218: If God Has a Dad

James decided that if God has a dad he’s done with Christianity. This based on an email from a middle schooler.

This week’s clean comedy stories:

John was asked to be an extra in some USA Network show he can’t remember the title of. James confuses the Glif with a GILF. John’s son has his own version of the Boy Who Cried Wolf story. James’ daughter reads bad words off a local Vietnamese Cafe sign. John feels like a dancing monkey. James has roach juice in his eye and Jennifer didn’t buy him a Buzz Lightyear hoodie for Father’s Day. James shares the first time he heard the world crotch.

Listener stories:

Luke calls in a few stories about his dad. First Time Mommy creates her own bump in the night. Parker blames his Wizz Waffle on his older sister. The Puppy Dragon convinces James that God may have a dad. Caroline tells us about the Crazy Hat Lady. Noah accidentally sends more than his homework to his teacher via video.

Links mentioned:

Transcription (first 30 mins)

James: Hey, you know what? Father’s Day happened.

John: Oh man!

James: I was a father again.

John: Yeah?

James: this year.. yeah yeah.

John: Congratulations.

James: It’s my 9th year, I think I’m doing pretty good. I’m going for my Deca for next year.

John: Oooh.. That’s scary.

James: My Deca Father’s Day, where I will be decked I’m sure repeatedly. What did your family do…

John: Deca father [??]

James: …special to celebrate you, [click] cause my family [John’s Laughter] Did Jack Squat.

John: That’s kinda what happened for me too,

James: Yeah, Father’s Day..

John: I had a card and I got a little gift.

James: Father’s Day is aka bull-crap day. Because if you have a good father you take him for granted, and then all the rest of people with these crappy dads- they’re just moping all day. “I don’t have a happy dad,

John: yeah

James: “my life sucked and Father’s Day reminds me.” But Just know this, if your dad died, if you had a crappy abusive dad, the people that didn’t, and the ones you’re jealous of, they could care less about their dads at all.

John: [Laughter]

James: So, the most you can hope for were memories that you wouldn’t care less about. [Chuckles].

John: Hmm…

James: No, actually let me get serious for a minute and share something I shared on Facebook, because I love being a dad and, and if you didn’t know [John’s laughter] any better, you would think that I am like rosy-cheeked and happy, and everything is just honky-dory and my life’s been nothing but preparing me for being this awesome dad.

John: Yeah.

James: And John knows that that’s not necessarily the truth. So I wrote this cause I didn’t want to do what Hanna did one time and do one of those Jesus jukes, where you post an image, “just in case you forgot Father’s Day, that fathers are dead [John’s laughter] and other dads are beating their kids!” You know. [John’s laughter] I didn’t want to do like that.

John: [laughter] a Jesus juke.

James: Yeah, where you’re like just like “Father’s Day is a day to remember.. all the people who’s dads beat their face in with a knife!”You know.

John: [Sigh]

James: So here is what I wrote. To all the folks whose dads are dead, my dad is dead too. To all the folks who never knew their dad, mine left early and then died later. And to those who had a dad, but he was crap, does a mean step-dad count? Cause I had that too. So I like fall in all three categories. I was trying to relate to the people, you know. And I wrote- there are a million times a million different ways people feel when they hear the word father, so there is no one statement that is going to reach everyone who’s got a heavy heart today; just know that you are not alone. It is a rare serious moment here on the Nobody’s Listening podcast.”

John: Yeah.

James: To me, and I capitalized this phrase. To me the Empty Place reminds me of how important I am to my own children. I know exactly what they need because of what I didn’t have, and I know what not to do because of what was done. And I hope that your empty place will serve to remind you how much you mean or can mean to those in your life. And I wrapped it up with the accidentally profound phrase: Don’t be somebody’s empty space.

John: Whoaa.

James: Yeah.

John: Dude, That’s… that’s heavy.

James: It got

John: And

James: It got liked

John: And Pretty nice.

James: It got liked like three and a half times, and shared like 9 times or something. It’s definitely one of the more popular posts I put up. The other one was that picture of you dressed as…


James: Dressed as the guy from The Voice.

John: Oh! I thought you meant dressed as the girl from Paulie Flanders, I forgot I didn’t send you that picture.

James: Ohhh..

John: [Laughter]. I’m just kidding, I don’t even know what that is.. Paulie Flanders

James: So your folks, your kids got you some homemade cards ay?

John: No, no they, they gave me real cards. I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful dad, cause now I really feel bad for [sigh].

James: [Laughter] Just apologize later.

John: Okay, they gave me a nice card, it’s a Superman card, and it played the theme song when you opened it up.

James: That’s cool.

John: And I am a big fan of Superman, so.

James: Ohh

John: And then they bought me without probably even really knowing. Remember I think it was last week I was mentioning that box set of Skyrim and uhm..

James: Yeah yeah. Yeah.

John: Infinite Bioshock. I got it for Father’s day.

James: [excited shrill] That’s awesome.

John: For the Xbox, which I’m pretty excited about, except I don’t have a TV for the Xbox right Now so.

James: Oh, cause of the Westinghouse debacle.

John: Yeah [laughter] Westinghouses are great TVs.

James: [laughter] They are the best.

John: Buy one for someone that you don’t like. Like your dad.

James: Uhm So, you got a card.

John: Yeah.

James: They asked me what I wanted for you know.. for father’s day, and I just said nothing. All I want is homemade father’s day cards, and so that’s what I got. I… “ask and ye shall receive” as they say.  So I decided instead to have a little bit of fun and ’cause, ’cause everybody, I think you included, had this theory since last week I talked about that Buzz Hoodie that my wife hated?

John: [laughter]

James: There was a theory going around that she was going to get that for me. Well, I can tell you right now she did not. She truly does hate that thing.

John: [laughter]

James: And she would never in a million years get it for me and so what I did instead is I posted the picture of me in it and said, “Look what my wife got for me for Father’s Day!”

John: [laughter]

James: And everybody’s like, “Oh, I knew she would get it!” and mind that, I did all of that, all of that just to rub in it for her ’cause I knew she’d read every comment.

John: [laughter]

James: And all these wonderful glowing praises of how awesome she was for getting me this, this amazing hoodie. And um. [laughter] I even put it there some other time she did not get this for me and people are still like not reading it and going, “Oh, she’s such a sweetie and you’re just so lucky to have her!” and I’m like, “Yeah.” [Beeping sounds] What?

John: I said, “What a great thoughtful wife!”

James: Oh! Good, good. You kind of turned into a robot there. Skyped out on me.

John: Hahn. I was a robot.

James: But my kids had made me some cards and they were called, one said, Jenna said, “I made you a dad.” And

John: Oh, that one?

James: Yeah. And she said, “Then you made me a daughter” which I didn’t, her mom did but I mean, I cannot be here and still she would be a daughter. She would not like to transform into something else but she said, “You put a lot of love in my life,” and I thought that was really cool. And then Jay said that, “You are very, very, very funny and you are fun and you are so, so, so all-some.”

John: All-some?

James: I am all-some. I am not awesome, I’m all some. I’m all of the awesomes. So if you were someone that had done something awesome or considered yourself awesome in some aspect of your life, I have now had that, I’ve removed that from you and it belongs to me now. So

John: That’ll be awesome dude!

James: So that is future tense as well. Anything you do good later on in life now you have to say, “James did awesome at that!”

John: Allsome! James is allsome at that.

James: ‘Cause I’m all-some, I’m all of the sums! It’s a great feeling. So Father’s Day was good man.

John: Yeah.

James: God dang! What are you doing? [Beeping sounds] [laughter]

John: Who me?

James: Yeah. [laughter]

John: What did I do?

James: Nothing. I, I don’t know what’s happening. It’s like Skypeing like freak. I mean, I have to freaking, add that later. That sucks.

John: Damn it! I’m sorry.

James: No, no, I think it’s me. I, I did all this finagling and I think I have a bad cable. Yeah, I think that’s probably it ’cause.

John: You sound fine to me.

James: I know. It’s, it’s just you coming in but it’s not a big deal. Ah, let’s just do some weekly, weekly updates.

John: Yeah.

James: John, why don’t you get started just for fun? Just ’cause I’m in a bad mood.

John: Okay. Well, did I? I can’t remember because I didn’t mark it in here today. Did I talk about the Extra Stuff?

James: No. You wanted to and we’ll talk about it after this show.

John: Okay.

James: But I’m excited about this!

John: So yeah, I did sign up with Marinella Hume Casting. They do a lot of extras casting for the stuff that they’re filming here in the Atlanta area and I got my very first call. Well, it was an email actually and they asked if I would be interested in being an extra on…

James: That’s so cool! On what?

John: USA. On a TV show that they’re doing for USA.

James: Oh! What would you do? Where would you be?

John: I just would have been probably a fuzzy face in the background.

James: A zombie or anything?

John: No, no.

James: Superhero?

John: No, no. [??]

James: Waitress?

John: I can’t remember the name of the TV show. [laughter]

James: ‘Cause that, that waitress in Avengers was pretty cool, you know what I’m talking about.

John: Oh yeah! The one that she got her life saved?

James: Yeah!

John: Like Captain America?

James: Yeah, she was kind of cool. So what show was it?

John: I can’t remember.

James: Was there nudity?

John: I, no. [laughter]

James: That’s probably why you turned it down.

John: [laughter] I did have to turn it down because it was on a Wednesday.

James: If there ain’t nobody naked, I ain’t going! [laughter]

John: So yeah man, you know.

James: [laughter]

John: [laughter] Face like this. Nobody wants to look at that or anything else actually.

James: Oh, I would love to see John at the filming of anything naked.

John: [laughter] I couldn’t do it!

James: You would have a blindfold on, fold on, sitting in the corner. [laughter]

John: Dude, that’s red face and….

James: [laughter] You people need to put some clothes on! I can feel your nakedness from over here. [laughter]

John: That shouldn’t be said.

James: Dude, I oh!

John: You feel your nakedness.

James: Yeah. I, I just could never, I’d never do that. I could never.

John: No.

James: I couldn’t even be a nudist.

John: [laughter]

James: I’ll tell you why.

John: I have a hard time taking a shower.

James: I’ll tell you why. I have this image of me as a nudist, and I am in a golf cart with my spouse, and we are driving, and we are going to putt at the nudist putt-putt golf. And… [laughter] and then I fart.

John: [laughter]

James: I have to fart.

John: [laughter] Why?

James: And now I’m too scared to stand up because I’m not sure what kind of fart that was, if it was a clean one or a wet one.

John: [laughter] Come on.

James: That’s the end of… that is the beginning and the end of what I have a problem with the nudist movement right there. I’m like…

John: It all has to do with farts?

James: Yeah. Yeah.

John: [laughter]

James: That specific thing. I guess you just have to accept that about yourself and others. You know, you’re sitting down on a coach and there’s a little brown stain.

John: [laughter] No.

James: And you’re just like “Okay, that’s part of my lifestyle now. I accept that and I will align my potential stain with that stain so I don’t actually… I mean I want to show respect to the people of the house that I am visiting. It’s just… it’s the underwear. It’s like I could accept people…

John: How does this happen?

James: … if they had underwear on at least because then there’s at least a barrier.

John: [laughter] A butt barrier.

James: Because I don’t have problems with your arms being naked or your neck or your back or your feet or your legs or anything. It’s…

John: What about your face?

James: Faces are fine. I’m totally cool with that. I know not all religions are, but my religion is very open to facial nudity.

John: [laughter]

James: But it’s just the potential problems that could arise. God dang.

John: [laughter] From passing gas?

James: No pun intended, for those that got that one.

John: [coughing] I’m sorry.

James: So you got cast as an extra, and did you do it or what?

John: No, I couldn’t do it. It was two days that I was absolutely unavailable.

James: Oh, okay.

John: So yeah, I don’t have anything to brag about.

James: Well, we can still hope. I think soon, and very soon, we are going to see you in the background, shambling along, eating ham and blood or something off of a…

John: Not as a nudist.

James: No. No. Gosh no. That would be the worst, as a naked zombie.

John: [laughter]

James: I don’t like that at all.

John: I don’t want to…

James: Alright, so my turn. This one, I was hunting online for something to hold my iPhone to a tripod because years ago I started a project where I was doing a Buzz Lightyear every day for a year, and one of my plans was to do a Buzz out of cups… Solo cups. Different colors, stick them in a fence.

John: Yeah.

James: And I created this Buzz, and I even raised funds to help buy the cups. I still have them. It’s been… they’ve been in my closet for, like, two or three years, and now that my depression is clearing and I’m, you know, feeling energetic, I’m like “I need to do this again.” So I got a tripod and I got… and I needed to look for something to hold the iPhone to the tripod because I want to film it in a time lapse type of thing.

John: Cool, yeah.

James: And so I found something. It’s a cool little Kickstarter-funded project thing and it’s called the Glif. G-L-I-F. The Glif. And it’s just a little thing that will hold it on your desk, but it’ll also hold it into a tripod. It was horribly expensive, but I had no idea how much, you know, these things were supposed to run, so I decided I’m going to search for this thing somewhere else outside of the website that I found it on, and so I type… I didn’t pronounce it out loud and I didn’t really pay attention to the spelling, so I typed in “G-L-I-F”.

John: “Glif”.

James: Yeah, “glif”. Or no, I’m sorry ““ “G-I-L-F”. “Gilf”.

John: “Gilf”.

James: Yeah, which is not the same as “glif” at all. It was a small change, but it made all the difference.

John: Hm…

James: I’m just going to say this. It’s a clean show and there’s middle schoolers and stuff. I just will say this. I will not say “gilf”; I will say “G-I-L-F”, and it means… Well I’ll just say that the Glif will connect you to a tripod, and the concept of “GILF” wants to turn you into a tripod, if you know what I mean.

John: I… I don’t.

James: Okay, well I’ll just say this. There were pictures of… [laughter] There were pictures that I didn’t realize… “GILF” is some sort of saying…

John: Really?

James: Yeah, it’s a thing.

John: It’s like an acronym?

James: Yeah.

John: … or something?

James: It is. It is. And so those of you that know, you know what I’m saying. Those of you that don’t, stay ignorant like I was until I typed in the Glif and I spelled it wrong. All I’m saying is that usually…

John: Don’t do it?

James: Usually Google, when I type in something misspelled, it’ll say “Hey, we know that you were really surfing for this,” and then they will show me the correct thing, you know?

John: Huh.

James: And they did not do this this time. You’d think they’d be like “Hey dude, I don’t think you were actually looking for girls to get your freak on with.”

John: Oh.

James: “Maybe you intended to search for an iPhone accessory.”

John: Oh. So you’re saying it’s a bad word.

James: It’s not a bad word; it’s just a bad phrase, and it talks about things and girls and stuff…

John: Don’t Google it.

James: And I am 40 and I didn’t think I had any innocence left, but I found out that I did now that it’s gone.

John: [laughter] I’m sorry.

James: And now John, I’ve killed a little bit of yours too.

John: No, I’m just going to pretend like this moment never happened.

James: [laughter]

John: And never, ever use that word or the camera thing.

James: I had no idea, man. I’m trying to stinking put cups into a fence and I’m just… the Internet is a dangerous, dangerous place.

John: Dangerous.

James: What else? What else you got?

John: Um… I… oh. Okay, I’m sorry, I was on the show notes for a second. I was googling what you told me about.

James: [laughter]

John: [laughter] I’m just kidding. I wasn’t. I wasn’t.

James: Yeah, look up the Glif when you get a chance.

John: [laughter] No, don’t do it ever.

James: Just make sure you spell it right.

John: I’m just going to take your word for it because the dots are being connected and it doesn’t draw a pretty picture.

James: [laughter]

John: So this happened just tonight, and I was really excited because today is the day that a movie that I really must own comes out. At least I’m under the impression is comes out today for DVD and Blu-ray, which I’ll have to…

James: Oh, is this The Lego Movie?

John: Yes, The Lego Movie.

James: Cool, cool.

John: So I was telling my son about it… I was telling Johnny, and you know, I’m always pulling tricks on him and stuff, and he’s almost as excited about owning the movie as I am, and so I said “Johnny, the Lego Movie’s coming out today.” He’s like “Are you serious?” and I’m like “Yes, I’m serious. Why would I joke about it?” He says “Are you being really serious? Stop joking me, Dad,” and I’m like “No, I’m serious,” and he says “Do you know the story about the boy that cried wolf?”

James: [laughter]

John: And of course I know it, but I wanted to hear what his version was, so I said “No. What do you mean? What about the boy that cried wolf?” And so he starts to go into this explanation. He said “Well…” and he’s… I can see he’s forgotten some of it, so he’s making it up.

James: [laughter]

John: “So there was a boy and he was really jealous of the townspeople, and he was out watching sheep, and so he was watching them and he was jealous and bored and so he said ˜wolf’ and all the angry mob came out.” I was like “There’s an angry mob here?”

James: [laughter]

John: He’s like “Yeah, they showed up and they were angry because there was no wolf.” I said “Well what happened to the boy?” He said “Nothing.”

James: [laughter]

John: But he said “And then he cried wolf again because he was still jealous.” First of all, I don’t know what the kid… what the little boy’s jealous about. And then so he calls. He said “He keeps calling the people and they keep showing up and finally one day, they don’t come anymore and a real wolf shows up,” and I said “What happened to the boy that cried wolf?”He said “Nothing, but the wolf ate the sheep. [laughter]

James: [laughter]

John: He’s got a G-rated version of that.

James: Yeah, he’s rewritten it for his current ability to handle things.

John: I have no idea how that tied in with me trying to, you know, convince him that The Lego Movie comes out today, but… [laughter]

James: [laughter]

John: And the boy that cried wolf.

James: He just wanted to make sure you weren’t lying to him.

John: Yeah.

James: Like you apparently do on a regular basis.

John: [??] Sort of… sometimes.

James: Let that sink in. I mean I got another terrible one. [laughter]

John: Oh no.

James: It’s worse than the first one.

John: [laughter] Oh no.

James: There is a café… it’s a Vietnamese café… across from the [??], Sonny’s Barbecue, and Sonny’s Barbecue is the worst barbecue in America, but it is the only barbecue in my area because it’s Florida, okay? It’s not Kansas City. So we eat there, and as I’m pulling out, I’m like “I got to get a picture of this sign,” okay? I’m going to spell this sign to you and you’ll understand why I wanted to take a picture of it because it says “Café B-I-C-H, space, N-G-A.” Yes my friends. Yes my friends. Uh, Cafe B-I-C-H space capital-N, little-G, A, mkay? So I pull over, I take a picture of it…

John: [Laughter.]

James: …and then my daughter reads it out phonetically for us.

John: [Laughter.]

James: Yeah, she says it. And the, the last one was the best. She said, “nee-gaaah.”

John: [Laughter.]

James: [Laughter.] And I’m just, I just said, “You said bad words! Two of ‘em! Two of ‘em!” She felt terrible.

John: [Laughter.]

James: She did. I told her it wasn’t her fault. I said every single person who drives past that sign, every single one that’s not Vietnamese, says the exact same two words. I don’t care how…

John: [Laughter.]

James: …whatever. You know? I don’t care if they, if they’ve never heard it before, they’re gonna…

John: [Laughter.]

James: They’re gonna fill in the right amount of, of consonants and vowels to say these two things. Well, I did a little research, and, and the B-I-C-H part is pronounced like “bick,” okay? In, in, in their language, “bick.” And the N-G-A is the, the N-G is like “ing” but without the I. So it’s, “in.. ngah.”

John: “Ngah.”

James: So, “bick ngah,”

John: “Ngah.”

James: And it’s a cutesy girl’s name [laughter].

John: [Laughter.] No, it’s not.

James: Yes, it is! It is. It is. This, this one of Vietnamese guy was like, “Yeah, my grandma. That’s my grandma’s name.”

John: [Audio: gasp.]

James: And he couldn’t understand why people were making fun of it. So that’s why I decided not to come out and make fun of it, and to keep my picture to my own darn self.

John: [Laughter.] You still have it though.

James: But, I still wanted to let you know, if you ever go through Saint Pete and you see cafe Bich, uh, Nga…

John: “Ngah.”

James: Then you need to pronounce it like that, otherwise… and don’t let your daughter that’s hooked on phonics near the sign.

John: [Laughter.] Just cover their eyes and go the other way. Oh, man.

James: [Laughter.] It was so wrong hearing my sweet little girl [laughter] say those words.

John: Just a little bit more innocence stolen.

James: [Audio: fake cry.] She was so sad. She was like, “Oh, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know!” I’m like “No, no it’s, it’s not your fault.”

John: Don’t let her Google the glyph…

James: [Audio: groan then laughter] No, no she’s banned from Googling anything, so…

John: [Laughter.]

James: Her Internet use, both of them, is tightly governed, so…

John: Smart.

James: So, what else you got me? Anything else?

John: [Audio: sigh] Yes I do. I was just trying to think if I told you about the F-bomb””

James: Yes!

John: That, that Johnny said, and I think, yeah, because that’s when you introduced, uh, your F-bomb.

James: Yeah, yeah.

John: Which is quite, quite brilliant.

[Audio: bomb falling and exploding.]

James: Thank you very much. Well, I got that out of the way. But I, I had a realization. See, I’ve got… One of the reasons my Father’s Day was so not-awesome…

John: [Laughter.]

James: Was because I didn’t get to sit down and rest and relax.

John: Ohh…

James: I was getting ready for this camp that I’m doing this week, and, as you know because you’ve been in the “biz”…

John: Yeah.

James: Getting ready for camps that you are… running is a lot of work.

John: Yes.

James: And it’s not fun. And it makes you want to quit your job, and go join the circus.

John: Because you’re doing a lot of it yourself.

James: Yes!

John: Yeah.

James: Or all of it.

John: Yeah.

James: But no I didn’t… I’ve got a great group of folks that are helping and stuff. That’s not important. I’m just saying that in case they’re listening.

John: And they listen to this show. You are precious people. You are precious.

James: Yeah.

John: People, you are precious.

James: Yeah… If I didn’t have you I would be lost.

[Audio: sad trombone.]

Both: [Laughter.]

James: I hope none of them listen. No, anyways I, I [laughter].

John: [Laughter.]

James: It was a lot of work anyways. So, I, and so I’m getting all this stuff together, and done, and so we have our, our camp. And we’re going on. We’re doing our thing. And, um, today I kinda came to the realization that when I’m on stage, I’m kinda just… a dancing monkey.

John: [Laughter] Wow, really?

James: I, yeah… It’s… Well, cause, you know, you know the old expression, “Dance, monkey, dance!” Because, you know, people are just telling you what to do.

John: Okay.

James: So, I’m trying to give this, this illustration and explain something to these kids, and uh, I think I was talking about singing a song, and so I just start mentioning, you know, this song how it might have been sang, because we don’t know. We didn’t get to hear it. And they said, “Make something up! Just sing it!” And I’m like, “No, I’m not gonna do that. You shut up! I’m talking to you!”

John: [Laughter.]

James: I didn’t say that, but I was thinking it. And then uh, I just… “This is how the song goes.” And they just kept chiding me. It was like, “You can do it! Come on, make up the song!”

John: Dance, monkey, dance!

James: [Laughter] yeah and so I did! I gave in to them!

John: Ughhh.

James: I’m like, “Aw man…”

[Audio: Woman’s voice, “You ain’t that funny!”]

John: [Laughter]

James: I wish I had that sound byte to use.

John: Around the house?

James: Uh, I think maybe…

[Audio: Woman’s voice, “You’re an idiot.”]

James: Mmm, thank you sweetheart.

John: Sorry, James.

James: [Laughter] You know, I- I’ve been there before —

John: [Laughter]

James: There is nothing worse than doing something stupid in front of a group of kids.

John: [Laughter] ‘Cause they don’t forget.

James: Well, that, and, they- they fully express every bit of everything that they feel about it. There is – there is none of that with grownups. Even with teenagers, to a certain extent, there’s a little bit of I’m not going to totally fall on the ground and pee myself because I’ve got a boyfriend here, you know this is the teenage world. Or I’ve got people I’ve got to work with later, but kids, when your zipper is down for instance —

John: [Laughter]

James: — they’re not — there’s not a chance – there’s not a chance in anything that one of them is going to come and tell you, “Hey Pastor James, just want to let you know your – your fly is down, and I just know you’d be very embarrassed the fifth grade boys in the back row would make fun of you and I, um, and I just don’t think that’s funny, and I’m eight years old and I’m takin’ – I’m just takin’ the time to, like, help you out — “

John: Boy ain’t that funny.

James: That I – yeah, that is never, ever, ever happened, ever, in the history of children’s ministry anywhere. And yeah, when you say something dumb or – or something falls through or anything it is – it is the worst and —

John: [Laughter]

James: But – but – but, on the flipside, some of the best things in the planet are when something dumb happens and then you are, somehow, able to pull – pull it off anyway. [Laughter]

John: [Laughter] Yeah.

James: We – well for example was one time, uhm, I – I had this — I had gone out and bought this snow globe and I was going to use it as an example of faith. That, you know, f – faith, if – if – if it’s not in motion, you know, it’s just this that and the other, and so I reach up underneath this screen, ‘cause it’s behind the screen, it just taps the bottom of the screen and this thing explodes. I don’t know it must have had just this thin piece of glass, you know, and had just hit the thing —

John: [Laughter]

James: — and it, m — it just exploded in my hands and I’m standing there with a broken base and some snow man, you know [Laughter]

John: [Laughter] Water dripping all over the place.

James: A whole bunch of like white flecks stuck on my hand and I had a moment there and it was silence, you know, the kids are like, are we supposed to laugh, was this supposed to happen, you know, and, uh, I said, well, just a minute ago, I had a working snow globe. What would have happened was I would have swirled it li — then I told the story as if it were something that – that, you know, like, that was going to happen but wasn’t and they were absolutely enraptured by it and, uh, I pulled that off.

John: Wow.

James: But, more often than not I had my fly down so …

John: I just feel like sometimes I got hecklers in the crowd [Laughter] and I give into them. Okay, I’ll appease you; I’ll talk like Jar Jar Binks.

James: Oh man, that’s what —

John: So, just listen to the rest of the story.

James: — that’s why I had balloons, dude, I had three balloons for each team, boy or girls or whatever.

John: [Laughter]

James: And if they started that crap, I popped a balloon, and that meant they lost points and they lost candy and prizes and things, man. I – I was — I just — I need to teach you how to —

John: You were nice to your kids.

James: — how to get ‘em. But, anyway, let me see, I’ve got – we’ve got one more. This happened right before, uh, we went live, I mean, moments before. I – I hit go on Mixlr and thank god this- this, uh, this microphone doesn’t pick up more than it does —

John: [Laughter]

James: — it’s a very — you have to be very close to it, because, all of a sudden, my wife screams louder than I have heard her scream in my entire life and I’m, like, what? What? And I run in there, “There’s a giant roach, oh my gosh, it’s in the – it’s in –”and I’m, like, where is it? And the kids are kind of rustling around ‘cause my daughter has this thing where she loves to see them. She – she wants to catch them and keep them in a jar.

John: That’s my kids too, what’s wrong with them?

James: Yeah, yeah, so I have to, like, beat her off with a stick every time there – there wer — she’s like, freaking, Erwin, you know, the croc guy, she like, getting him round here. Oh, he’s a big one, he’s a big one. We can take him down, and, uhm, so I see him —

John: Quick at the saddle.

James: — he’s in the – he’s in the drawer and I – and I go to – and I’m, like, god dang it, everything he touches she’s going to have to cleanse so I have to minimize it, but he gets – starts getting out the back —

John: [Laughter]

James: — long story short, he ends up in a ladle, like uh – like uh thing that you scoop stuff —

John: Oh no.

James: — and, so, I carefully lift it up and I slam it upside down into the sink, because I need room to hit him with the fly swatter that I have. And so I start whaling on him, hit him, and on the second hit something flew up out of the sink and hit me in my right eye.

John: No.

James: I don’t know what it was, I don’t know. I want to think that it was just a little spot of water.

John: Uh, yeah, that’s what it was.

James: Because, I had just done the dishes. But, what it was probably most likely was and felt like, was a little bit of freaking roach guts.

John: [Laughter]

James: Some liquid goo had flown up and so I’m screaming, as listeners have heard me do live —