217: Josh Kaufman

This week we discover that John looks an awful like 2014 The Voice winner, Josh Kaufman.

 This week’s stories:

White-thug Mentoring Program, John is not Josh Kaufman from The Voice, Jenna’s got three earring holes in one ear, Skyrim & BioShock Infinite bundle, Radio Shack Guy thinks James’ name is Karen, What else comes free with that Free Chair on the side of the road? John carves a hole in his foot and has some Ikea adventures. Then the NLCast Community answers the question, “If James did ________, he would be as cool as John.”

Listener stories:

Joseph’s sister sees a lady that smells like beans. Fintan makes a teacher in the canteen feel stupid. Paulie boards the Middle School Anarchy train. Veronica gives us an update from 2 years ago… to be played two years from now. And Keith kills it with a misunderstood military-style command.

Links Mentioned:

Transcription (first 30 mins)

James: Uh, speaking of imitation, have you ever seen, um, white kids trying to be thugs?

John: Yes, it’s aggravating.

James: You see it all the time, right? Yeah.

John: And I guess, legitimately, they kind of are thugs, I guess. Or something, is it? I don’t know.

James: Well, let me tell you. I have lived in inner-city Kansas City.

John: Yes.

James: And I have lived in the suburbs of America. And I will tell you that there is a legitimate white thug, and an illegitimate one, and the difference is location, location, location.

John: Hm, okay, so you’re saying with the kids growing up, like, with the silver spoon in his mouth, and he’s all living in Hollywood Hills, and stuff, that’s not a thug.

James: That is not a thug. If you are born and raised in the hood, and the culture and the subculture has just rubbed off on you, I mean, it’s just the way you grow up. But these guys that I saw at the park this week were definitely in the second category: the suburban wanna-be white thugs, you know?

John. [laughter] Posers!

James: With the flat-billed caps, you know?

John: Yep.

James: And their pants down, you know? And they’re going pla–

John: Wife-beater.

James: They’re going pl– Yeah, exactly. Two of them. They were gonna ball. They were gonna be ballin’ over there. And I kind of heard them– overheard them as I’m sitting there watching my kids at the park. And one of them said the following, one of them said. It just came in as they were talking. “Have you ever been harassed by the police?” [laughter] Another guy says, “No.” And he says, “Well that’s why you don’t know!” [laughter] And it was apparent I came in on the middle. I mean, There was some sort of thing that happened, and the guy was probably like, you know, “Oh, I don’t know about that.” “Well, have you ever been harassed by the police?” “No” “Well you don’t know then.” And it made me — It filled my heart with joy because I did not realize that there was a white thug mentoring program.

John: [laughter]

James: I was witnessing this, first-hand. They’re helping each other out. I just imagined that they’re sitting there going — you know, he’s pulling one of them aside somewhere outdoors and they’re like, “Hey guy, you gotta pull your pants down about three more inches, man. I’m just lookin’ out for you. Just trying to help you out, you know.” And then somewhere else, there’s just like “Oh! Didja get those subwoofers I told you about? Didja get’em installed in your car? Good, good! Now listen. One step: you gotta loosen all the body panels on your car, so the whole thing rattles like crazy!”

John: [rattles]

James: “That’s exactly right, now you got it.”

John: Yeah.

James: And, you know, one of them gets some money, falls into something. Oh, no, no, no, don’t buy a new car. Put that money into rims on your old car! That’s what we do!”

John: Yes.

James: So white thug mentoring program. Ins– [laughter] Try it out today. Mentor your thugs, the right way!

John: This weekly update, brought to you buy White Thug Consulting.

James: Where they teach you how to say the F-Bomb. [sound effect]

John: [laughter] Yes! [laughter] [cough] That made me [??]

James: I’m glad the soundboard is back.

John: Oh, I like that! It’s fun!

James: So what up in your week?

John: Well you know It seems like, um, it seems like I’m, um, getting const- consultation…

James: Constipation!

John: …to be a white thug. [laughter]

James: That’s what I heard!

John: So I want to be a white thug. Um, no this, uh, I’ve been confused. Not confused. People have been confusing me…

James: Okay.

John: …for other people. I told you a couple of weeks ago about being, you know, somebody thinks I’m a dude around town.

James: Yeah, the doppelganger thing.

John: Doppelganger, right. Well, not too long ago, this happened on more than one occasion. So I’m legitimatizing – just made that word up – It’s fact now. If it happens more than once, then it’s fact to me.

James: Right.

John: If that makes sense. Somebody [??]

James: So if you read your kid the same book…

John: Yeah?

James: You know, then, like, three bears becomes real to you.

John: Yes.

James: Okay, alright. Just making sure

John: I think that’s right. Yeah.

James: You just said it. I’m just [??]

John: Two different sources, right. So if the same book comes up… So anyways.

James: Oh, okay. Gotcha.

John: So then it’s fact. Sort of.

Soundboard: [You ain’t that funny!]

John: Yeah–

James: That was to me, sorry. I was trying to be funny.

John: I like her. [laughter] She’s my friend. So anyway, do you know who Joshua Kaufman is?

James: No, but I’m gonna look him up real quick.

John: His last name is spelled, er, Josh Kaufman. K-A-U-F-M-A-N. Kaufman.

James: I didn’t even have to finish typing him in.

John: He showed up, didn’t he?

James: Oh my God, he looks like you! [laughter]

John: Yeah? Okay? See? Okay! The only thing, this guy’s got hair.

James: Yes he does, and he has a giant forehead. His eyes start really far down on his face.

John: [laughter]

James: He looks like a caricature of you in one of the pictures I’m looking at.

John: Yeah.

James: Oh my Lord, everybody do this. Go to — Josh — They probably know. Where is he from, why is he a thing?

John: So he’s the 2014 winner of “The Voice”, which is like…I think it’s like some kinda’ music show?

James: Okay…I know nothing about television…

John: It’s like “American Idol” I think, except it’s different…somehow…so he won it…and uh…

James: OK

John: So he is my doppelganger…and I’m enjoying the fact that at least my doppelgangers are good-looking and famous right now.

James: So how has this played out. Have you ever been asked for.. like an autograph or “Are you so-and-so?” Or what?

John: Ya’ know, I haven’t been asked for that but people that know me and apparently watch “The Voice” say “hey, man, I saw you on The Voice the other day…”

James: You did it again…you won and stuff…

John: Congratulations! I voted for you! And so I’m thinkin’ maybe I just need to get myself a hipster pair of glasses and, actually I already have a pair! And, I should get a fedora like this guy’s wearin’ in a coupla’ of his pictures and just go walkin’ ’round cuz…

James: That is uncanny! How much you look like this guy!

John: It’s kinda’ strange. So I don’t see it as much as other people cause I look at myself and obviously, I think I’m quite handsome…not really…but

James: He’s much, much bet…much, much…[laughter] He’s oh…

John: Thank you. Ya’ see how big his forehead is?

James: It is giant…

John: That’s what happens before your hair disappears. Your forehead keeps getting bigger and bigger and then, all of a sudden, it takes over the whole top of your head…

James: I’m saving the big head image so that I can use it…for the episode artwork. I don’t know what it is…

John: [laughter] Somehow…

James: It’s this one photo. If you’re on Google images, it’s the third one in…where he doesn’t look happy…and he looks like a cartoon character. It’s amazing..

John: Doesn’t look happy…mmm…

James: Well, and those of you that don’t know what John looks like, go to podcast.nlcast.com and click on “About” and you will see a picture of John…or at least, the last one he wanted released of himself and then you can look at Josh Kaufman (sp?) and you can see the resemblance…and Peter Pan’s…so

John: [laughter] About…oh wow…okay…that’s a pretty decent one. I’ve got a beard there. I need to get some “hipster glasses”…that’s what I’m gonna do. Anyway, so…Josh Kaufman…

James: Yeah, you need to get some glasses…gonna say, I agree 100% cause he’s wearin’ the same pair in every single photo…I mean…there’s even childhood photos that he’s got…same glasses, same forehead too. They go back quite a ways…yeah a fedora dude and a pair of glasses and you, too, can win “The Voice”! I don’t know what “The Voice” is…now I imagine…and listeners, you can tell me if I’m wrong…I imagine “The Voice” is a show where the judges never see the person, they just hear the voice of the person singing and do the judging completely based on the vocals. That would be the show I would imagine…and would be an awesome idea for a show if it’s not but a…

John: I think it kinda’ does start off somethin’ like that…

James: Judging by the way Kaufman looks, I’m sayin’ “The Voice” is operated exactly as I think it is.

John: Yes. I’m gonna say that too.

James: The chatrooms saying… James, they listen to hear them sing. Then they turn around if they want to be their mentor. AHHHH…so the first initial deal is vocals only…that’s good, that’s good. That gives fat people like me a chance to sing cause I can sing…

John: [laughter] yeah…

James: I was singing a wonderful song… because I was thinking of a wonderful genre I made up called Christian Horror.

John: Christian Horror?

James: And I was thinking about the first experience most people have with Christian Horror, if you are in church, is the “I wish we’d all been ready” song.

John: YES!

James: (Singing)Man and wife, asleep in bed…she hears a noise, she turns her head…he’s gone…I wish we’d all been ready”…

John: All been ready.

James: I think it shoulda’ been a hardcore song, yaknow? (singing) There’s no time to change your mind…(sounds I cannot understand)

John: [laughter]

James: How i got off on that…oh, “The Voice”, that’s it. My daughter’s earring man. She got her ear peered a while back. Now, this has been the third time in my daughter’s life that she’s had her ears pierced.

John: What?

James: Yes, because my daughter…

John: She’s got a lotta holes in her ear…

James: She does. My daughter inherited a slight genetic thing to where… our ears aren’t on straight. I’ll just say it. I got one ear that’s a little bit lower than the other. When I put on glasses, one of them I can flick it back and forth because it’s got some play. Okay?

John: Yes.

James: One’s higher than the other. She’s got the same thing. SO, when they went to pierce her ears when she was little, they did it wrong. So we let it grow in. Well then she wanted it again when she was like five or six. So we pieced it again. Boom! Got it wrong! So we let it grow in. Or, no, no, no, it got right, but we had the, we had some cheap studs in and it got infected.

John: [Ewwwww] Ouch!

John. And we had to pull it out, and we had to let it grow in. So now, she’s nine years old. I went my ears pierced. We go and…, we spend some money. We spend $50.oo bucks this time instead of the stinkin’ little kiosk in the middle of the mall. And they did it right! They did it right!

John: Yesss!

James: And she had to wear these things for two weeks. And she was so excited. Sunday, or Saturday night actually, I’m gonna pull “˜em out for Sunday. I’m gonna put in…, she’s got earrings she’s bought. And she’s been showing them to me like I care. So, she does this…She comes in. She’s got one earring in her hand and one in her ear. She says, “Dad, I can’t get it through the hole.” And I’m like, “Why are you coming to me?”

John: [Laughs]

John. I cannot stand piercing things through things. I can’t stand needles. I can’t stand tattoo concepts.

John: [Ummmmm]

James: And you’re asking me? And I don’t know why, but Jen, said, “I tried. I just can’t do it. I’m gonna see if you can do anything with it.

John: [Ouwwwww!]

James: Well, I go in there, and I’m like, “Okay. I’m gonna be brave! I’m gonna be brave!

John: Yeah, be the man!

James: Uh mm. So I get her up on the counter and I’m like, “Turn you head.” It…She’s got three different holes in her ear.

John: [Laughs]

James: All of them look exactly, exactly the same. There is absolutely no, uh, there’s no clue on, on which one of those is the one that comes out on the other side. So, so, I go ahead and I pick the one that I think matches up with the one on the other side. And I start to push it in, really slow. And she winces. And I’m freaking out! Cause there’s three holes in the front!

John: [Laughs]

James: There’s three holes in the back. And I don’t know which one to align it to. It’s kinda like…

John: What if they cross?

James: It’s kinda like the Putt-Putt., when you putt it in the little pipe and you don’t know where the freak it’s coming out.

John: Yessss!

James: It was exactly like that. Three possibilities and I didn’t know which one to push toward.

John: [Ummmmmm.]

James: But then, suddenly I knew.

John: How’d you know?

James: And I will tell you why; because it went from icky, to ucky to ooky. And this is it. For some reason, some tiny, little, tiny, thin, white excretion of goo…

John: [Eeeaaaall!]

James: …and God knows what, started coming out of one of those three holes.

John: [Eeeaaaall!]

James: And I don’t know if it was pus. I don’t know if it was some sort of…

John: It was.

James: …filler. I don’t know if it was just the anti….

John: Caulk.

James: .., Um…you know…

John: It was ear guts!

James: infections stuff. Yeah, it was some sort of instant ear sealant, is what I imagined. Like…

John: [Laughs]

James: Her body just…you know, she’s like, Wolverine, it put it in there, it was gonna clean it up and get it all set up so she could get that fourth piercing. All I’m gonna say is, uh, I, I aimed for that hole, and I drove it home. And then the icky whiteness just kinda…, [splllllckkk!]

John: Ummm, there you go.

James: …down the back of the ear. So I was…, I don’t know how I survived. Um… And I don’t know what it was; to this day…

John: So…

James: But umm…it, it, it, went through with no blood; A lot of pressure though. Oh my Gosh. I thought I was…,

John: You should be proud of yourself.

James: I was like, “Baby, does it hurt? “ “No, No, No, it’s fine. It’s fine.” She really…I was like re-piercing her ear.

John: Tears coming down her eyes.

James: No it wasn’t that bad, thankfully. Thankfully she’s tough. She really wanted those “˜Star Eighties Earrings’; those dangling earrings. But now she’s had no problems. So it’s great! I, I did whatever I did, it, it cleared the passageway.

John: And you did it RIGHT!

James: I guess.

John: See. You did it! None of them could do it. But you could!

James: [Uuuuthck!] I was gonna let Jay do it. He was the only other option.

John: [Laughs]

James: Other than the dog.

John: [Laughs] “I’ll do it. I can do it Dad!” Now she has four holes in her ear. You know, that reminds me of a story. And I…, and this happened last night actually. It happened like three months ago. I stepped on something.

James: [Ewww!]

John: Like, it was like a little tiny sliver. And I…and I couldn’t get it out of my foot so I figured, “it’s no big deal. I’ll just leave it alone.” So, after like a period of three months, I guess my body decided that it was going to reabsorb whatever it was that was in my foot.

James: [Laughs]

John: And so, this like huge callous built up and it got really painful like I was stepping on a rock. So for the past couple months, I’ve been like, “Oh, this really hurts!” and so I’d try to pick at the callous.

James: [Eeeeeeek!]

John: Yeah…, and got nothing. And so last night, it was …, it was kind of soft “˜cause I had taken a shower…

James: [Laughing]

John: I said, “That’s it! This thing is…I can’t take this anymore…so I pulled out a knife, [chuckles]

James: [Auuueeeefgh!]

John: It’s got like a serrated edge on it….

James: [laughter]

John: And I just kind of sawed that thing off. And, I know, if anybody was telling me this I would be vomiting right now, but since it’s my own foot, I can’t even believe I did it. So, I got that thing off, and I was like, “Oh, yeah.” The pressure kind of went away, and it was kind of like pulpy flesh, almost.

James: [laughter] Shut up, in the name of Jesus.

John: So, I got it cleaned out and I put a band-aid on it, and now I have kind of like a little hole in my foot. It’s like a little dent.

James: You got it cleaned.

John: I’m so proud of myself for that.

James: Out of all the things you said, the phrase, “I got it cleaned out,” is the one that did it for me. It made me gag.

John: [laughter]

James: Because there’s this hole, and there’s pus in it and crap, and worms and things, and you had to dig it all out.

John: No, no, it was just like, I don’t know what it was. It was weird. It was kind of soft, but there was no worms.

[audio: "I don't find everything he says so funny."]

James: That’s right. It’s pretty gross.

[audio: "You ain't funny."]

James: Yeah. [laughter]

John: But, yeah, you’re telling that thing about the crud coming out of her ear made me think about it. I was like, “Oh.”

James: Yeah, yeah. If you cut a hole in your own foot.

[audio: "You're an idiot."]

James: That’s all I’ve got to say.

John: [laughter] An English one.

James: [laughter]

John: [laughter] I’m not Josh Kaufman.

James: Oh, man. All right, okay, so I had bought some cables at Radio Shack, and then realized that you could get the same ones on Amazon for like pennies on the dollar. So, I took them back. I took them back today. Well, I have to tell you some things. First of all, I changed my phone number. I think I’ve talked about this on the show. I kind of just did it, ’cause it was a Kansas City number. I had had it for 10 years. I changed my cell phone number one night, and I immediately regretted it, because it apparently belonged to some sort of hyper-Christian because I started getting calls from every faith healer and prophet charlatan in America.

John: [laughter]

James: I was on every, yeah, calling list. And, “We are going to be in your area, and we want to pray for you and ask for your money and stuff.” So, I won’t say who it was that was calling every other day, but he lives in Orlando and he just got married last year. I know these things because he called me with a recorded message to let me know.

John: Wait a second. A faith healer in Orlando? Does his name rhyme with “Lenny”?

James: [laughter] Maybe. Anyway.

John: He just got married?

James: He had a wedding. I don’t know whose it was, it was his apparently. But anyway, I also got tons of collections calls, okay. And it was really great, because I used to get them for myself in early, you know, my early or late teens, early 20s. So, it was really cool to be like, “Um, sorry, but you’ve got the wrong number.” Because they would always ask for this lady, Karen. You know, “Are you Karen?” I’m like, “No, I’m not Karen.” And just as a joke one time, I was like talking to my wife and I’m like, “Spiritual psycho, owes a lot of money, name’s Karen. That kind of reminds me of this lady that used to go to my church, you know, that used to work for me in kid’s church. Wow, Karen. Wouldn’t it be funny if that was her?” [laughter] Well, a few weeks later I call another lady that used to go to that church that’s working at another one and she’s like, “Why are you showing up as Karen Simms?” And that’s the lady’s name! I was right.

John: What? Stalker.

James: So, I had the poor lady who couldn’t pay her phone bill. I had her, you know, her cell phone number. So, I unsubscribed from, oh, god, you just don’t even know. I’m probably still getting calls from people. I feel, even though, more sorry for the lady that got my number. I mean, because I was famous in Kansas City. I mean, thousands of people knew me because of the church thing. And, yeah, I feel sorry.

John: Millions of people. Like, all of Kansas City knew you.

James: I feel bad for her. But anyway, I’m at Radio Shack. I had to tell you all of that to tell you this. So, I’m going to return the wires and he needs a phone number for the transaction. So, I said, “Are you going to sell it to anybody?” He goes, “No, no, we just need it internally to complicate this whole process.” And I’m like, “Okay, great.” So, I give him my new cell phone number and he pauses and he’s typing it in. And he kind of looks up at me and he goes, “Karen?” And I was about to correct him.

John: [laughter]

James: I was about to say, “No,” and give him my name, but I decided it would be a funnier story if I just said, “Karen Simms?” And he goes, “Yeah!” And he let out this huge sigh like he was so happy that he hadn’t made fun of what was apparently my name.

John: [laughter] “Your name is–?”

James: I did give him a new address. I felt bad. I was like, I can’t lie, I can’t go to hell for this. So, he got a half-lie, you know. And my pastor had just gotten through talking about how we’re going to be accountable for every word that we say, and I’m just like, “Well, if it’s crap at least it’ll be funny.” And He, you know, like, God will laugh, and then He like can’t condemn me ’cause like, “You laughed!”

John: [laughter] You made God laugh.

James: Yeah.

John: It sounds almost legitimate.

James: Yeah, so if you ever get a collect call, podcast people, from Karen Simms, it’s either a psycho-spiritual woman who can’t pay her bills, or it’s me using my codename, Karen Simms.

John: I may or may not be Karen.

James: I’m Karen Simms.

[sound: “You’re an idiot.”]

John: I am Karen. I ain’t Karen for nothing.

James: If you make some poor guy at a Radio Shack think that you’re Karen Simms.

[sound: “You’re an idiot.”]

John: You’re an idiot.

James: I actually did the same thing at Chik-Fil-A, ’cause Chik-Fil-A, they always ask, “Can I have name for the order?” They never say, “Can I have your name for the order?” They say, “Can I have a name?” So, I always say, “Skippy.”

John: Skippy.

James: And then I know, they look at my car and they’re like, “You’re such a jack– tard.”

John: My name is, “Skippy.” It’s my nickname, ’cause I’m a white thug.

James: I’m a white thug in a mentoring program. I’ma start a white thug mentoring podcast.

John: You should do it.

James: I’ll be like, “Yo, yo, yo. What’s up, people? How you doin’?” And I need to change my accent ’cause it’s like I was almost doing like a British thug.

John: “Yo, yo, yo, what is up, my good friends? I say.”

James: It should be like, “Yo, man, I was rolling down a street, man, Independence Avenue up in KC, MO, yo, you know what I’m sayin’? And my mom’s right. She was like checkin’ me, and I was like, ‘I gotta go to my shorty’s house,’ you know? And my girl, my baby girl, she is like fly.” I don’t think that people say “fly” anymore.

John: I think they call them “bae” now, “My bae.”

James: My baby.

John: Bae.

James: My baby mama. Anyway, so, white thugs.

John: White thugs with huge foreheads.

James: Have you ever seen any white thugs in Ikea?

John: No, I don’t think I have.

James: What have you seen in Ikea?

John: Man, can I just say, I love Ikea.

James: I do, too, except for the yucky food.

John: You know, I’ll eat that, too. And I’ll regret it after I eat it.

James: My wife loves it.

John: But, you know, it’s so cheap. Like, those meatballs? I’m sure they’re not made out of real meat. They’re probably made out of some kind of space alien.

James: It’s sawdust. Do you know that Ikea uses one percent of the world’s lumber? Which is awesome to me, I don’t care.

John: One percent?

James: Yeah.

John: That’s awesome.

James: And so, that’s how they make their meatballs.

John: “It’s a lot of Swedish–” Okay, that’s right, they use all of the tree. Not just part of it, all of it. And you eat some. Well, you know, I like Ikea. And every time I go in there, I think, “Oh, I’ll just be in here for a little bit,” but it’s like there’s this time vortex and minutes turn into hours. In fact, that’s why I was almost late last week, because I was at Ikea. And because it’s in Atlanta it’s like an hour away.

James: But the whole thing is set up like a rat maze.

John: Oh, I know my way around.

James: It is a trail, an endless trail. And, yes, there are shortcuts, and, yes, you can learn your way around. But I’m just saying, that’s the way it’s set up. There are no aisles. You’re in there. You’re in there for a while.

John: Yeah, I mean, it’s good to go not on a weekend, because the weekend is when everybody’s there.

James: Yup.

John: But, I– And the reason why I bring this up is because I have to mention one of my heroes, because he slept in Ikea for like a week, but Mark Malkoff, awesome dude. You know, if it hadn’t already been done yet by him, I would want to live in Ikea for a week, because it’s amazing. But, anyway, I got some awesome stuff, and I can’t wait to put it together. I have to wait ’til I have the, I’m not going to call it the man room, but the room that is designated for my own space within my house, the man cave.

James: Yeah, it’s okay. It’s okay to be what it is, man, it’s okay.

John: It’s a man room.

James: It’s a man room.

John: Yeah, I’ve got some awesome stuff to put in there.

James: It’s a room for men.

John: Yes, yeah, men. But not in a weird way, men.

James: Hey, I’m not judging you, man. I’m not judging you.

John: Okay, thanks.

James: So, you got some stuff at Ikea.

John: I did. I’m going to put it together.

James: It’s like Legos. If you love, Legos, you’ll love Ikea.

John: It is, and I love Legos. In fact, I just saw today that there’s a new set coming out. Oh, I should say this. There’s a new Minecraft set coming out. I want all of them now.

James: It’s the Inn.

John: Yes, it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s right. It’s the Inn. Hey, but you know that they made these Simpsons minifigures?

James: Yup.

John: I got them all.

James: You said that last week.

John: Oh, crap.

James: [laughter] I’m proud of you.

John: I’m an idiot.

James: And you’re obviously really happy about it, but–

[audio: You're an idiot.]

James: [laughter]

John: Dang it. Dang it. That’s the third one I’ve gotten tonight.

James: Yeah, three. Four and you’ve got to be off a week. That’s the deal, so I’ll have to do a solo cast.

John: Hmm, all right, man. I’ll be very, very careful–

James: My last update is this. It’s pretty basic. I saw, when I was driving home today, I saw an armchair on the side of the road with a sign on it that said, “free.”

John: Mmm?

James: Yeah, free chair.

John: Free chair.

James: And I was not in any way tempted to stop and load said chair, judging, you know, especially by the house that it was out in front of. But I was like, “What else comes with a free chair like that?” So I kind of made a little mental list as I was driving, and I was like, the first thing I could think of is I would probably find free crumbs from a taco that the owner ate seven years ago.

John: Mmm.

James: So, that would be pretty yummy. And I would probably also acquire a free sampling of hair from every pet that he had ever owned.

John: [laughter]

James: Possibly a universal remote control. That would be a good find. That’s a good thing.

John: Oh, this is like a good, big chair.

James: Yeah, oh, it was a big old thing. I would probably also find about 37 cents in sticky pennies. Those are fun. Somebody else’s sticky.

John: Put them in the BGMC barrel.

James: Ugh, yeah, with hair on them and stuff. I would also acquire a quarter-pound of dead skin cells for every year that he had owned it, and the dust mites that are eating the dead skin cells, so that’s fun. Yeah. Did you know mattresses and chairs and stuff weigh more after you’ve used them because of your dead skin cells? It’s so gross.

John: No. That’s so gross.

James: Your dandruff and crud.

John: That’s how vacuum cleaner salesmen make their money, by vacuuming your– And then you’re like, “Ah! I gotta get one.”

James: They can’t go that deep. Speaking of deep, I would also with your free chair, information about the general size and shape of your butt.

John: [laughter]

James: Because I could sit in it and immediately see that it was not, you know, whether your butt was smaller or bigger than mine, or if your crease is centered properly and things like that. I never thought about that until I just said that right now. But there’s probably a guy out there that his butt cheek and his whole anatomy is shifted just a little to the right. And he has to sit a little with his left cheek off the toilet a little bit. It’s probably something I shouldn’t make fun of. I’m not, I’m just amazed that it’s probably in existence.

John: Like your fingerprint.

James: Anyway, somebody will probably call in and say, “I can’t believe that you talked about me that way, because my butthole is just off to the right.”

John: [laughter] Oh, geez. Oh, geez. “My crack is horizontal instead of vertical. You leave me alone.”

James: [laughter] “My crack is like Harry Potter’s scar. I’m the chosen one. I had an evil demon touch me there, and I lived.”

John: [laughter] [snort] Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out.

James: “My turds come out the same shape. It’s like I’m frosting a cake.” All right, anyway, my last two things that I’d acquire when I get my free chair off the side of the road, is I’d also know that that is the single worst piece of furniture in your entire house.

John: [laughter]

James: And I can also tell you, as a result of that, what is the newest piece of furniture in your entire house, you know. And the best part, the best part is that I get a free “free” sign that I can use to put on my chair as soon as I get yours home.

John: [laughter] Dude, that’s like paying it forward.

James: Ah. [singing] Everybody forward a chair sometimes. Something about da da da da. Listen baby.

John: Hey, are you that guy from The Voice?

James: No, I was Aaron Neville.

John: Oh, there you go.

James: [singing] Be cool sometimes. Everybody give a chair. [speaking] Hey, has Aaron Neville ever been in a PlayStation game?

John: No. I don’t know, maybe he has.

James: Hmm, it’s a question mark.

John: You know what, this is a question mark, and I don’t know if I should even say this during the weekly updates, but I was at Best Buy and I noticed a couple of games, and they actually have them bundled together. And you mentioned one of them a couple of weeks ago, and I’m thinking, “I need to get a new game, because I just need one.”

James: Yeah.

John: I mean, it’s been a long time since, I think, Batman: Arkham City was the last new game that I got.