216: The G-Rated F-Bomb

Bonnie thanks us for not using the F-Bomb… so we make our own version… rated G.

This week’s stories: James kinda apologizes to California. John has a not-so-evil twin, Hulu is showing Olivia Wilde commercials, Johns son says the f-bomb, James forwards his wife a distressing message, “Youth and Children did it okay!”, James tries to discuss female issues with is wife without the kids knowing “demonstrating men”, John doesn’t want your poison lawn care, James says the stupidest thing in front of the school principal, braved the award’s ceremony from hades, and a lady take forever to give away $500. We ask folks to fill in the following: “If you _________, you’re an idiot.” Elizabeth makes an “out of water” sign. Mandee enjoys our lack of f-bombs and her niece promises not to twerk at church, someone is so ashamed of their no-t.p. story they send it anonymously, Keith’s sons press more than they should testing out the cold chill of a plate glass window. Then we hear from John and Veronica via voicemail. John’s upset that we didn’t pay him $5 to say “Kicked in the Jounk!” and Veronica finds that the Temp Agency is pretty flippant with people’s urine samples. Plus an extra-long Recap-song!

Links Mentioned:


Transcription (30mins)

James: It’s a perfect night for recording.

John: It’s a beautiful night for recording.

James: Beautiful night for an apology too. I have to apologize to California.

John: Why?

James: Because California came out with a vengeance.

John: Did they?

James: No, they were very nice, and they were the first to say, “Yes, we do have some weirdoes in California.” They were not shy about pointing that out, but they did want me to go ahead and designate specifically what I hate about California. It’s not the people, even the person I saw when I was in LA. Remember the butterfly looking dude that we were eating lunch next to, with your brother?

John: Oh, wow, the guy with the pig whistle, or something like that?

James: Yeah, he had butterfly wings on him, and all kinds of stuff. I think he was even tattooed.

John: Yeah!

James: Maybe he had butterfly wings put on his eyelashes or something. Yeah, I don’t hate all those people, I just specifically hate the fact that because of your state, there is an “E” behind grille, and that your food is nasty. That your California grille… California, the name, has come to mean for me lots of crap on stuff. Like organic means for me that there is dirt in it, and California cuisine, or California pizza, or California, California, just means we put some stuff in it because it looks pretty, and when you eat this you turn into a hippy. I know this is not sounding like an apology, but I very much confess that I am sorry to all Californians for defacing you and your great state. I just hate everything about you…

[John laughs]

James: …and your state. No offense.

John: If you ever eat in the California Pizza kitchen…

James: You’re an idiot

John: I was going to say, might redeem it for you. But never mind. [laughter]

James: No, no, and no, it’s sticks. (sound: You’re an idiot!) I will remember that. Oh! So what’s been going on this week?

John: Oh, man!

James: Anything good?

John: Yeah. I have got a couple of good things going on. You want me to tell you one of them good things?

James: No.

John: Okay.

James: I was .. yes, yes I do. Sorry that was sarcasm and um ..

John: Oh!

James: It shouldn’t be.

John: I don’t understand sarcasm unless it has a special font .

James: Really!

John: No. That’s not true.

James: Because you…. are the best co-host ever.

John [laughter]: Thanks man.

James: You are welcome.

John: I appreciate that.

John: You know, I am under the strong suspicion that everyone has one has a Doppelganger.

James: Okay, for the middle schoolers in the audience, what is a Doppelganger?

John: A doppelganger… it’s like, it comes from the German word, I don’t know what it means but it’s German. It means basically you have like an evil twin, or at least in this in today’s vernacular it’s kind of like you have a twin that walks around, you know that looks just like you. It seems like everybody I know that I have met say like “Ah I have a friend just like you“ and ..

James: I have been dealing with that since ninth grade.

John: Yeah. So I am convinced everybody has one of those. Well, I happened to know one of mine, and I

James: Ooh hoo. I never heard of this.

John: Yeah, and this is interesting. His name is Bill, Bill ***. He lives in Newnan…

James: Stalkers!

John: Yeah, stalkers. I am going to tell you to spell his last name. But I have stopped, I have been stopped in so many places, even Home Depot.

James: By cops and hookers, or what?

John: No! [laughter] No, no, but Home Depot.

James: Because my doppelganger is always getting stopped by cops.

John: Is he really?

James: I will get emails about the hooker thing. It means people that hang hooks on things.

John: Like fishers?

James: Yeah, yeah, fishers are hookers.

John: Yeah, they go fishing a lot. Anyhow, I was actually at this school event, the other day, and somebody walked up to me and they had this look on their face like they knew me and they were all excited and started talking to me like, “Hey, how you doing!”They shook my hand and said, “Oh, you are not Bill, are you?” And I was like “No, I’m not Bill.”

James: Because [in a high pitched voice] Bill sounds like this. And as soon as you said, “Hi..”

John: But fortunately I know this guy, and every time people think they are talking to him, and it is actually me, I could actually respond.

James: Or, you could set up a forwarding address, like they do on the internet: every time someone talks to you it automatically pings off of you and forwards to the real person, like a 301 redirect.

John: Okay, so I would get tracksbacks for that, right?

James: Yeah.

John: Sweet! So maybe I should do that. What’s the html code for that?

James: It’s www.youareanidiot.com slash and whatever his name is…Chris Poop-n-scoop, whatever his name was. I am not going to tell you what his name was because that saves his identity.

John: Yeah it does.

James: A little earlier, just a little earlier, I heard Tinkerbelle flying around your end of they Skype spectrum. Can you tell me what…

James: What uh… yeah, yeah. Do you have wishes that you’re making there?

John: No, I’m so sorry. I’m holding a lug wrench in my hand…

James: [laughing]

John: … and I hit my ring.

James: And you hit Tinkerbelle?

John: Yeah. Stupid, get out of here!

James: [laughing] I’ve heard that the last couple shows and I’ve wanted… somebody even emailed in and says “I can’t…why… what’s John doing on his side?” and I’m like…

John: I am so sorry. I didn’t know you could hear that.

James: I didn’t even notice it until I heard it today, so…

John: Okay. Let me take thus this thing and hide it. It’s in my room.

James: A lug wrench in your closet.

John: It’s a lug key. It goes in my car and I keep forgetting to put it in there. [laughing]

James: Oh, I got you. It’s that little in-between piece, yeah.

John: Yeah. Yeah, it’s like… okay. There, it’s gone. You will never hear that again. I’m sorry.

James: Aw. Now though if I ever make a wish I want to hear it though, so…

John: Okay. Make a wish and see if it appears.

James: I wish I could hear the… his princess sound. [laughing]

John: You can actually hear that?

James: Yeah, it’s loud. [laughing] It’s like…

John: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry.

James: Yeah, just listen to the show, you’ll hear it. It’s awesome. I also need to apologize. I don’t know if I need to apologize but I need to I guess renege on some of the things I’ve said about Hulu in the past because you know a couple… maybe it was even last show. No, a couple shows ago, I was… I went off on it because I kept hitting, you know, “This does not apply to me.” because of the Nuva Ring commercials, right?

John: Right.

James: And I went on at length about that and then edited it out of the show later on, um…

John: [laughing] Unless you’ve got the app. Then you’ve got the full version, right?

James: Yeah, if you have the app, you got the full version, if you support us on Patreon, you got the full version, but the rest of you guys got the edited, clean-cut version. But, um, apparently Hulu heard my cry, and also heard me talk about Olivia Wilde a couple shows back because lately, even though it applies to me not at all. I am not interested in the products, the face products she is hawking, but they have been showing me Olivia Wilde commercials.

John: Wow!

James: The same one, over and over and over. And it never gets old I just want to say thanks, Hulu.

John: [laughs] No thanks for the Nuva Ring but no thanks for Olivia.

James: Yeah.

John: Where would you know her from?

James: Oh my Gosh, I said this last time, she is first of all one of the most beautiful woman on the planet. Secondly, she is from the movie, Tron: Legacy.

John: Oh. That’s right. She had black hair. Yeah.

James: Yeah. So.

John: Yeah. I am sorry.

James: And she is in the chat room. No I’m just kidding.

John: [laughs] She left because I didn’t know who she was.

James: So tell me about the f-word.

John: Oh, man!

James: Subtle Segway there.

John: Sorry I wasn’t paying attention. [Laughs] Do you know the f-word?

James: I do actually.

John: Ah. Well if you don’t…

James: I’ve had had it reported in my children’s ministry before.

John: That you were saying it?

James: No! No. [laugh] someone was saying it. They told me in front of another parent. So you tell yours, I tell mine.

John: Okay.

James: Probably similar.

John: Well, it’s probably not. My son who is, I would say he Is 90% home schooled and then 10% not because he is part of this home school group where he actually goes to class, one day a week and anyways. On the playground the other day, before school let out, he went to this kid, and he started talking, he says, “Hey! Do you know the f-word?” and he spells it out for him.

James: Oh. Wow!

John: And ahh, you know he… he’s gotten in trouble by us before for saying it he was over at his cousin’s house. I don’t know why my wife teaches him this word.

James: [laughter}

John: I’m just kidding, it’s not her fault, and it’s not mine either, for the record. But anyways, he said it at his cousin’s house and my brother-in-law was like, “Hey! You know your son is saying the F-word,” and I was like, “What?!” So we got to talking and I said, “Johnny, you cannot say that word. It is not a nice word. Do not ever say that word.” And so now he doesn’t say it, he spells it out. So apparently he was talking to this kid at school…

James: Trying to get around it…

John: Yeah. And said, “hey you know the F-word? It’s this…” and he spells it out for him. And then like a teacher overheard him so he got written up for spelling out the F-word…

James: Wow.

John: …which, I think, I would probably reprimand him for that, if it were not my child as well. So he has learned that he can no longer say it or spell it. That it is a bad word.

James: Good.

John: And we have tried to erase it from his memory. I think it is YouTube’s fault because I use to let him watch Mindcraft videos on there and apparently the people across the pond don’t think that is a bad word so much, but he does not watch YouTube any more…

James: That’ll teach him.

John: …or any less really.

James: That will teach him. No, mine is a little more innocent than that thankfully, but it didn’t seem it. I was talking to some parents and some lady came up to me and said, “Billy is saying the F-word!!” Some other kid comes up as I am trying to continue the conversation and just be like okay, just play it off and go, go away and come back later when she’s not around, you know, when she’s not judging my ministry by you. Another kid comes up saying, “Billy is saying the F-word!!” So I’m like, okay, I got to take care of this now before you go to my Pastor and get me fired right away. I go over there and am like, “Billy, what are you doing?” He’s like, “Fart is not a bad word.”

John: [laughter] …Oh my God!

James: Then I’m obligated to go back to the person and tell them like, “Hey, I know we were talking about something and your only concern is about your one child but I also need to tell you that kid over there… he didn’t say the f-word. He said, f-fart.

John: He said, f-fart, yeah.

James: Fart.

John: F-A-R-T is not the f-word.

James: So, I had to take my daughter to the doctor, my son and my daughter because I’m in kind of the state home out of work, trying to say I’m making a living of podcasting dad… recovering from depression dude. And so I got to take him to the doctor and so I did. And this doctor has I don’t know if you have done this but they have this State-of-the-art, they basically hand you like… If Ronald McDonald made an iPad this is what they give you. It’s like this big plastic thing with a big screen and you have to tap in all this information and answer all these questions and confirm everything and the more you go, and I have done this like three or four times, the more questions it asks. It’s the sneakiest little piece of crap you ever saw in your life. And this one, because I was filling out stuff on my nine year daughter remind you…

John: Yeah.

James: It asked me a special question that I wanted to tell my wife about later when I was telling her this story at dinner tonight. And since the kids were there I could not say the exact question and word that it asked me. So, I said, “It asked me, “Is she demonstrating things to men?” And that sounded horrible.

John: What?

James: And I asked my did too, she is like, “What are you saying?” I was like, “Is she investigating men?” And she is like, “What?” And I’m like, “Yeah, that sounds terrible too but I’m trying to get something across here. I said, “Flip those two concepts for me.” Just flip those two concepts.

John: [Gasp] [Laughter]

James: And that’s what she did. [laughter] And she was like “Oh,” and I was like “Yeah, it asked me that! Me!”

John: “I don’t know what that means…” You are going to have ask your mom that question…

James: I just answered it on faith. I just basically said no, never, she is a little girl for the rest of her life.

John: Yes right..

James: Yeah, so, don’t have to deal with that with J.

John: I hope not. I mean I’m sure you won’t.

James: That’s your queue.

John: Yeah, so, my lawn [laughter] you are talking about organic things. I am one of those guys who tries to do things naturally.

James: Even your lawn?

John: Even my lawn. I don’t like to put herbicides on it to destroy the weeds. I don’t want the weeds there so I either have to pick them, or find an alternative solution because I do not like to throw poison down all over the yard just to, you know… First of all, it is ridiculous and I don’t want to to kill the environment. Anyways, I know it is just one person – I am making a difference just for me. Anyways, so I get a lot of solicitors in my neighborhood that want to sell me a service.

James: Because your lawn looks like crap.

John: [laughter] Because my lawn looks like crap. It doesn’t look that bad… It’s green.

James: [laughter] A natural lawn looks like a jungle. I’m just telling you.

John: [laughter] Yes, I keep it cut most of the time. It reminded me, you actually had this problem once before – in one of the older episodes I remember you talked about it. But the dude came up to the door and says, “Hey, we are in the neighborhood and we are offering our services and it is only this much money. We come out once every couple of weeks and spray your lawn down, make it look fantastic!” My wife, she answered the door, so I am listening, and she says, “Naa, we are good,” and the guy turns his head, looks at our lawn, and he says, “Okay…”

James: No your not.

[Both laugh]

John: And then she says,”Take care” and closes the door.

John: [laughs]: Yeah, yeah. I know my lawn looks bad, but you know what…

James: It’s been since this summer those guys have gone crazy. We’ve had two just in the last couple of days and I answered the door like an idiot because, I need a peephole. I can’t [John Laughs] because I have a little half circle thing window but I go and I stand on my tiptoes and try to look over and I don’t see anybody, so for some reason I am like okay, well may be it was the UPS guys cause I’m expecting something…

John: Yeah

James: …and it’s some short solicitor person. Ya know?

John: Yeah.

James: And in America, Solicitor means people going door to door trying to sell stuff, you Brits. Anyway..

John: Right, right. [laughs]

James: Over there it means like a lawyer or something. So anyways this new trick, I love their little thing, “Hey, hey, hey, yeah! I was just over talking to your neighbor Charles over there.

John: Yeah.

James: And I am like Charles shut the door in your face, but you happened to get his name, that’s it. He didn’t buy anything and secondly I don’t even know Charles. I am an introvert. I go to my car and [John laughs] I drive places; I get out of my car I wave at whoever I have to and I get back in my house. So I don’t care. That method’s not even working on me. I am a geek, I am white, not racially… like light-skinned. White: like from never going outside.

John: You are pasty because you don’t see the Sun.

James: And I think Charles is too. Cause Charles’ lawn looks like a jungle. I think he is a hippy too. So…

John: Well, well.

James: Basically though what I want to say is that Jenn and I have been having this big discussion just about life, the future, everything. The galaxy and all that and the meaning of life. I have also been having this conversation with my mentor who lives in St. Louis and there has been some back and forth about some, “Let’s talk” and stuff…   we have been talking on texting and I hate that because it takes you forever  to text somebody.

John:  Yeah

James: it’s  a big long meaningful conversation so [laughter] I sent him an email that just said “Let’s try this,” and then I typed out everything and he has been typing back and that’s  is a lot better, okay it is a lot better for me anyway

John: Yeah.

James: He is probably still texting.

John: [laughter] Doing it all on his phone.

James: But I am doing it on my computer and that is great. Well there was one part of it that was really profound, my mentor had said something pretty profound, so I forwarded it to Jen and Jen comes back later in the day and her nose is red; she was crying. I said what is going on? “Nothing.” What did I do? “Nothing.”  She never says nothing. She is always very quick to tell me what I have done, because she loves that I notice and that I care and that that I ask.

John: Right

James: …and the fact that she didn’t tell me what it was right away meant that it really was me and it’s rarely if ever me anymore. When we were first married, yes, but not now. [laughter]

James: Then I knew it was me. I said: What did I do? I don’t remember how I asked about it, but I kept bugging her, and kept bugging her, and kept bugging her and I made a wish on… on Tinkerbelle  and there a wish like that [John rings a bell] and anyway she told me , she holds up this phone message. “You want to just move to St. Louis! It says it right here, “Let’s do this!” [laughter] Anyway basically she misread the subject line that said “Let’s Try This”, that’s what she hears the first thing she sees

John:  Oh!

James: I said, “Baby no… [laughter] It’s a forward! That message applied to me and him and not to you. So, she read that and then she read whatever else she wanted to read and had decided that we were, that I was.

John: Oh my goodness [Laughter]

James: I was flippantly suggesting that we uproot our entire lives and move all the way to St. Louis. So that was quite awesome and it reminded me of another text message one time I got years ago. I was in the basement of my sister’s house and it was thanksgiving weekend and I got a text from my boss and it was a mass text. “Why didn’t I get your mass text?” but I did. I got one and it was to like 15 different pastors all together. It said something about, “You know it’s Wednesday night and if you didn’t tell me that you are weren’t gonna be here, you’re supposed to be here tonights service,” and here it is Wednesday night I am a plane ride away from work and he’s saying all this stuff. And I’m like, “I thought I talk to him! I thought I said something.”

John: [Laughter]

James: And he goes, “Youth and Children did it, OK?” And I’m like, holy crap! We’re the only ones that did it, oh but I did! And so, I get on the phone, no answer. I am leaving 7 voice mails “Sir, I just wanna remind you I did this and this, you might want to look through your email and blah blah blah.” He calls me back about an hour half later, kinda laughing but kinda quiet and he says, “James what I said was that everybody else screwed up but youth and children did it okay.”

James: [Laughter] Commas.

John: Yeah no commas there, comma makes all the difference but so I was like oh gosh all that pressure and stress just phew, went right out. So, the Youth Pastors and the Children’s Pastor had done it fine, everybody else was in trouble. But good Lord, I paid the price [Laughter], nobody cared as much as I did because the dorks didn’t even tell him, “Hey, we are not gonna be here!” Do you think they cared when they got that text? “I don’t even care. I got my phone turned off.”

John: Yeah.

James: So, “Youth and Children did it Okay!” I mean to this day… I bumped into him in August at the Disney Store and we were just catching up this is so random because he is in Kansas City.

John: [Laughter]

James: And that thing came up. He was like, “youth and children did it okay.”

John: It’s your meme.

James: It is it’s mine and his.

John: Your personal, yeah.

James: So, anytime somebody misunderstands something that you sent through a text or something you can say, “Youth and Children did it, okay.” It’s up to you.

John: I like that. [Chuckle]

James: But I said something really stupid.

John: No.

James: I had to go through…Okay, this week was my ‘your week’ the other week and you had all these convocations and ceremonies and things.

John: I pass them over to you.

James: Well, it was my turn because my kids graduated and I’m no longer in the Ministry right now, not actively and so I didn’t have to do any pre-service prayers or any sound effects but I had to go and I had to fill dumb and weird. The school that I used to be involved in I’m not anymore and that kind of thing.

John: Yeah.

James: So, after it’s over we are sitting in this little reception room, having a cupcake–at least the kids are–and the Principal comes up, the Elementary School Principal and she’s a nice lady and she’s booked me hundreds of times for Chapel Services but I felt weird, okay and I said the stupidest thing I have probably ever said in public in front of the mixed company. Somehow the subject of how many children we had comes up and she says, “So, no more little ones.” She is just making small talk. And I stupidly look at my daughter and point to her, she is nine and I said, “Not unless she surprises sometime between now and 20.”

John: [Laughter]

James: And everybody froze, my kids’ best friend’s mom… Everybody. My wife. I did. I froze and I immediately had all the words I needed to fix it and I just decided, you know what, I am just going to let it stand. My kids are not coming back to this school. It will give her a good story to tell. I’m just going to let it stand and she literally said, after a long pause, “Okay!” and she just turns around and leaves. Then, for the sake of my daughter’s best friend’s mom, I said, “that is the most unintentionally offensive thing I have ever said in my entire life,” and then that broke the silence, and everybody laughed…

John: Oh my goodness.

James: …and we moved on. So, my kids still don’t know what I was saying. I was just trying…you know my mind goes, whenever someone does this, the obvious joke is, “No, I’m fixed, I can’t have anymore!” So I always try to go to the third idea, not the second, not the first, because, the first one, everyone is going to go to. The second one, most people are going to go to; but the third step, the third joke, that’s the one that no one else would think of but me. Yeah, the first thing I thought was yeah, I’m fixed; the second thing, I looked at the one person that was going to be fertile and I was going to make a teen pregnancy joke, which would have been a little more, still would have been bad, but not as bad as saying, “Between now and twenty.” So, I am an idiot. I get a special… (sound: You’re an idiot!)

John: [laughter]

John: Oh you have the British guy.

James: Yeah I’ve got the British “Idiot.” Speaking of award ceremonies, I went to the one for my son or my daughter. Yeah, my son was graduating. My daughter’s was just this blanket ceremony from Hades. It was horrible. It was hours long, and it was just where everybody, between 3rd grade and 5th grade, gets a certificate in something.

John: In something… everybody gets one.

James: So it’s… These are the ones that are

John: Awful?

James: [laughter] Well there’s some legit ones, there’s the Dean List.

John: Straight A’s?

James: Straight A’s, right, there you go, that would probably be the Dean’s List, and perfect attendance! That’s another one they throw in there for some who have done that.

John: Christian Character.

James: Yeah, exactly, we have got that one too. Most Improved, which, everybody knows means they were an idiot – that was the idiot kid. My son got Most Improved Reader this year. He was an idiot but then I taught him how to read. So anyway they just kept going and I swear they were making them up, you know, like, Best on Swings,

John: [Laughter] Are you serious? Friendliest Sharer? You like sharing?

James: [laughter] You like sharing? Yeah, Best on Swings, Most Likely to Walk Up and Take This Award, you know, so there were quite a few and it just kept going. When you thought it was over this old lady comes up and she is giving a scholarship to one kid. She has been doing this for the last, what, forty years, and it is an honor of her dad, and she is old, old enough to be dead, so I know this is old. You can tell it’s old because it is a scholarship for five hundred dollars. That does not even…

John: Partially pays for books.

James: That does not even pay for one month at this school. It probably paid for two or three when she started it. So they have not upgraded it. Five hundred dollars should not buy you as much time as this woman got behind that podium

John: [laughter] Wow

James: And here’s the thing: She needs to work on her speech because, if you are going to talk forever, that’s fine, but you can’t be jacking with people, making them think you are done. So she’s talking, she’s talking about her dad, she’s going on and on, and then she says, “The person who receives this award will….,” and then she’s like, “will be listed in a plaque, on the side of the wall, in a special room.” And then she talks for another hour. And then does this one, “the person who receives this award is….going to get this wonderful plaque right here. It has the signature of my father stamped and engraved on it.” I swear, less than three time she pulled that thing: “The person who receives this award will….be…,” and then “…is….” Then, finally, it was just some kid. So, $500, whoopity-flippin-do, you paid for 3/4 of somebody’s bill and you got all that. I don’t this so. I don’t think that is how it should work.

John: No.

James: Hey, did you see our sign-flipper video?

John: I did! Did you like my comment, by the way?

James: Yeah, you said it was flipping sweet!

John: It was flipping sweet! Then I had to like my comment because I am that way. [laughter] I thought it was so creative!

James: [laughter] Sometimes I do that on Facebook, I’m like, that was so genius, I like it. Yeah, we got one of these sign flipper guys, we did it on fiver. You pay the guy five bucks, he is from the Philippines..

John: And he did all that flipping?

James: For five bucks, yeah!

John: And videotaped it and edited?

James: Yeah, and synced it to my song and everything for five bucks.

John: Dude, that is flipping awesome.

James: I am going to have a link to it in the show notes over at podcast.nlcast.com, but, go to my channel, I believe its youtube.com/user/nlcast. It’s not real creative, but you can type in ncast and you can check it out. It’s amazing!