I think, sometimes, and putting them around their necks and passing them around like offering baskets, and they don’t get bit. And it shows that they are super awesome and super spiritual. You should find a snake handling church today. Unfortunately, he got bit and died. This was in West Virginia where there’s a lot of snake handling churches for some reason, but he died of a rattlesnake bite.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
He had just turned 44 years old. We had just had his birthday just the other day. He turned 44. He’s still young, tons of years left to handle snakes, but a snake bit him, and I don’t even know why. The snake had been in the family for years. He had been to plenty of services and truly had probably become a good snake because of all the church that he went to over the years. But I don’t know. I don’t know.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I’m torn. Because snakes, it talks about you could hold them in the Bible. But also, a snake told Eve to eat an orange, and she did it, and then she tricked that old Adam into doing it. And that’s the reason why we have wolverines and bad monsters that live in the outback. So it’s Eve’s fault. But a snake tricked her, kind of, but she listened. So women are the devil is basically the point I’m trying to get across. All right, we have some listener email.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Do we have anything to play for? No. No, we don’t. I will make a sound dumb. DA dum dum dum dum DA DA. All right, here we go. Dear Jojo, the Christian crown, I hope this message finds you in high spirits. I am in high spirits, but the only spirits I’m high on is the holy spirit. I wanted to take a moment to express my heartfelt aborigination for the I have to sound this out.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Incredible. Oh. Incredible work you do as a Christian crown. Oh, thank you so much, George. And God loves you. You are truly the best example of what a Christian crown should aspire to know. I know. Anyway, your fame has spread far and wide, and rightfully so.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Your performances are nothing short of amazing, bringing joy, laughter, and a sense of unity to everyone fortunate enough to witness your talents. Wow. This must be from a fan. Your dedication to your craft and your unwavering commitment, spreading positivity and faith through your performances is truly inspiring. I know, right? It’s crazy. I know that you didn’t write this email yourself, but it’s important that your exceptional contributions do not go unnoticed. Your work as Jojo the Christian crown is a beacon of hope in a world that can often use a widowmore white and wafto. Keep up the fantastic work.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Jojo. Your example serves as a reminder of the power of faith, love, and wafter in our lives. Thank you for bringing so much happiness and inspiration to the world. With warm regards, Josh Hagen. Sable. Josh hagen sable. Yes. Thank you, Josh Hagen sable for that email that I definitely did not write myself at all.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I just love that you said that I bring laughter to your wives. I love that part of the email because I love wives, and anytime I can contribute to your wives, I will do that, because wives are beautiful, they are precious, they are lovely, and I would like to get to know your wives as much as possible in the future and bless them with my presence. Thank you for telling me that I bring laughter to your wives. All right, we have a couple of announcements that apparently James put on here. Hats are available, but we’re not going to talk about where, because we are not going to turn this ministry into a house of thieves. We’re going to flip over some tables up in this piece, flip them over and flip them right back up. So who cares about the hats? It says here, subscribe to that story show on YouTube. YouTube? What’s YouTube? Just ignore that part.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
And then there’s a theme show coming up about tears and fears. The fears and tears and all that. At least it’s not beers, because I know James. He’s a sucker for a beer. Send in your stories and make sure you do it. Because that way, if I get caught, I will at least have brought in a few stories about tears and fears and tears. So there we go. Now it’s time for a word from our sponsors.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
All right, now that that devilishness is over, it’s time for us to do some listener stories. All right, this one is called Godless Goat. And it is from Silly Sammy. Here we go. Once upon a time, I was a cheerful clown known as Silly Sammy. I had built a reputation for my vibrant costumes, hilarious tricks and a heart full of good intentions always ready to turn a child’s birthday party into an unforgettable experience. That sounds good. Except you didn’t say anything about Jesus.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
One Sunday afternoon, I received a request to perform at the Smith family’s birthday party. Eager to make the day special, I decided to bring along my pet goat, Sparkles. You have a pet goat? Don’t you know about goats? Thinking it would add an extra layer of amusement to the festivities I brought along Sparkles. As the day of the party arrived, Sparkles and I donned our most cutifier attire and made a grand entrance. Why are you wearing a tire? I don’t understand. That. Bicycles, cars and trucks, they need a tire. Are you talking about Quos? Quos? Didn’t just say quos.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
What are you, some kind of smart alec clown? Anyway, you need to humble yourself, like me. At first, everything seemed to be going splendidly. The children giggled as they watched my goofy antics and Sparkles planced around with an air of mischief. I know he did, because he’s of the devil. But then, as I attempted to pull a bright bouquet of flowers from my hat sparkles began to act strangely. His eyes growed with eerie red light. Oh, my gosh. I knew it.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I knew it. His innocent breeds turned to sinistered wafter. The children’s wafter gradually transformed into nervous titters and their smile faded. To everyone’s shock, Sparkles jumped onto the party table sending cake and snacks flying in all directions. Chaos ensued as the once happy children screamed in fear. I desperately tried to control my demonic goat but Sparkles was beyond my control. So you got to watch this stuff. You got to stay on top of it.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
You got to keep track of what’s the good animals and the bad animals and snakes and goats are bad. The parents watched in horror as their children were exposed to this unexpected evil. In their desperation, they wished they had hired a christian clown. You’re not a Christian clown. What are you emailing my show for? Someone who knew how to keep malevolent creatures like Sparkles away from their celebrations. See, that’s what I knew. That’s what I knew. I would have not done that.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I would have kept him far away in a dumpster. The nightmare eventually ended when Sparkles was safely contained. But the damage had been done. The children, traumatized by the goat’s unholy antics, returned home with darkness in their hearts. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. I feel drawn to where is you from. You didn’t put where you’re from.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I can’t go to you. I, too, was troubled by the evil that it entered those innocent souls. And I watched as the smith parents turned to their local church, begging the pastor to count out the demons that seemed to possess their little. And see, that’s not going to work because unless the pastor is a Christian crown see crowning brought in the devils and the demons and the evil and you have to use a crown to get them out. They were begging their pastor to cast out the demons that now seemed to possess their little ones. In their newfound devotion, they sought solace and hope, determined to quench their children’s hearts from the malevolent influence of that ill fated birthday party. And that evil goat. That stinky, nasty goat.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Devil goat. You better have gotten rid of him because man wet eyes oh, you can return him for a full refund. And so my story became a cautionary tale in the neighborhood. I can never work again. It serves as a stock reminder that when it comes to children’s entertainment, it’s best to stick with performers who are truly committed to bringing joy and positivity such as Christian crowns who understand the importance of keeping darkness at bay. That’s my story. Hope it makes it on the show. Silly Sammy.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Silly Sammy. You need to get straight with Jesus right now. You need to bow your heads and say, jesus, please forgive me for owning a goat and save my soul. And then maybe you could go over there and get the devil out them children. Ain’t nobody got time for that. All right, we got one more story. Hamburger havoc. I used to be a crown, but not the kind you typically picture with joyful colors and a heart full of laughter.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Oh, goodness. It’s another not Christian crown. I wore a white face paint with rosy cheeks and a bright red mouth. Donning. A yellow jumpsuit and oversized red shoes. I think I know this guy. My role was to dance around on television commercials promoting hamburgers to children with fake smiles and exaggerated gestures. No, he’s somebody else.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Not who I was thinking of, but deep inside, I was far from happy. You see, I had chosen show business over my true calling as a Christian crown. And I had once felt a divine moment beckoning me back to the path of faith. It happened during an odd encounter with a large purple man, aptly named after a negative facial expression. He and I were discussing chicken nuggets for a commercial shoot when a strong, unmistakable field wing came over me. It was as if the Lord himself was telling me to share the gospel with my purple friend to guide him toward the white. But I hesitated, letting the opportunity slip away, consumed by my earthly desires and fears. Since that day, a feeling of despair has lingered in my soul.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I feel as though I have been cursed forsaking my true purpose. I long to love God more and be a messenger of his grace. I need redemption. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. In my darkest hour, I am reaching out to you, Jojo, the Christian crown, a beacon of light and faith in my life. I beg you to pray for my soul, to intercede on my behalf and help me find my way back to the path I have abandoned. I know that only through the grace of God and the guidance of true believers like Jojo can I hope to recover my purpose and serve the Lord as I was meant to.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Hope this makes it on the show. Juan. Juan, I’m going to pray for you right now. Lord, please bless Juan. Please forgive him for ignoring his calling to you and that he should have been doing all along. Please help his friend, the purple guy, to find out about Jesus, even though Ron didn’t do his job right. I don’t know who this guy is, but he sounds like he’s a mess, so please clean him up. Help wand to survive in this wicked, wicked world.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
And if he’s read Harry Potter, please. Well, you can’t really forgive that, so hopefully he hasn’t read it. Amen. Well, today we have to pick out a contest winner. The contest winner today is me, Jojo, because I need the cash for ties and offwings because my phone is turned off and it doesn’t wing. Therefore, they’re called offerings. You get it? I’m glad you did. Hey.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
This show is brought to you by our patrons. And they are patrons because they give and support even though they don’t have to. So get your show perks like ad free listening swag and weekly bonus content. Audio@patreon.com that storyshow. And if you’re more of a one time donation person, then send a lemon to me@nlcast.com. Women’s are the best in the whole world. I wish I had one right now. I would kiss it right on the face.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Oh, I love me some women’s. Anyway, it’s time for us to go. We’ll see you guys next time. I hope this music’s not so loud that James comes in. Submit your story at thatstory show. Yeah, that’s right. And you can also find links to our Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and our discord chat on the website. If you love the show, and I don’t know why you wouldn’t.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Today, spread the love by leaving a review in itunes. Talk about how awesome I was. So if James catches me, he won’t kick me in the pants. Special thanks to our producers james Spangle, Kerry Wright and Christopher Tynewiner. And remember, if something weird, glorious, awesome or loving happens to you, don’t get depressed, don’t get stressed. Unless you’re not a Christian clown and say, this belongs on that Jojo show. We’ll see you guys all in the future. I gotta get out of here.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
See? Oh, I hear something coming.
James Kennison:
Jojo, what are you doing in my house?
JoJo the Christian Clown:
I’m just praising the Lord.
James Kennison:
Get out of my house right now. Get out of here, you dumb you stupid clown.
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Oh, my goodness don’t hit me. Don’t hit me.
James Kennison:
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, how you doing? It’s James.
James Kennison:
I guess the End music’s playing. I just need you to ignore everything that you’ve heard before this. Oh, goodness. This is live. It’s already on the RSS feed. I can’t remove it. I can’t. Jojo, what did you do?
JoJo the Christian Clown:
Oh, goodness.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download